Pee Stains and Other Disasters

Subtitles by flitze

No fuckin' way.

Come on, Ben.

No, it's not worth it.

I can totally see it: 70 years from now,

you bring your grandchildren here

and you say, "Kid, when I was your age,

I almost went down this hill."

What if a car comes?

We'd be decapitated.

Think about it: how many girls like headless guys?

We'd never get laid,

and then the chances of us even having grandchildren

would be very, very small.

- That is so you, Ben. - What?

You're always analyzing things.

"If I do this, how does it affect that?"

You're always looking so far ahead,

you never do anything now!

Wait, you were the one who told me to think about my grandchildren.

Because I was appealing to your logical mind.

Come on,

can't we do one exciting thing this summer?

Okay.

Finally.

Don't bail.

I won't.

Look, I won't. I swear to God I won't, okay?

Let's go.

That was not my fault.

I swear to God, that was not my fault.

Okay, maybe it was my fault.

Hey, Thomas, you want to help?

Not really.

That's my boy.

Here man.

Chris, stop being an asshole.

You're swearing at the dinner table.

Chris, don't be a fuckin' asshole.

Oh, real nice, dad!

To think that I'm related to you

makes me feel a little queasy inside.

Aha, I thought you were all about peace and love.

I am, but for you, I'll make an exception.

Sylvia Sobal and I are going to the new Picasso exhibit.

Didn't he sleep with tons of women?

I mean, you might as well go to a Playboy exhibit by Hugh Hefner.

I think there's a small difference between Picasso's Guernica,

and the Miss May centerfold.

Well Lou, Ben brought up an interesting point.

When do we separate the artist and their art from their actions?

Why does every conversation we have at dinner

have to be so intellectual?

Elise, we should feel free to discuss any subject,

don't you think?

I got it.

Okay, I think that's about everything.

Bill, what are you doing?

I think that's pretty evident.

Why do you always have to do this to me?

Cause I'm hungry. Cause I worked a long day,

and I want to put some food into my stomach.

Okay.

For all you cute birds that sing well,

hey God, thanks for everything. Amen.

Alright, dig in kids.

Is saying grace before dinner just

too much for you to do?

Maybe we can alternate nights.

Pray one night, and not the next.

Thomas, stay out of this.

Why won't you do it...

for me?

Because I don't believe in God, Jenny.

For me to pray is the height of hypocrisy.

What if God does exist?

Alright, if the heavens open up

and Judgement Day has arrived,

then I dare anybody to beat me to my knees to pray for forgiveness.

But until that day, which I don't believe in either,

why waste my breath thanking some mythical figure

that really has nothing to do with this dinner?

Fine, Bill!

So Cory, are you a student?

Not right now, no.

So, do you work?

Yeah, here and there.

Cory's gonna start his own business.

Starting a business isn't easy these days.

It's not a bad idea to have a good education behind you.

Bill Gates didn't finish college,

and I'd say he did pretty good for himself,

wouldn't you say, Mr. Shankle?

Sorry about my parents.

Don't worry about it.

It ain't your fault.

They were like totally grilling you.

It was embarrassing.

The way I see it,

people that age,

their lives have been a big disappointment.

They end up totally trapped.

Drive to work in some lame-ass sedan.

Sit at a desk from nine to six, or seven.

Kiss the boss's ass.

Then go home to 2.2 kids.

My parents raised two.

Which proves my point.

Your parents are only .2 off the average, boring existence.

They never had true success,

so they doubt anyone else can either.

And that's why they buy into the bullshit

that you gotta go to college to become somethin'.

I know it's the opposite.

Goin' to college only guarantees you'll be a boring,

drone-like robot that'll never amount to nothin'.

A slave.

A fuckin' failure.

I totally know what you mean.

I mean, my nightmare is that I go to college,

get married,

drive a minivan,

and bring oranges to my kid's soccer game.

And 2.2 kids.

What do I do with that partial kid?

You know, when the others are off playing soccer.

No problem,

he can be the ball.

Hold tight.

Yeah.

Hey, you wanna give it a shot?

Sure.

You guys need someone with real muscles.

You've been shootin' up the steroids again, Ben?

Somethin' like that.

Here you go.

You don't need me anymore?

No, get out of here.

Thanks Dan. Yeah.

Oh, and guys,

you want some advice on women,

from a guy with a little experience?

Let's hear it.

Whatever you do,

just don't be yourself.

We'll keep that in mind.

I was skating by Bagelicious the other day

and I saw Dana Veeter working there.

So?

So?

She's a perfect 10 man.

I know she's a perfect 10.

She was in my chemistry class last semester.

I just don't know why that's news.

I mean that's like saying Anna Kapler works at Arby's, or

Lisa Strahm works at Taco Bell.

Yeah, but the difference between Dana Veeter

and those other girls is she told Mark Elsby

she thought you were a pretty funny guy.

When?

When what?

When did she tell Mark Elsby this,

and when did he tell you?

He told me like a month ago,

and I have no idea when she told him.

Why didn't you tell me right away?

I didn't think it was a big deal.

If I knew a perfect 10 that thought you were funny,

I'd tell you right away.

I mean, that's what friends are for, don't you think?

Look at you.

You're mad a cute girl thinks you're funny.

I'm not mad about that, I'm mad you didn't tell me.

I mean, information is key

in the battle between the sexes.

So, what do you think?

Nothing special.

Nothing special?

Are you kidding?

Do you see that body?

She's perfect.

Relax Ben, I was kidding, she's hot.

So, you gonna make the move?

You saw her wave right?

Yeah.

So, what do you think?

I think she waved.

Yeah, but was that wave like a,

"Hi, whoever you are,"

or,

"Hi, you seem like a cool guy?"

What difference does it make?

It makes all the difference.

I mean, if she's not interested,

she'll laugh in my face,

but if she is,

then I take action, right?

Ben either way, it doesn't matter.

We're not kids anymore.

Women expect the dude to make the first move.