A Series of Unfortunate Events

I've called every town, business and bus stop

within 100 miles of Lake Lachrymose, and no one has seen the Baudelaires.

I'm finished, Eleanora!

If I hadn't lost those orphans, I'd be getting a promotion right now.

Mr. Tamerlane is gonna fire me at any time.

That's him! Pick it up! No, don't pick it up!

Answer it! Hang up!

No! Yes! No...

Get a hold of yourself!

Poe speaking.

Poe, this is Tamerlane.

I've received orders that I can't let you go.

But if you don't find those orphans, I'll make sure you end up

handing out cannoli to incontinent adults on the new accounts desk.

- Am I clear? - Yes, Mr. Tamerlane, yes.

Take it off.

- No. - Take it off.

No!

No, please.

No, don't make... No.

Call me when you've found those orphans.

Leave it to me, Artie.

Before I was editor in chief of the Daily Punctilio,

I cut my teeth as an investigative journalist.

Oh.

It's time I got back to my roots.

"Seeing in black and white"

is a way of saying that a person looks at the world

in a manner that is oversimplified and often incorrect.

Like many newspapers, the Daily Punctilio is printed in black and white,

and its look at the world is oversimplified and often incorrect.

The death of noted scientist Dr. Montgomery Montgomery

was not due to snake allergies.

The destruction of Josephine Anwhistle's home

was not the work of a cabal of real estate agents.

Lemony Snicket is not dead.

I am sorry to say that there was not a terrible accident

at the Lucky Smells Lumbermill during the Baudelaires' time there.

There were two.

It is my duty to report these events correctly,

the way they actually happened.

But if you prefer to look at the world in black and white,

then you should avert your eyes or pick up a newspaper instead.

Because I know the shocking truth behind the accidents

at the Lucky Smells Lumbermill, and I can assure you...

it's better if you can't see.

- Thank you. I can see. - Well, of course you can.

I'm an excellent optometrist, no matter what the medical board says.

Well, hello, little girls. What are your names?

You know our names, and that wig and that lipstick don't fool us.

I don't know what you're talking about.

I'm Dr. Orwell's receptionist. My name is Shirley.

- You mean Shirley Count Olaf? - Actually, my last name is St. Ives.

It says so on my name tag, see?

- What have you done to Klaus? - You were right.

These children are horribly impolite.

They really should be more careful, Dr. Orwell.

If they were to do something impolite to me, like, for example,

call me by the wrong name,

I would have to do something impolite to them,

like, for example, tear their hair out with my bare hands.

Cookie?

What's all this?

I don't pay you in gum to stand around gabbing!

Oh, hello, children.

I hope you're having a nice visit with the optometrist.

Charles, you have to listen. This woman is a notorious villain.

- And she's not a woman. - Nonsense!

Dr. Orwell has provided free eye exams to Lucky Smells employees for years.

And there's nothing villainous about free healthcare.

Clearly she's a woman. Look at her pantsuit.

I'm surprised at you, Baudelaires.

Women can be doctors just as men can be receptionists.

I'm talking about the receptionist.

Hi, I'm Cookie. Shirley?

- I'm Shirley. Cookie? - Don't mind if I do.

Did you consider our little proposal?

- What proposal? - It doesn't concern you, Charles.

Doesn't concern me? I'm your partner.

I... I haven't seen you in my chair.

- I have excellent vision. - Well, vision changes.

Just as I suspected. Cloudy, dull.

- What color is this newspaper? - Hmm, black and white?

And color-blind, too. You must come see me right away.

Can't have a cloudy, dull-eyed partner. How would you make my omelets?

Now, ladies, would you like a ride?

Handsome and a gentleman.

Pleasure.

Let's go, Charles.

Hur-rah!

What a nice lady.

Lucky Smells visiting hours are over.

Get back to work!

Yes, sir.

Lucky boy,

would you like to turn on the stamping machine?

Yes, sir.

Klaus?

I wish I knew.

There's nothing to worry about.

Your brother is smiling.

He would never operate a machine without reading the manual first.

He's operating it perfectly.

You're doing great, Klaus!

Move as fast as you can and then move faster!

Count Olaf and Dr. Orwell did something to Klaus.

He's not himself.

One moment he's normal, and the next... he's like a zombie.

I saw a scary movie like that once.

Was it Zombies in the Snow?

What? No. It was Hypnotists in the Forest.

To be honest with you, I didn't really get it.

But I loved the fact that it was in black and white.

Focus, lumber minions!

Did you just say "hypnotists"?

Cheer up. I'm sure that if you look on the bright side...

Look on your right side!

Get out of the way!

Code red! Code red!

Get out of the way!

Whoa!

Ah!

They won't stop coming, Dolores.

They're like zombies, only different.

I'm afraid they've been...

hypnotized.

Many people think hypnosis is only in scary movies.

Dolores, avert your eyes!

But, Dolores, no!

Those people are wrong.

The Encyclopedia Hypnotica tells of a woman who,

whenever she'd hear the word "omelet," would cluck like a chicken.

What are you doing?

And a man who, upon hearing the word "Nero,"

could suddenly play an instrument he'd never studied.

Dolores, put down that violin!

The Encyclopedia Hypnotica does not mention the fatal accident

that happened during the Baudelaires' time at Lucky Smells Lumbermill.

"Fatal" is a word here which means "caused the death of one person who...

it is my solemn duty to inform you...

was not Phil."

- We're here for you, Phil. - Come on.

- You're gonna be all right. - Bear down now, Phil.

I'm okay!

Code red! Code red! Code red!

- Code red! Code red! - What's going on out there?

Code red!

It's too heavy! It won't budge!

I was saving that for later.

- Oh! - Oh, boy!

Half-price pedicures for life!

If somebody can help me up to my foot,

I'm pretty sure I'll be able to get back to work.

You need to go to a hospital.

We earned those coupons last month. 50% off Ahab Memorial.

Uh, two of us will chip in.

- We'll get your leg fixed up. - It can't be fixed.

Oh! I wouldn't say that.

I mean, Phil's leg is going to need some...

eh... help.

But, uh, we're fortunate that, uh, the damage wasn't worse.

Wasn't worse? The debarker dispenser is destroyed.

- Who's responsible? - Klaus Baudelaire caused the accident.

He said he knew how to operate heavy machinery.

- That's not true. - Well, now I know that.

I meant it was a mistake.

Excuses, excuses. Just like your parents.

They burnt down the town,

and now you've come back to finish the job.

Sir, be reasonable.

Perhaps we should reevaluate our safety procedures.

Or perhaps we shouldn't let children near dangerous machines.

I got a better solution.

One more mistake, Baudelaires, and I'm gonna send you away

to a place where you'll learn the value of discipline and child labor.

As it happens, I have just the place in mind.

Now get back to work!

This mistake has cost me an inordinate amount of money.

It was an accident. Klaus didn't mean to hurt Phil. I know it.

I'm sorry. When Sir gets like this, there's nothing I can do.

So you're just gonna do nothing?

If you can't speak up for us, at least speak up for yourself.

You're right, my dear. I've been a silent partner for too long.

And this mill... it has too many secrets.

It's time you learnt one about your parents.

Charles?

- Meet me after lunch in the library. - You can't tell us now?

Well, I would, but I've got an appointment.

I don't understand.

Everyone is staring at me like I'm a pariah.

"Pariah" means "outcast."

Klaus, it's you.

- What happened to Phil? - I'm okay.

We need to talk.

If the world ever feels confusing,

as if people are having secret meetings to plot against you behind your back,

it's useful to know they are.

And the odd behavior of Klaus Baudelaire

could be traced to a secret meeting that happened not long after