YOU (You)

Previously on "You"...

Your old phone, which I have,

is still logged into the cloud,

and that means I'm still logged into to you.

- I'm a poet. - Get off the stage.

Laugh it up.

Did you move here to be something?

I did, but it's not working out.

Do you think I'm unremarkable?

Unremarkable people don't worry

about being unremarkable.

- So good to see you, hon. - You too, Dad.

The addict part was true I see, but he never died.

He's here. He's alive.

Could be helpful to write about him.

Benji was the worst kind of poison.

The peanut allergy was real.

Guess Benji is gonna die an honest man.

Claudia and Ron.

I gotta come home to you bitching at...

- It's not okay to yell. - Grown-ups do it all the time.

Grown-ups are assholes.

I told this guy, "Stay away from my girlfriend's kid."

- He seems a little neglected. - That's it, I...

All right, all right, all right.

This is a lovely collection.

- That's funny. - There's a book missing.

Joe was looking at it.

I, of course, never had any intention of keeping the book.

If Peach still has a problem,

I won't let her get in the way of us, Beck.

I won't.

Good morning.

This is my favorite time of day,

when it's just the two of us.

Were you watching me sleep?

Creeper.

I love our little routine.

Always the same but never stale.

- Sex... -

- Showers, more sex. -

Breakfast, avocado salted, bacon crispy, every day.

Your father was never consistent,

and you're still healing from that, with my help.

Mmm.

Uh, do you mind if I keep working?

- I just have tons... - Eat, work.

I'll fold the laundry.

That's right, Beck, I even do your damn laundry.

I protect your time.

I let you focus on your work.

And guess what.

Now that I've made our mornings sacred,

you're actually writing.

Free of distraction.

- - Mostly.

...hear your bitching every night!

Ron and Claudia again?

If the goddamn dishes ever got done,

I wouldn't be stuck doing goddamn...

- - You watch it!

Can't you say something?

I don't like to mess with other people's lives.

Maybe you should?

Anyway, I gotta get to class.

The worst thing about our mornings?

They always end.

I pass the time by counting down

to the next moment I see you.

You're teaching me to be more patient,

and god knows I need the help when it comes to your friends.

For some reason we share our nights with your friends,

and appointment viewing like "The Bachelor."

How can self-respecting women tolerate this crap?

Sometimes, I swear, I'm the only real feminist you know.

It's either a full Brazilian, or like full bush,

and it's like,

"Listen, my snooch is the third bowl of porridge.

I mean, meet me halfway lady." It's like insane.

That's hilarious.

These girls are even more tedious in person.

Lynn is a dark cavern where conversations go to die.

- That's hilarious. - What personality she has

is only activated by low-calorie girly cocktails,

which is doubtless why she drinks so much.

Annika's decided I'm so amazing... which, true...

but joining Team Joe is just the latest move

in her cold war with queen bitch herself,

Peach goddamn Salinger.

Oh, hope you didn't start the fun without me.

Oh, we did.

Annika, thank God for that chest of yours,

otherwise you'd be spilling guac all over

that Himalayan blanket I got Beck.

So goes the endless merry-go-round of food issues.

Peach snipes at Annika's body.

Annika rubs her assets in Peach's face,

which as defense mechanisms go beats the hell out of crying.

I can get you some paper towels.

- Wait up, I need a refill. - No, no.

I got it, I'll take care of you.

No, no, it's all right, I could use the company.

Oh, this is so much more fun than girl's night classic.

You know, when it was just us girls?

Peach has it out for me.

Probably shouldn't have stolen her copy of "Oz,"

or maybe I shouldn't have returned it.

But all that's behind me, Beck.

If I just keep being the perfect boyfriend,

you'll realize that life is so much healthier

away from this toxicity.

Joseph, I was thinking about thinning out my library,

and I thought I'd ask the expert.

What's a book like this worth?

She's still trying to build a case that I'd be willing

to swipe the damn thing.

Well, it's printed by Riley in Britain.

An original, a rarity.

Mm.

Guess I better act quick, before some desperate person

tries to steal my little beauty away.

The real tragedy would be not appreciating what you have.

If I were you, I'd hold on to her forever.

But what do I know? I'm just a book store clerk.

I'm trying, Beck. I am.

But your friends bring out the worst in me.

- Scoot, scoot. - Okay.

And then Rastish taught me this.

D minor. Goose bumps, babe.

Is that a D minor?

Hi Joe!

This place is...

musty.

Hi! Hi!

Annika, what brings you to Mooney's?

Your website,

and the deep sadness it evokes.

I mean, did you do this in MySpace?

I've been telling Joe we need to modernize.

Joe, I have 3.6 million followers,

and I get 12k for a selfie in glasses.

But I'm willing to do Mooney's for free,

out of the kindness of my big-ass heart.

- All right, let's do it. - Yay!

If you need some authentic Russian folk vibes, I can, uh...

Thank you, but I got this.

Smart bitches get their brains juiced at Mooney's.

#stacked.

If you ever wonder what it takes to become an influencer,

specifically a body-positive Insta-celeb, be shameless.

Annika's turning her curves into an empire,

inspiring the ladies, arousing the gentlemen, everyone wins.

It would be genuinely empowering

if it weren't so clearly a rebellion against

being Peach's, quote, "Fat friend from prep school."

And what's this?

Thank you, Annika's private Facebook.

Hello nose job.

And just like that,

I know how to repay Annika for her kindness.

Annika, why the hell is this not on your Insta?

Oh my god, because it's mortifying.

I mean, I'm adorkable, but Peach.

Phew.

Lucky she is not on Facebook.

It is cute, though.

Do you run everything you post by Peach first?

Hell no.

You're right, screw it.

This is the ultimate throwback.

I just need a brilliant caption.

How about, "Bitches being our most authentic selves."

Joe, it's like you're in my brain.

No, I just know her audience.

Team Joe, one. Peach, zero.

You'd be proud of me, Beck. I'm a good friend.

Hi Allison, you wanted to see me?

Guinevere, please, sit.

I understand that some things are harder than others

to write about.

Our own families are usually the top of the list.

- I'm glad you stuck with it. - Thank you.

My lit agent's assistant just got promoted,

and may be able to connect you with some jobs for hire.

Personal essays, reviews.

I'm in. I am so in. Thank you, Allison.

I'll forward her contact info to you.

Okay.

And Beck, I was sorry to read about your father's passing.

Peach tried hard to get you for a girls' night,

but you picked me.

Joe, two. Peach, bupkis.

Whoa!

I think you might be a little overdressed for sushi.

No, no, you're underdressed for the celebration

I have planned.

The theme of our evening is Fitzgerald and Zelda.