Mr. Hobbs Takes a Vacation

The marvel of our time, I guess, is the exploration of outer space.

Man is, for the first time, leaving the face of the Earth.

In the name of science, diplomacy and technology...

we're getting off the planet.

However, the real reason for this exploration is a simple one...

and I, Roger Hobbs of St. Louis, Missouri...

have discovered this reason.

It's too damn crowded down here!

Oh, welcome back, Mr. Hobbs.

- Thank you, Ellen. Glad to be back. - Did you have a nice vacation?

Wonderful.

Uh, I want you to take something.

This goes to Mrs. Hobbs...

not to be opened until after my death.

Is this going to be a long one or a short one?

I don't know yet.

Then I'd better get another book. I've only a few pages left in this one.

My darling Peggy...

when you read this, I-Oh.

I'm sorry, but I remembered when you were

dictating that one about Mrs. Hobbs's brother-

what you really thought of him-

it was so long, I ran right out of the book.

Uh-huh. Uh, well-

All right. Are you ready?

My darling Peggy, by the time you read this...

I'll be in an urn at Woodlawn Memorial Park Cemetery.

So let me make it clear from the very beginning...

that notwithstanding what I may say here and now...

I loved you to the end and with all my heart.

Paragraph.

With all my heart. Paragraph.

Please don't think I was hasty.

I was just like any other normal, red-blooded American gopher...

who works in a big city.

Living underground most of the time...

naturally, I liked the idea of a little fresh air.

- Paragraph? - Paragraph.

This is simply to explain to you...

why, after last month...

you never again were able to suck me in...

to another gay, happy, carefree vacation...

with the family-

may God bless and keep each and every one of them...

individually.

Paragraph.

Even now, there is no man alive...

who believes more devoutly than I do...

that the family is the rock...

upon which civilization is built.

But speaking to you now from beyond the grave...

let me say to you, frankly...

that I had rather stay on as a gopher...

than be trapped with my family...

for a whole month in the same house.

Paragraph.

I also agree heartily with all modern authorities...

that there is no more sacred obligation in life...

than a lasting communication between parents and children.

But from now on, I'm going to see if I can't manage mine by long distance...

and the longer, the better.

- Paragraph? - No paragraph.

It's not that I don't love them, you understand.

It's just that the day finally arrives when a man simply hasn't got the strength...

to handle all the jams his children get themselves into.

June 2.

Remember last June, Peggy?

I called you from the office that it was all set for a month's vacation?

Well, what I had in mind, darn it...

was a month off just for you and me.

Just a couple of old smoothies on the loose again...

communicating with nobody but each other and an occasional deck steward.

- I can't see. - Good evening.

Oh, hello. Would you mind moving over a little bit, please?

How would you like to spend next month on a real Western dude ranch?

- No, thanks. - That's what you think, buster.

Ee-yah!

Will you listen-Will you listen for just one minute, darling?

Ah, hang up, Mother. Tell 'em Father's home drunk and needs looking after.

- It's Katey, long distance. - Well, what's-Nothing wrong, is there?

Oh, you bet there is. She doesn't want to go to Emerald Bay.

It is not stupid, Katey, and I must say that it's not very bright of you...

to keep describing every place in the world that's not Paris as stupid.

Now-Now, will you listen to me for one second?

Paris? Wh-What about Paris?

Oh, she and three other girls out of her class have cooked up some crazy notion...

of gallivanting all over Europe this summer.

But how in the world are you going to pay for it, Katey?

Yeah, I'd sort of be interested in the answer to that one myself.

Oh, no, darling.

You can lend it to her, and she'll pay it back

weekly out of her allowance, with interest.

By golly, you really got to hand it to the kid for trying, don't you?

- How much interest? - Mother!

Mother. Mother! Positively weird, both of them.

You should see my mother. Absolutely weird!

I have never seen anybody as weird as my mother.

They're all... so insecure.

- That's right. - Mother? Now, really, I can't-

I'm sorry, darling, but it's out of the question, and that's all there is to it.

I have to hang up now because we have a call coming in from Susie.

- Hugs and kisses, darling. Bye now. - Mom!

Mother?

