2 Minutes of Fame

Good evening, my fellow Americans.

It's me, your last semblance of a decent,

law-abiding, qualified president, Barack Obama...

here to introduce to you the trailer...

for Marques Black's new film...

Uh... Secret Service Man.

Now, although I am highly disappointed

with our current president,

I gotta say...

Marques Black's career choices of late

have disappointed me far more.

That's right, Marques.

You are single-handedly responsible for disappointing

the world's most beloved black man.

I'm just kidding! What's up with y'all, baby?

It's Deandre McDonald.

Okay, here talking shit

about Marques Black's latest piece of shit.

Okay, that's wrong of me.

See, I think it's a piece of shit.

But here, watch this shitty new trailer

and just show me and tell me how shitty you think it is.

Roll that beautiful bean footage.

I don't need more protection.

Sir, we have it on good authority that an attempt

will definitely be made on your life.

But why? What have I ever done to anybody?

Yeah.

At some point...

That's better than Tiger.

...in every man's life...

Go, go, go! Make him run, make him run.

...he gets a chance...

I already have enough blacks.

What do I need with this black?

Sir, he is the best black for the job.

...to be great.

So close.

Now, I know that being late is your people's thang...

but I can't risk losing my life

because you're on CP time. Does that make sense?

Yes, sir. My baby mama's been tripping.

Who, Shanika? She was tripping?

He's got a gun!

Marques Black is...

Did good by you, sir, didn't I?

Eh. You were just okay.

Come on, let's get the hell out of here.

...Secret Service Man.

Marques, Marques, Marques. Um...

Marques, I can only imagine

what you were thinking when you took this film.

You were probably just sitting there, just being like...

"Um, excuse me, hold on.

"Now, how can I make the most amount of money

"while selling out the most amount of people

"while being dead-ass terrible?

"How to be terrible?

"How to be terrible? How to be terrible?"

This motherfucker need to be checked.

Now, my question is

are you gonna step up to the challenge

and be who you used to be

that authentic comedian that we all fell in love with?

That's all I got to say.

This is Deandre McDonald.

And, oh, yeah, baby!

We got millions! We got millions!

So you think I should have him killed?

Motherfucker got over a million followers.

Wouldn't let that nigga stay alive like that.

Man, if you don't knock it off...

I'm just saying.

Black licorice and peanut butter-mayonnaise

probably got a million followers.

I got 30 million fans.

Relax. We can't kill everybody, man.

This tired nigga's just gotta have cake.

All right.

Yeah, this is gonna be great. Yeah.

Don't worry.

I'm too tired to make a move anyway.

Oh.

Don't look at me like that, okay?

I had to work double shifts at the hospital...

helped Jaylin with his homework,

and I studied three hours for my exam. Yup.

Oh, babe, you must be exhausted!

- Yes. - Here.

Let me rub your shoulders.

Okay, that's nice.

It is.

You know, I could get deeper if you take your shirt off.

- I bet you can. - Mmm-hmm.

I mean, not that I'm trying to get you naked...

because you know, you're exhausted

and that's the last thing that I want.

- I don't wanna do it. - Oh, you don't?

Mmm-mmm. Sex?

No! Hell no.

Girl, ew!

Girl, I'm a Christian. I don't do that.

Now hurry up and take that shirt off.

So, uh, I can rub down

your soft naked body with this oil with no ulterior motive.

Dre, this is lube.

Is it?

Oh, my God!

I'm so embarrassed! Is it the lube?

I'm sorry. But you know what?

You're crazy.

We might as well not let it go to waste.

Right? Hmm?

Babe. Babe, wake up.

What?

Babe, wake up. My last video got over 100,000 hits!

That's so good, babe.

- Don't you wanna see it? - Yeah.

I'll see it later.

Gotta get up and get Jaylin up or else we're gonna be late.

Speaking of late...

our rent is late

and very short.

How much?

- Your half. - Oh.

I'll get that to you today.

Thank you.

Because I cannot cover you again this month.

I still have to pay for my nursing exam

and my entire savings is gone.

That's because you're not as good with money as I am, baby.

Very funny.

- Love you, cutie. - Love you, too.

Mmm.

$22? Dre, you a loser, man.

What the fuck do you do with your money?

Well, let's see here.

Food, take care of our kid, and, oh, yeah...

- eat crack. - You eat crack?

That's what it is then.

Man, you can't eat crack. That shit is expensive.

Oh, our rent is expensive as shit, and it's due ASAP.

Won't even get paid till next week.

Get an advance. I do it all the time.

I will say it helps

that Zena don't hate me as much as she hates you.

Wait, wait, wait. Zena hates me?

Yeah.

Yeah, she ain't gonna hook me up with shit.

The worst she can do is say no, man.

No ain't never hurt anybody.

Hey, Zena!

Is it possible if I get a, uh...

Can I get an advance on my check?

- Maybe... - Advance?

Boy, hell no.

Your lazy ass, too long of a lunch break taking,

backwards-ass food stocking,

motherfucker who stepped on my goddamn toe last week,

and you didn't even say sorry about that shit!

You know what? I hope your mother regrets

even having your monkey ass

and anything that you put your mind to,

I hope you fail at it miserably.

Don't ask me for shit.

Move!

Clean up in aisle three.

There's a lot of hurt in her past.

I thought that went well. I really did.

Good afternoon, ma'am! How you doing?

Hey, ma'am!

Would you like some Port Salut?

Oh, no.

Oh! Wait, I'm sorry. Do it again.

I wanna get it on the camera, uh, for his reel.

- Okay, cool. - Yeah, ask her again.

Do your...

Would you like some cheese?

Cheese, cheese, cheese plate!

Crackers, we gonna make it rain crackers

like blessings from the Lord up in here!

Crackers...

I'm not talking about white people.

I'm talking about crackers!

That's what we do. Let's mess up some cheeses.

Let's mess up some cheeses, yeah.

Uh... Mmm.

No, no, no. Come here.

Cut out the comedy show

and just sell them cheese, Deandre.

The problem is,

they don't just want cheese, huh?

She don't want cheese. He don't want cheese.

I don't want cheese. We want respect.

And until I find it, I ain't gonna stop.

- Oh, Denzel Washington! - That's right.

- Hey, do something else. - No, no, no, no!

Go cover my express line.

I don't wanna cover the express line!

- Oh, Tracy Morgan! - That's right.