Must Love Dogs

The best place to meet a guy is at the supermarket.

You don't need to waste a lot of time there, either.

You see a guy holding a list, you know he's married.

He's in the frozen food section carrying a small basket,

he's single.

I like to hang out by fruits and vegetables.

There's a better chance of getting a guy who's healthy.

Probably the best place is home depot,

or any hardware store.

You just walk up to the cutest guy

and say, "oh, do you know where I can get nailed?

"I mean, nails?

Uh, pardon me, I've been drinking all afternoon."

And that way, he knows, one, that you're easy,

and two, that you like to drink.

I thought a great place to meet girls would be night school.

You know, where they teach English as a second language.

You know, because these girls would be from foreign lands

and, you know, maybe still a little disoriented

from the journey, and I would look attractive

because I speak English very good.

But in the end, it did not work out as I had hoped.

I mean, basically, I was told to take a hike in 14 languages.

Where do you meet people?

I don't know. They're everywhere.

Why, is there a problem?

No.

No way. I'm not going out with this guy.

Just call him.

Say, "hello." He's in my book club.

Why is there a woman in this picture?

It's his wife. They're separated,

but he didn't want to go through the trouble of photoshopping her out

if you're not interested.

They are in Hawaii.

I believe it's the four seasons.

This could be you in the photograph.

Aloha.

All right, well, if you change your mind.

Woman: Yeah, I've got a picture, too.

Man: Me, too.

Is that why you're all here?

The whole family?

Everyone has a picture for me?

This is an intervention, Sarah.

This guy's great.

A beautiful girl like you can't just give up.

There's life after divorce, you know.

You were married to the same woman for 45 years, dad.

What do you know about divorce?

This guy's my boss. Be nice.

Precious little, I admit.

Oh, the black specter of two lives torn asunder.

Not helping, dad.

I wish your sainted mother

were here, god rest her soul.

She'd know what to say.

Put on another pot of tea,

that's what she'd say.

The Irish answer to all problems.

Well, it worked most of the time.

Who is this? I have no idea,

but if you're interested, I'll Google him.

Is this it for food in this house?

Like, eight crackers.

And what are these? Are these bananas?

I think they were at one time.

I'll take one.

I guess I forgot to shop this month.

What are you gonna do, sis?

I mean, really, it's been eight months.

Dad's "giving up" idea sounds intriguing.

I could become the crazy aunt

who moves in down in the basement.

Put a cot in for me, some herbal teas.

I'd like to get a dog, if that's ok.

Marc, don't you have

a friend for Sarah?

"A friend for Sarah."

I'm now an episode of "little house on the prairie."

Come on, you must know somebody.

Marc: Not really.

But if you want to have an affair,

I do know a couple of married guys.

Here.

We'll let that be our fallback, ok?

Ok.

Man: An affair, that's...

Woman: My husband to the rescue.

Man: Don't, uh, don't cover mine.

I think affairs should go on the other side.

Yeah.

Hi, Jake.

Hey, Charlie.

Divorce is final.

You're a free man. Whoo-hoo.

I don't know if "whoo-hoo"

is the appropriate sentiment.

Four years, a woman I really loved,

and I got my ass kicked. High five.

It's not that kind of moment, either.

Down low? Just 'cause I want this to stop.

You are officially, by the way,

the worst client I've ever had.

Thank you.

Let Lisa have everything she wanted.

Even the judge wanted you to keep those boxing gloves.

Oh, you know, she really liked you.

Well, I liked her, too, as far as judges go.

No, I mean really.

Wow,

that's a good-looking cougar. Excellent stuff.

Think she'd like to buy a handmade, stainable teak boat?

Maybe if it came with private lessons.

Mm. Everybody wants all that tupperware,

those computer-designed fiberglass composite thing.

I mean... Don't even look like boats.

They look like boats when they go

whizzing by your wooden guy here.

That was one race, and I've made some adjustments, Charlie.

Wood boats can win-- you trust me on that.

They can't win-- that's why people don't want them.

All right, they can't win, but they lose beautifully,

and the whole experience is just better.

Look at this-- with my own hands, I'm making these boats

the exact same way the Spanish and the Portuguese

made their great ships of exploration.

There's a continuity at stake here, Charlie.

This is more than a boat.

This is a time machine.

If you paid this much attention to Lisa,

you might still be together.

This is true.

But you know what, if I had to do it

all over again, I would.

I would.

Lisa taught me about sadness,

about human frailty,

and how unbearably fleeting happiness can be.

I'm gonna owe her for the rest of my life.

Oh, you'll be paying. Monthly.

Hope you don't mind that I brought Mother Teresa.

Jennifer needed a break.

Are you kidding? I love this girl.

Mother Teresa!

Do you have a friend for me?

Hey, is everything all right at home?

Yeah. Jennifer just gets tired of all the family gatherings.

Oh. Too many old stories.

It makes her feel left out.

Yeah. Kevin used to say that.

I still say it.

I say it, too.

It seems hard now, Sarah, I know,

but you've got a chance to make a whole new life for yourself.

Thank you, Michael,

but in the marketplace of available women...

Any guy would be lucky to get you.

You're smart, funny, you're even kind of pretty

when you're not wallowing in self-pity.

Am I wallowing? Really?

And you're not the wallower in the family.

Carol is the wallower.

Me? I never wallow. I suffer in silence.

No, that's Christine. She wallows!

Thank you, Michael.

Sylvia plath!

This is why people don't have large families anymore.

Bye.

Love you, Carol. Ok, I'll call you tomorrow.

Bye. See you, dad.

Thank you. I think. Bye, dad.

Bye, Chris. Bye.

See you later, dad.

Bye, daddy. Bye!

There's someone special waiting for you, Sarah.

I know it.

Someone worthy.

Kevin was not-- on his best day--

good enough for you, sweetheart.

Now you tell me.

Why not?

Charlie: You know I love you,

and I love Lisa,

but I think you're both better off.

We sure weren't making each other happy there at the end.

Or the beginning.

Or the middle.

I mean, don't get me wrong, we all...

Wanted to sleep with Lisa,

but marriage...

That's not right.

I said that out loud, didn't I?

You did.

Better strike that from the record, right?

No, seriously, lawyers get to do that.

I'm instructing you to disregard that now.

I think women have the whole thing planned.

Really. The whole thing.

An epic narrative in their heads.