Alien Outlaw

- Wes, do you have to leave tonight? - I should have left this morning.

Jesse's gonna be mad as hell at me

if I don't get this show to the motel before sunrise.

Oh, what's the rush?

I was supposed to be there this afternoon.

Jesse's not booked to perform for at least a couple more days.

But I think you're forgetting about practice.

One doesn't put on a show like this without...

practice.

Mmm, then hang around and we'll practice.

Whoa, baby. We've been practicing all day.

Then it's time to perform.

Jesse is going to perform on my skull

if I don't get this show on the road.

- Oh... - Don't worry, lover.

The show's only booked for a few performances.

I'll be back here again before we take it to another part of the country.

Another part of the country?

- And another cabin? - Mmm...

- And another girl? - Mmm...

Oh, well. Who cares? I'm having a good time.

Now go check the trailer and make sure the door's closed tight.

Well, how's the door?

- All secure. - Good.

Then I guess it's time to go.

Too bad.

I hope you've had a good time. I have.

This cabin and these mountains hold some beautiful memories.

Does that mean you'll come back up here when I can get away?

If you promise to come here every time the show's within 500 miles of this place.

You can count on it.

Think this thing will get you where you're going?

Why is Jesse so cheap?

Any act that claims to be the best of its kind

should at least have a truck to haul it around in.

It could look better, PR-wise.

But for now, we'll just be content on being the best.

Is Jesse really that good?

"The best"?

There's always someone better.

You can make an exception in this case, baby.

As far as the planet Earth goes, there ain't a gunslinger on this terrain

that can handle weapons better than Jesse Jamison.

Damn. A plane crash.

Is anybody out there?

This is crazy.

It's gotta be here.

No!

No, wait! No! No! No, please!

Please don't. No!

No, please don't! No, wait. No! No!

No!

It's been a long time since I've seen anyone do that blindfolded.

It's good.

Hey.

The sharpshooters I knew back in the old days used one exactly like this,

only they were so thin that when you put them on, you could see right through it.

But it fooled the audience, and for some people that's all that mattered.

Now let's see how sharp those pretty eyes of yours really are.

These things blow up real pretty when you hit one just right.

Let's see a bull's-eye.

It's all yours, Miss Jesse.

Hey, that was great, Jesse!

I hope I please you, Sunset.

What I've seen pleases me very much, Jesse.

And if the rest of your show is anything like what I've seen this morning,

I have no doubt the Diamond theatrical agency will sign you up.

Jesse Jamison, fastest gun on earth!

I never claimed to be the fastest, Sunset. Just the best.

Only the best?

The Diamond Booking Agency is also the best.

They book acts for all the big American amusement parks,

all the nightclubs, rodeos and foreign shows.

My interview with Mrs. Diamond is still at 1:00?

At 1:00.

And because I think you've got something more on the ball than meets the eye,

let me warn you,

be prepared when you walk into her office to sell your show.

She's a tough old gal,

and she's never snowed by a pretty face.

She just uses them to sell advertising or bookings.

I understand.

A lot of her agents have seen your show and they're well impressed.

So while you're in her office, do let her know you're there for business.

Thanks, Sunset. I'll be all business at 1:00.

Hey! And don't forget, it doesn't hurt to look your best.

Hello?

- Good morning, Frank. - Oh, good morning, Jesse.

My business manager was up late last night.

Yeah. I think maybe I got us some bookings and show dates.

Get any private bookings, Frank?

Sounds like you had quite a show date yourself last night.

- Oh, that agent's secretary. - She was pretty, Frank.

Did you convince her you were a big-time booking agent

for the greatest gun show on earth?

Come off it, Jesse. That girl was business.

She's got a lot of contacts.

Probably a long list of them.

Better go to the health clinic, Frank.

I'd be writing all this down if it were funny, Jesse.

I have something else that isn't funny, Frank.

What, Jesse?