- She hung up. - How weird.

Oh, they're weird, I'll tell you.

Positively weird.

Well, what's this Emerald Bay business?

Well, the Nickersons are letting us have their beach house there for August.

- It's right on the water, just south of San

Francisco. - You mean for the children?

For all of us. It's big enough for the whole family.

- Wait a minute, honey. Just wait-wait- - Oh, I know, I know.

This is the chance of a lifetime for an old-fashioned family get-together...

and we mustn't be selfish about it.

But, honey, that wasn't the idea at all.

Do you realize that this may be the last time we'll ever be all together again?

That's what you say every time, and I admit it's a very attractive prospect.

Oh, Rog, the way you talk, people would think that you don't love your children.

Oh, I love 'em dearly, just from different distances.

For instance, I've never loved Katey as much in my life...

as I have since she enrolled at that school 900 miles away.

Has it ever occurred to you that maybe Katey needs you?

Needs me? She gets sick at her stomach every time she looks at me.

That's exactly what I mean. We're losing our

children, and do you know whose fault it is?

- Ours. - All right. Where did we fail?

Well, we haven't kept in close touch with our children.

We haven't actually shared with them in all of their problems and pleasures.

Honey, I don't know about that.

All I know is that Katey doesn't need me...

and Susie doesn't need me, and Janie doesn't need me.

Danny only needs me to pick up a copy of Playboy for him every month.

That must be Susie.

Hello? Hello, Susie!

She had to talk to Stan about it first.

- You mean you're asking them too? - Yes, I'll hold it.

Did you notice how pale those children looked in these last pictures?

Honey, everybody looks pale in snapshots, even cannibals.

The whole thing's getting out of hand, with a whole pack of babies joining in.

What do you mean, “whole pack"? She's got exactly two children.

You sure?

- Come in, Brenda. - Oh, hello, Brenda.

What did he say, darling?

Oh, he did? But that would spoil the whole idea.

Your father simply lives for those children.

And Janie's bringing Junior.

They can all play on the beach together. How's Peewee?

Oh, she is? Well, she didn't hurt herself, did she?

As Mr. Hobbs counted up his tribe...

his spirits began to rise in eager anticipation...

of that happy reunion by the sea.

Doesn't this remind you of Finland, Brenda?

- Worse. - Oh, just you wait.

You're going to love it.

Aren't you beginning to get excited too, Rog?

- Yeah, I think it's gonna be all right. - You know what we've got to do?

- What? - This month, while we're all together-

the whole family really living and playing together-

we've got to teach our children what a family really is...

that the members of a family aren't separate people like passengers on a bus...

but a single unit- one for all and all for one.

- Don't you think? - You bet.

And if we can do that, it wouldn't surprise me one bit if this trip...

brought us all closer together than we ever dreamed we could be.

You little beast!

Then keep your big foot off my television set!

It isn't on your TV!

You're scratching- - Mother, have you no control over this child?

- Danny, cut it out! - All right, break!

You know, I've been reading in a woman's magazine someplace-

I don't know.

We got one consolation.

In the whole history of the world, there's never been a child brought up right.

Oh, now, really, Mother.

Now, wait a minute, kid.

- I knew it'd be weird, but not this weird. - Take it easy now.

Let Mother speak first.

Did you ever see anything so enchanting in all your life?

I don't see any aerial.

I think people go crazy in a place like this.

I'm not gonna stay here. That's all there is to it.

You're not only going to stay, you're going to

help get some of this stuff into the house.

Now, everybody grab something, and let's get some organization into this deal.

If-If this house was good enough for Edgar Allan Poe...

it's good enough for us.

I'm sure it's better inside.

- Can we get an aerial tonight, Dad? - No!

Maybe I can make one.

Everybody stand back in case of bats.

Where's the switch? The switch?

Well, I'll be a son of a gun.

Isn't it wonderful?

Netta Nickerson says that most of the houses out this way...

haven't any conveniences at all.

I haven't seen a bulb like that since I was seven years old.

Dad, really, what are we going to do in a place like this?

But a bulb this weak, you can't even call it a light.

It's a dark.

You turn that thing on in the middle of the day, the whole room goes black.