Private Benjamin

With this ring be thou consecrated unto me as my wife.

According to the law of Moses and faith of Israel.

According to the law of Moses and faith of Israel.

And you, Judy, say to Yale these words.

Take the ring.

This ring is a symbol that you are my husband.

This ring is a symbol that you are my husband.

And a sign of my love and devotion.

And a sign of my love and devotion.

In the presence of these witnesses...

...you spoke words and performed the rites...

...which unite your lives.

I therefore declare you, Yale and Judy...

...husband and wife.

Step on it.

Mazel tov!

PRIVATE BENJAMIN

But I only have eyes

For you

Judy Goodman

Do you have a date?

No, I told your Uncle Phil I'd meet him to look at his lease.

- You're not going to work now? - No, I'm not going to work.

He thinks he's getting evicted. Let me just talk to him.

Okay?

- Thanks for marrying me. - You're welcome.

Get me a Perrier with a twist?

- Arnie! - So you did it, huh?

I can't believe you married Goodman...

...when you could've had me.

I could have lived with you, Arnie.

Big difference.

Judy!

Look who I found! Mr. Waxman, the upholsterer.

I didn't recognize you without nails in your mouth.

I brought a little something I think you're going to love.

Mr. Waxman, you finished the ottoman!

Yale will be thrilled.

Wait a minute! Is this mushroom piping?

Looks beige-y to me, Ma. This isn't the right color, is it?

Ben...

...what happened to the mushroom?

That's as close as you're going to get to mushroom in Philadelphia.

Mr. Waxman, we've been through this a zillion times.

I told you I'm doing Yale's study in mushroom.

I'm sure you could've found a yard of mushroom fabric.

You want it, I'll get it.

This is your night!

Wheels?!

Mr. Waxman, I wanted upholstered balls.

Upholstered balls?

- Come on, Peanut. - Where're we going?

- My feet hurt. - Your feet will be fine.

I just want to talk to you.

What? Want a divorce already?

Darling, I have a very bad headache.

No wonder, you've danced all night. I'll get some Tylenol from Mom.

Sweetheart...

...it's not a Tylenol headache.

- Honey! - Please?

- Honey, not here! - Please, why not? Come on!

Why? Because everybody I know is ten feet away.

- They're having a good time. Please? - No, I'll ruin my dress.

- Your dress is fine. Come on! - Honey, please? I don't want to.

Kiss me first.

I love you so much.

Hi, Yale.

Judy's always been a good girl. Always!

She made a mistake with the first husband.

That's ancient history. The smartest thing she ever did was to marry you.

That's nice, Teddy.

It's very important for a father to know...

...his daughter's going to be well taken care of. Don't laugh!

You'll know what I mean when your daughter gets married.

Anyway, that's number one.

Number two!

We'll still have Sunday breakfasts?

- Of course, Daddy. - Good.

You can get the whitefish on your way over.

I want to give you two a little something from mother and me...

...a little extra happiness.

I guess it's not carpeting for the living room.

That's for the future, not Lord and Taylor, you little jerk!

Teddy, you're amazing!

It's my pleasure. Just use it in good health.

Thanks, Mom.

I'll show my mother, she'll go crazy!

I can't believe it!

Jude, get me a cigarette.

Coming back inside, Daddy?

I just want to see the recap of tonight's game.

Should I wait for you here?

Dad?

Get me a match, doll.

Jerry, if you call her you'll screw it up. That's my job, all right?

No, to call her.

How long you married? Anything more than 15 years, you lose the house.

It's not my rule, that's just the way it is.

Keep the boat, it's a male item.

Prenups is the only way to get around this and it's too late.

Give her the microwave, it's a built-in!

It comes with the house. What'll you do with one oven?

It's late now. 6:30 a.m. Monday...

...we'll play racquetball. We'll figure it out then. Can you wait?

We'll be in Jamaica 6:30 Monday.

I'll be on my honeymoon Monday.

I'll call you from Jamaica.

I don't know, from the hotel.

No, you'll be halved at worst. You're okay.

Prenups, babe!

- That'll never happen to us. - I know.

- Did this bathroom turn out gorgeous? - This ass is gorgeous.

Come here.

- What? - Wait, honey.

Wait just one second.

- Lift your back leg. - I don't have a back leg.

It's our wedding night. It's not real romantic making love in the sink.

- It's romantic making love anywhere. - I know. I love you.

- Let's go into the bedroom. - We're going into the bedroom next.

Just here. Good, sweetie!

Honey, good!

You're on my hair, get off my hair.

How's that?

- Oh, honey! - What?

- Oh, sweetie! - What?

I'm coming!

Why don't we go and get in bed?

Oh, God, full of compassion, thou who dwellest on high.

Grant perfect rest unto the soul of Yale Goodman...

...who has departed from this world.

Lord of mercy, bring him into Thy presence...

...and let his soul be bound up in the bond of eternal life.

Amen.

I can't try to console you...

...by saying there is any justice in this world.

Just be thankful for the friendship...

...and tenderness you and Yale had the opportunity to share.

My philosophy of life has gotten me through some very rough times.

Let me share it with you.

Que Será, Será.

I got it from the song.

Judith?

Just one thing.

If you can remember...

...what were Yale's last words?

"I'm coming."

I know you don't want to hear this...

...but you got to get right back into circulation.

When you fall off the horse, you got to climb right back on.

Aunt Kissy, please!

Could I be alone now?

I'm sorry.

She wants to be alone.

She wants to be alone.

She doesn't want to live in their place. I can't blame her.

- Sell everything and buy her new. - Buy her new? She'll live with us.

- What if she doesn't want to? - She doesn't know what she wants.

And what's she going to do now? Be my secretary again?

The girl's 29 years old and trained to do nothing.

I'm 28.

Look what we got!

I've never not belonged to somebody.

Never.

My first boyfriend was in nursery school. I was two...

...and he was three and since then...

...I've been pinned, lavaliered, engaged...

...married twice.

The first time, I was twenty.

See, I've been in this room eight days...

...and it's really the first eight days I've ever been alone in my life.

If I'm not going to be married...

...I don't know what I'm supposed to do with myself.

Did you happen to see that movie Unmarried Woman?

Well, I didn't get it.

I would've been Mrs. Alan Bates so fast...

...that guy wouldn't have known what hit him.

The thing is, and then I'll shut up...

...I haven't done anything wrong.

And I feel like I'm being punished!

I thought I'd be filling up my freezer...

...and be getting this new pine sideboard that I ordered and...

Jessica, I do hate...

...to stop your free association, but our switchboard's flooded.

So set your phone down and turn your radio up, okay?

Hello, Night Owl, you're on the air.

You lucked out. I read in the Enquirer this morning...

...that marriage causes cancer.

Philadelphia Night Owl, you're on the air.

About that Palestinian homeland. In your Bible you'll see...

...that the Arabs had first dibs on the West Bank.

Not tonight, Del, thanks.

Line 4, have you got advice for Jessica?

Yes, I do. Hi, Jessica.

My name is Jim.

First let me say how terribly sorry I am...

...about your misfortune.

And nobody knows better than you that things can't get much worse.

It's also pretty obvious that you need guidance, security...

...good friends and a healthy dose of self-confidence, Jessica.

What I'm saying is, I think I can help you find a new life.