Farce of the Penguins

I am about to tell you

a beautiful story;

a story that takes place somewhere far away.

A place where the temperature

is 58 degrees below zero.

It is the coldest, darkest, most barren place on earth.

I'm talking about Antarctica.

Antarctica:

you can get there from here, but it's quite a journey.

You'll want to bring a sweater,

or maybe let your pubic hair grow really long,

and wrap it around your testicles.

It's that cold.

If you're a woman, you wouldn't have testicles,

so you'd probably let your pubic hair

grow really long around your vagina.

Whatever your gender,

Antarctica is a very cold place to live.

But it's also one of the most beautiful places on earth.

And if you're one of those people

who has both testicles and a vagina,

you may not want to go to Antarctica at all.

Amsterdam probably makes more sense for what you are:

half-man, half-woman.

And analogous to being a half-man, half-woman,

Antarctica used to be populated by thick bushes,

until millions of years ago,

when it slowly drifted to the south-most point of the earth

where all hell froze over.

America used to be populated by thick bushes too

until they started bikini waxes and Brazilian cuts.

Hmmm-hmmm...

I miss big bushes.

Antarctica is about one and a half times

the size of the united states.

A claim once made in the 1960s, by Cuba.

But this isn't a story about a country

who's just waiting for their next dictator to die.

This is a story about the amazing creatures

who for millions of years have lived here

in mother earth's frigid white anus.

This is a story about survival.

It is a story about determination.

But mainly, it is a story about love,

penguin love.

This is the...

Whoo-hoo!

Ohhh!

Whaa! Oy!

Every January,

thousands of male penguins

go to the ocean to feed.

Yes!

Giving them the fuel and strength

to make the treacherous journey back home,

where they will then mate with the bitches

they have yet to meet.

But those bitches are 4 months and 70 miles away.

So for now, the males will bond.

But due to budgetary issues, their mouths do not move,

yet we can hear their every neurotic thought.

Jimmy, has it ever dawned on you

that we have major eating disorders?

Carl, everybody has an eating disorder.

Yeah, but not like us.

We don't eat for 6 months, and then we walk 70 miles,

fill our guts till we're super-sized,

and then we walk back 70 miles to get laid.

It's sick.

Carl, when we get to the water,

take a good look at your reflection.

You're a penguin!

You don't have an eating disorder.

You're a penguin.

We walk, we eat, we get laid.

I just wish our lives were different.

You make your own happiness, my friend.

I don't think that's entirely true, Jimmy.

You don't think your own positive attitude

has a lot to do with whether or not

the relationships in your life are working?

If you accept responsibility

for your part of the relationship.

My own positive attitude wasn't enough

to keep Valerie from leaving me.

Remember?

I'm leaving you, Carl.

Why, Valerie? I thought we were doing so well.

I want a bigger house.

A bigger house?

What are you talking about?

We live outdoors. Your house can't get any bigger.

We just don't want the same things, Carl.

Obviously. You want a bigger house.

That's not even in the realm of reality.

Goodbye, Carl.

And the year before her: Amanda.

I have something to tell you, Carl.

I cheated on you.

How? We've been standing right next to each other for two months.

While you were sleeping, Vittorio came over and...

we made love.

But I was standing right here.

That's why it's over, Carl.

You didn't even wake up.

She had a point.

And the year before her: Esther.

I can't be with someone who doesn't keep kosher.

All I eat is fish, Esther.

What have I eaten that's not kosher?

Have you eaten squid, or octopus, or shrimp?

Yes, but I only eat once a year. You can't begrudge me.

You might as well drive a stake through my heart, Carl.

You've been choosing the wrong women, buddy.

You know, a lot of people peak in high school

and then everything after that is downhill.

Well, you just gotta get back to the old Carl,

the guy I knew when we were younger,

the guy who didn't care who he banged night to night.

Oooh! I always cared.

Oh, yeah, but now you care too much.

Sorry, buddy, if I don't eat soon,

I'm gonna pass out.

You boys ready to block your colons for three months?

Where you lead me, I will go, Jimmy.

I have no discernible personality.

I just hope there's sand dabs down there.

Last year, some asshole ate all the sand dabs.

God, I love sand dabs.

They're so good...

all succulent, pan-fried with a little butter.

Come on, men! Let's fill our guts with fish

and then get us some... Ahhh!

I'm right on your tail, Jimmy!

I'm starving! I'm horny.

I'm Sidney!

Penguins are fascinating creatures.

They are birds, but cannot fly.

Nature really fucked us.

Can't even jerk off.

They live in the ocean, but have to come up for air.

Ow! Rocks. Hurt. Stomach.

Scratch. Rock. Raw!

Bleeding. Shit. Ah!

Why... am... I... doing this!

It's a fun, indulgent few months for them:

eating whenever they want to,

no responsibilities,

it's kind of like going to the University of Miami.

To get in there, all you need is a 1.8,

a six-pack, and a bong.

The more you watch them, the more you realize

how beautiful penguins are.

Especially after you see something like...

this.

Look at the face on that poor thing.

Not even his own mother could love that.

This can't be good for our internal organs.

Stop bitching and start gorging, Carl.

We are officially underway.

That's it? Aren't we supposed to wait, like, 30 minutes

before walking 70 miles?

You're such a pussy.

Maybe that's why I love you.

God, it was freezing down there, Jimmy.

If I had testicles, they'd be up inside my body right now.

If you had testicles, you'd be getting raped by a seal.

No means no.

I don't know what that means.

It's a non sequitur, my friend.

Not everything has to have meaning.

Our lives should. Ugh! Here we go...

don't you ever think about anything, Jimmy?

Like why we live here.

We could move to anywhere in the world we wanted to.

Carl, where are we going to move to,

and how are we going to get there, burrow?

It's not like we can go on the internet and find a deal.

This is what we do.

We walk 70 miles for sand dabs.

God, I love sand dabs. They're so good.

All succulent, pan-fried with a little butter.

I don't know.

We could move to Los Angeles.

All we do is walk. Nobody walks in L.A.

new york? You'd freeze your ass off in the winter.

Chicago? Too windy.

Palm springs? I see dead people.

Carl, the problem's not where we live,

the problem is what you got going on

inside that neurotic little head of yours.

It's hopeless, Jimmy.

If I was eaten by a killer seal right now,

nobody would even miss me.

Hey, shithead!

Ow!

I would miss you,

all of our other friends would miss you too.

Yeah! We'd miss you, Carl. You go, girl.

Oh, you gotta shake it off, bro.