Have you ever noticed how you and Wes

seem to get all sorts of pretty girls using my show,

but I'm not making any money?

- You've been making money. - Not much.

And speaking of not much, just where is Wes?

You mean he's not here yet?

That's right, Frank. That's just what I mean.

Well, he's probably still at his cabin.

Why, Frank? Why is he still at his cabin?

We don't have a show for two more days, Jesse.

I need to practice, Frank.

I need my show.

- He'll be here. - You've told me that before, Frank.

We've missed shows before, Frank.

- Cut it out. I'm tired. I was up late. - I'm sorry.

This is the operator. You'll have to deposit another--

Just charge it to her room and shut up, Operator.

Sir?

- Frank? - Or put it on my bill.

Whoever heard of a hotel operator charging for a room-to-room call?

- I'm not at the motel, Frank. - Where the hell are you?

I had an appointment today with the Diamond book--

Uh, I had an appointment to have the oil in my car changed.

- All right, we'll talk tonight. - We'll talk when I get back, Frank.

Fine. Right now, I just want some sleep.

Right now, I want you to find out where Wes's cabin is.

Sir, I cannot put it on your bill.

I bet this operator is only 15 and she's wearing some really tight pants.

- Sir... - We were talking about Wes's cabin.

- ... do you realize this is a public utility... - What?

- Wes's cabin! - It's in the mountains.

Wow, that tells me a lot, Frank. I know it's in the mountains.

Wes has some kind of nasty cabin tucked away on every mountain in the country.

I want you to find out where this one is.

Go there if you have to. I want my show.

I want it at the motel. And I want it tonight.

Call Wes's uncle.

...regarding the operation of this facility.

- You know, I like young girls, Operator. - I must insist that--

Wes's uncle Alex. He'll know where it is.

Frank, you call Alex.

- Abusive language will not be tolerated... - Okay, just let me get some sleep.

- Call now, Frank. - Okay. Just let me get some sleep.

Call now, Frank!

I can't hear you, Jesse. This line's too noisy.

What color are your shorts, Operator?

Why have I put up with this for so long?

Whew.

Whew-whew!

Now, Jack, that's a nice outfit.

Hey, you can't bring it back!

- Good morning, Miss Jamison. - What's going on here?

I believe it's about checkout time, Miss Jamison.

Checkout time? We're gonna be here for two more days.

I'm sorry, Miss Jamison. No one made me aware of that.

Well, you're aware of it now.

Put my bags back in the room.

I'm terribly sorry, Miss Jamison, but we're all filled up.

And I've already booked this room for the week.

That's ridiculous. You must have another room.

What about my manager? Where is he?

We called him when he was late for checkout time.

He said he wanted his room for two more nights.

And didn't he also say that I wanted this room for two more nights?

Apparently, you are the victim of bad management, Miss Jamison.

We're liberal people here. We understand.

I'll have the porter take your bags down to your, uh, manager's room.

- Boy. - Huh?

The bags in front of 203, take them down to 110.

I'm going to lunch.

- Always leaving for lunch. - What's that?

- I said, "Yes, ma'am." - Oh.

Well, hop to it.

I like to see a little hustle out of my employees,

especially when I'm having to pay them minimum wage.

Going right now.

Carry the bags, clean the room, swab the deck, mop the floor!

Take them up, take them down!

Frank! Frank, open the door.

Frank, I wanna talk to you.

It's monotonous. I'm young. I need some excitement around here.

I wanna swing. I wanna dance. I wanna ha-cha-cha-cha.

Frank?

I have a 1:00 appointment and I need this room.

Frank?

Okay, Frank.

Do you have a passkey?

No, ma'am.

- Only the manager has a passkey. - Where is she?

Godzilla's gone to lunch.

Never mind me. I'm just the porter.

Frank!

Dear? Dear?

Beautiful man!

Frank...

Frank.

Wake up, sleepy head.

Get the hell up!