American Dad!

Ugh!

Roller derby is amazing.

I can't believe they were gmng tickets away

at the organic-juice store.

I didn't even have to buy juice.

I did. They're good!

One tastes just like apple juice,

except it's really salty and there's lots of scum on top.

Ohh!

Did you see that trip?!

That's bullcrap! Somebody, do something!

don't worry. Here comes the cavalry.

Whoa, ho, ho!

That was awesome!

These women are warriors.

They live by the code of the ancient Amazons,

a sisterhood who have each other's backs.

Wow. I wish I had that.

You do!

Hello! Right here!

You know I always got your back, girlfriend.

Hey!

don't block the aisle, bitch.

Klaus? Wha?

Uh, did something just --

I mean, I caught the tail end of that,

but I-I don't want to get involved in anything

if I didn't see the whole incident

because, you know, when I come, I come heavy.

But it's just irresponsible

if I haven't seen the whole incident.

You have any beefs going forward, I got your back...

Assuming I see the whole incident.

# good morning, U.S.A. #

# I got a feelin' that it's gonna be a wonderful day #

# the sun in the sky has a smile on his face #

# and he's shinin' a salute to the American race #

# oh, boy, it's swell to say #

# good -- # # good morning, U.S.A. #

aah!

# good morning, U.S.A. #

excuse me, miss.

I-I got to say, what you guys do is incredible.

You're like modern Amazon warriors.

It's not "miss." It's iris.

I don't respond to gender-specific titles.

Love it.

If you're into it, you should try out.

Really?! I'd love to!

Oh, but can I play if I'm straight?

Straight, huh? Not getting that from you.

But sexual orientation -- that's your own business.

You're so open-minded.

Hayley, I'm sorry for earlier.

I did see the whole incident.

Geez, Klaus. How much have you had to drink?

One beer.

So, let's go find that bitch and kick her ass!

Oh, God. There she is.

Stan, you said you'd call the repairman to fix this.

Sorry. I guess I got a little busy...

Going to work. Remember?

The only thing I remember

is that you never do what you promise.

Stop it! Stop it! Stop it!

This was once a house of love!

You know how you guys always say I don't have a thing?

I've found my thing -- roller derby.

So much female power.

Chicks... crushin' each other,

takin' back the night.

That's why I'm trying out.

I've never been part of a team like that.

They are modern-day Amazons.

Hey, stop saying "Amazons" like you made it up.

I was the one in the bathroom

when the guy explained it that way to his buddy.

Me, not you! Me!

Steve, you want to go grab a beer?

I'll put on coffee, Klaus.

Stan, do something!

I just walked in the door!

Hmm. "Fold here."

Ooh! The dark arts!

You're gonna try out for roller derby?

I'd love to see that.

You don't even have your own skates.

Well, you can come watch if you let me borrow a pair.

In-line, roller, or sequined roller?

That's a trick question.

They're all sequined.

I'm gonna win! I'm gonna win!

Wha?

Oh, honey, you were so close to winning an iPod nano.

Go tell your caregiver you need more money.

Roger!

What? If I let her win,

everybody will know there's no iPod nanos in those boxes,

just dried dog doo-doos.

Well, they should be dry by now.

What are you doing here?

Oh, I'm the day manager. Bit of a rink rat.

Hey!

Hey, Steve! Your crossover's looking great!

Thanks, man!

Kid's always here.

I imagine he has a pretty tough time at home.

Skates like he's trying to outrun something.

I gave you a $5.

And I gave you four quarters.

Aah!

Hey, sis!

Hope your friends don't just eat

Because I'm about to shoot the duck!

Aah!

I promise I'll get better.

I'll practice night and day

if you'll just let me be part of this.

Fine. You're in. I am?!

Shakin' the bacon!

But only if you can get your sister to play, too.

She's a natural jammer. My sister?

Crisscross applesauce!

Whoa.

This is not fixing the sink, Stan.

You tore up the roof!

I needed wood to fix the sink, I thought!

I swear, if our whole house doesn't fall apart,

I-it'll be a miracle!

Maybe I can help.

Who the hell are you?

I'm a simple carpenter.

Perfect. You're hired.

Start with the roof.

Ah, the roof.

The roof protects the souls beneath

from life's buffeting storm.

Shh.

I'm seeing this... When I want to see this.

Oh. My tools.

Ugh.

Come on. I can only join if you play.

They think I look like a girl?

That's crazy.

I know. It's hard to believe.

But you're an amazing skater, and you'd get to show that off.

Yeah...

And you'd get to hang out with all those girls.

Right, sure.

Hold their hands sometimes

when they fling you forward into other girls.

Well, that is how the game works.

And sometimes there are these big pileups

where you can't tell where one girl begins

and another one ends.

And in the middle of that pileup... will be you.

You've given me a lot to consider.

I'll do it. I'll pretend I'm a girl.

Also, it might not be a lie

'cause that split just destroyed my balls.

All right, ladies, I want a good, clean match tonight,

straight derby -- no hair-pullin', no clam-diggin'.

Now, I got to go take care of that rat problem.

I-I can't believe I'm asking this,

but are you taped down there?

Yep. The beast is in the cage.

Hey, iris.

Listen, rookie, on game nights, we go by our nicknames.

I'm "luck of the iris."

"Stevie wonderbra."

I-I like it 'cause it's about tits.

"@8?47qq#"?

That's what we had left over.

Well, I'm gonna pretend you put thought into it.

Aww.

Hey, wonderbra, a little help?

I taped my leg, but it's still real tight.

Help me stretch it?

Uh, o-okay.

Come on, girl, lean into it!

Oh, yeah. Oh, that's the sweet spot!

Do you have any more of that tape?

I need to, um... re-tape.

Now, qq#!

Victory party at my place!

Good game!

Oh, oh! That's my tush!

You're one of the best players I've ever seen!

I'm Devin.

"Seven minutes in Devin."

Good luck lasting that long.

You are adorbs.

That's two on the same cheek, Dev!

I'm gonna have to explain the hand mark

to my mom at bath time.

Uh... kiddin', yo!

I shower now, solo --

just me and the baby monitor.

Here, Stevie, try the chicken.

Val raised it, humanely slaughtered it,