Not Going Out

Yeah, OK, understood. Thanks, Geoffrey.

'Hang on.'

Are you talking to me whilst you're in the bathroom?

Yeah. 'Good God.

'What are you wearing?'

This conversation's taken a bit of a turn.

'Lee, are you speaking to me naked?'

I don't know. I can't see you.

Who's that?

It's your dad.

Sorry, I've got to go, Geoffrey,

Lucy wants to use the bathroom to kill a pig.

Bye-bye.

Did you want to speak to him? Not in the bathroom, no.

Why did you bring him in here?

You know he's not actually inside the magic speaking box, don't you?

It's not that odd, using the phone in the bathroom.

Well, not for a man who goes to the toilet when he's in a phone box.

Next time my dad calls, can you take it in the living room?

Have a bit of dignity.

You have got to be kidding me.

What's the problem?

I'm still here?

And?

Just think there should be a bit of mystery surrounding this thing.

What do you want me to do,

reach round and whip out a bunch of flowers?

Why are you suddenly so bothered?

I sometimes go to the toilet when you're in the shower. Do you?

Don't look so shocked. You go to the toilet while you're in the shower!

If it's bothering you so much, leave. I'm cleaning my teeth.

Well, use the kitchen sink. You use the kitchen sink!

OK!

Er, excuse me?

Could you close the door, please?

Unbelievable!

There's your orange juice. Has it got bits in? No.

I want bits in.

There. Now it's got bits in.

I'm off to work.

Those rockets aren't going to fire themselves, are they, Molly?

You don't have to keep pretending you're an astronaut, Daddy.

We love you, whatever you do.

I sell cars.

That's rubbish!

Right, I'm going. OK, see you later.

Is that it?

What? Well, aren't you going to miss me?

I don't know. Are you going to leave?

You could say goodbye to me properly.

Wow. But not in front of the kids. We'll traumatise them.

What's your problem this morning?

I'll tell you my problem.

Where's the intimacy gone in our relationship?

I just did a great big wee in front of you. That's fairly intimate.

It's not very romantic, is it?

Well, I'm sorry that I don't go to the toilet romantically enough.

Maybe next time I'll sit there playing the harp.

After all, you sometimes sound like you're in there with a tuba.

Look, it's not just the toilet thing. It's romance in general.

Do you know that since we've had the kids,

we haven't had a single night away, just the two of us? So?

That's your choice, just as much as mine. No, it's not.

Do you remember what I asked for on my last birthday?

Oh, not this again.

The Orient Express is very expensive!

We did the next best thing.

The next best thing to the Orient Express is not Pizza Express!

And you know it's not just about the money.

OK, so I don't like leaving the kids with other people.

I want to be near them in case they need me.

Mummy, there's a burnt bit on my toast.

Well, phone social services!

All right, what about tonight? Me and you

go out for something to eat. I'll find us a nice restaurant.

Sounds nice.

But...?

Well, if we go out, we only have to come back.

And we're already here.

All that dressing up, choosing a restaurant...

Yeah, it's not easy, is it? Putting clothes on and eating.

Maybe we should just stay at home in our pants

and suck on a damp flannel.

OK, we'll stay at home, but we're doing it properly.

I'll cook us dinner.

We don't watch television, and we don't eat until the kids are in bed.

OK, if you insist.

If I insist?

I'm not asking you to dress as a lollipop lady

and spank me with the sign!

It's supposed to be romantic. OK.

So I'm saying yes, fine, OK? Great.

Well, I'll look forward to it, then. Well then, so will I. Fine.

Are you two getting divorced?

Just eat your orange juice.

Coming, ready or not!

Are they hiding in the cupboard under the stairs?

No, they're not in the cupboard under the stairs.

Are they hiding under the kitchen table?

No, they're not hiding under the kitchen table.

Where can they be?

Maybe I should look behind the curtains.

No, they're not behind the curtains.

We are behind the curtains!

I meant under the carpet.

Come on.

Charlie's been sick at Beavers.

Don't worry, son, I once sneezed at an otter.

Oh, why's it so gloomy in here?

I was going for an ambience.

Is the ambulance for me?

Not an ambulance, an ambience.

It means when you're trying to create... an ambience.

Oh!

Oh, so that's where they are. I had no idea!

We did tell you.

Oh, that was your voice, was it? I'll cancel the priest.

Let's get them to bed.

I can't help tonight, can I? I'm cooking, remember? Yeah...

OK, I'll sort the kids out. What are you doing?

Just grabbing a banana. I'm starving. Well, don't grab a banana.

It will spoil your dinner. Why, is that what we're having?

Molly, you know when you do that

and it's not your birthday, a fairy dies?

MOLLY WAILS

Come on, kids. Daddy's busy.

I'm just trying to create an atmosphere.

Well, I'm hungry and the kids are upset, so well done.

Mission accomplished.

ROMANTIC MUSIC PLAYS

Oh. You've changed.

No big deal. Same pants.

They must be due their annual service soon.

Oh, looks lovely. Thanks.

It's a Jamie Oliver thing.

I was going to do Heston,

but I didn't have a hydrovacuated testicular spatula.

It's a Moroccan lamb dish.

Made with loads of different spices and cooked in a sauce made from...

Made from chicken beaks and cats' faces.

Oh, sounds lovely.

Are you texting?

No.

Yes, you are. You're on the phone.

I know, but I'm not texting. I was on Tinder!

I'm just looking up Charlie's symptoms.

Well, whilst you're on the NHS website,

you might want to look up the medical effects of having

a lamb tagine force-fed down your oesophagus.

Charlie will be fine.

Come on, it's supposed to be a romantic meal.

Took me ages to do this cooking. Thanks.

And I do appreciate you going to the same effort I go to every night.

In fact, if this is the effect it has,

I should go to the toilet in front of you more often!

It wasn't just the toilet thing.

I just worry sometimes that we're not concentrating on each other

as much as we should be.

Is this you asking me for more sex?

No.

Well, were you about to suggest...? No. It's not about sex.

It's about me and you not forgetting to be romantic with each other,

like we are being now.

Look, Lee, I really appreciate everything you've done tonight.

And it's sweet that you're so concerned about us, but,

honestly, we're doing fine!

I love you.

Along with the kids, you're the most important thing in my life,

and I don't take that for granted, ever.

And I certainly don't think I've lost the romance.

Are you sure?

I'm sure.

OK.

Happy anniversary.

Well, aren't you going to open it?

It's not today, is it?

Oh, I think it is.

Well, you're obviously overwhelmed. I'll open it for you.

Are you sure it isn't tomorrow?

Oh, no, tomorrow is a different special day altogether.

It's the one-day anniversary of the that day you forgot our anniversary.

Look, it's that special vintage hourglass

we saw in that antiques shop.

Well, I haven't really forgotten our anniversary.

Oh, so?

I'll give you three minutes to think of something.

Well, maybe there's a present waiting for you to unwrap

when we get upstairs.

Oh? An actual present? Could be.

Or do you mean me taking your clothes off, because unless you've

got some Debenhams vouchers tucked under there, that doesn't count!

Is this why you've been acting odd all day?

Going on about the lack of romance?

Oh, Lucy, forget about it. It doesn't matter.

This is just a silly little something to say that the

sands of time are like my love for you.

Always flowing.

And if at times our love has the appearance of ebbing away,

you just have to put a little bit of effort in and very soon

you can turn things round and see the love flowing once again.