Friends

[ROSS SINGS THEME SONG FROM THE ODD COUPLE]

[SINGING THEME FROM I DREAM OF JEANNIE]

No, no, we're done. We're done, man.

Aunt Silv, stop yelling.

All I'm saying is, if you had told me vegetarian lasagna...

...I would've made vegetarian lasagna.

Well, the meat's only every third layer.

Maybe you could scrape.

Ross, did you really read all these baby books?

Yep. You could plunk me down in the middle of any woman's uterus...

...no compass...

...and I could find my way out like that.

Ooh, this is cool.

It says in some parts of the world people actually eat the placenta.

And we're done with the yogurt.

Sorry.

Aunt Silv, I did this as a favor. I am not a caterer.

What do you want me to do with a dozen lasagnas?

Nice talk, Aunt Silv.

You kiss Uncle Freddie with that mouth?

Hey, Ross, listen.

Do you know that right now your baby is only this big?

- This is your baby. - Heh.

Hi, Daddy.

Hello.

How come you don't live with Mommy?

How come Mommy lives with that other lady?

What's a lesbian?

Honey, you can say it. It's Poconos. Poconos.

It's like "poke a nose."

Ah.

Poke a nose.

Blah, blah, blah.

- So did I hear "Poconos"? - Yes.

My sister's giving us her place for the weekend.

Woo-hoo. First weekend away together.

- Yeah, it's a big step. I know.

It's just a weekend. Big deal.

Wasn't this supposed to be just a fling, huh?

Shouldn't it be...

...flung by now?

I mean, we are way past the "fling" thing.

I'm feeling things I've only read about...

...in Danielle Steel books, you know?

I mean, when I'm with him, I'm just totally, totally...

Nauseous. I'm physically nauseous.

What am I supposed to do, huh? Call lmmigration?

I could call lmmigration.

I love babies with their little baby shoes...

...and their little baby toes and their little hands...

Okay, you're gonna have to stop that...

...forever.

Need a new table.

You think?

Hey, hey, hey. Come on in. - Hey. Hello.

I brought the books...

...and Monica sends her love along with this lasagna.

Oh, great.

Is it vegetarian? Because Susan doesn't eat meat.

I'm pretty sure that it is. Yeah.

So I got the results of the amnio today.

Oh, tell me. Is everything?

Totally and completely healthy.

- Oh, that's great. That is great. - Ha, ha.

Ah.

Hey. When did you and Susan meet Huey Lewis?

Uh, that's our friend Tanya.

Of course it's your friend Tanya.

Don't you wanna know about the sex?

The sex?

Yeah, I'm having enough trouble with the image of you and Susan together.

But when you throw in Tanya...

The sex of the baby, Ross.

Oh. You know the sex of the baby?

- Uh-huh. - Oh, oh, oh!

- Do you want to know? - No, no, no.

No, I don't want to know. Absolutely not.

No, I think you shouldn't know until you look down there...

...and see, "Oh, there it is."

Or isn't.

- Oh. Hello, Ross. - Susan.

So?

So did you hear?

Yes, we did. Everything's A-okay.

Oh, that's so cool.

It really is. Ha, ha.

Do we know?

- We certainly do. It's going to be a... - Hey, hey!

Ho, ho! Hello?

See, a guy who doesn't wanna know standing right here.

Oh. Ha, ha. Uh, well, is it what we thought it would be?

- Mm-hm. - Aah!

What?

Okay, what did we think it' was gonna be? No, no, no.

I don't want to know. Don't want to know. Okay.

You know, I should probably just go.

- Well, thanks for the books. - No problem. Okay.

Susan.

All right, who should we call first? Your folks or Deb and Rhona?

Hello?

Uh...

Never mind. I don't wanna know.

Okay, so just because it was my table, I have to buy a new one?

That's the rule.

What rule? There's no rule.

If anything, you owe me a table.

- How did you get there? - I believe this piece of furniture was fine...

...until your little breakfast adventure with Angela Delveccio.

You knew about that?

The impressions you made in the butter...

...left little to the imagination.

Okay, okay. How about if we split it?

What do you mean, like, buy it together?

Yeah.

Do you think we're ready for something like that?

- Why not? - Well, it's just a big commitment.

I mean, what if one of us wants to move out?

- Why, are you moving out? - I'm not moving out.

You'd tell me if you were moving out, right?

- Yes, it's just that, with my last roommate... - Oh, I know all about Kip.

We bought a hibachi together, and then he ran off and got married...

...and things got pretty ugly.

So let me ask you something.

Was Kip a better roommate than me?

Oh, don't do that.

You've got a couple changes in your schedule.

Your 4:00 herbal massage has been pushed back to 4:30.

And Ms. Summerfield canceled her 5:30 shiatsu.

Okay. Thanks.

Oh. Here comes your 3:00.

I don't mean to sound unprofessional, but, yum.

Oh. Paolo. Hi. What are you doing here?

Uh, Rachella tell me you...

...massage?

Yeah, well, Rachella's right. Yeah.

Oh.

Okay, I don't know what you just said, so let's just start.

Uh, I am, uh...

...being naked?

Um, that's really your decision.

I mean, some people prefer, you know, to take off...

Ooh, oops! Being naked.

I can't believe you don't want to know. I mean, I could not know.

I mean, if the doctor knows, and Carol knows, and Susan knows...

And Monica knows.

Heh. How could you? I don't even know.

Carol called to thank me for the lasagna. I asked. She told me.

So, what's it going to be?

Whoa.

Huh? Oh, great. Now he knows and I don't know.

I'm sorry. I'm just excited about being an aunt.

Or an uncle.

Hey, Phoebe. Hey, Pheebs.

Fine.

- Phoebe, what's the matter? - Nothing. I'm sorry.

I'm just... I'm out of sorts.

Hey, can we get some cappuccino over here?

Oh, right. That's me.

Hey, Chandler. That table place closes at 7. Come on.

Fine.

Phoebe. What is it?

- You know Paolo? - I'm familiar with his work, yes.

Look, he made a move on me.

- Whoa. The store will be open tomorrow. - More coffee over here, please.

Well, what happened?

Well, he came in for a massage...

...and everything was fine until...

- My God. - Are you sure?

Oh, yeah. I'm sure.

And all of a sudden, his hands weren't the problem anymore.

Was it?

Oh, Boy Scouts could've camped under there.

Ooh.

- "Ooh," what? - Ma Thurman.

- Oh. - The actress.

Uma Thurman!

Thanks, Rach.

- What are you gonna you do? - You have to tell her.

You have to tell her. It's your moral obligation as a friend...

...as a woman. I think it's a feminist issue. Guys? Guys?

Oh, yeah, you have to tell her.

Feminist issue? That's where I went.

She is gonna hate me.

Yeah, well.

Will you pick one? Just pick one.

Here, how about that one?

That's patio furniture.

So what? Like people are gonna come in and think, "Uh-oh, I'm outside again."