The Ipcress File

Yes? Equipment and supplies, Berlin Barracks.

That's what I'm telling you.

The general would like to take his dog home

without it going into quarantine.

OK, could I just take your name, please?

Well done.

Harry!

Fresh off the plane.

Ah, ja, whiskey. US finest.

Das ist... very good.

I trust you'll check it.

Trust me, I will.

Frau Stuten.

Andreas.

Good evening, Corporal Palmer.

Harry, please.

You are in uniform. I take it off every night.

All by yourself?

If I have to. Mm.

The contraband is off-loaded?

Yes, we'll be out in ten minutes. Good. The sooner, the better.

Andreas, this is for you.

It's American chocolate, but it's far too much for one boy,

so promise me you'll share it with your friends.

I promise. Good.

And this is for you.

But don't share it with anyone.

You are too generous. Egalitarian.

What's wrong? Hide the money and get out!

Andreas, come! Quickly, it's the military police!

Everybody out!

Corporal! Get back here, stop!

Possession of stolen goods is an offence

under section four of the Military Penal Code.

Corporal Palmer...

...you are under arrest

for handling and profiteering from stolen goods.

Did you enjoy that, Sergeant?

You greedy bastard.

'Walk On Wild Side' by Brook Benton

Say auf wiedersehen, Palmer. You're going home.

Prisoner out!

About turn!

Left, left, left...

left, right, left, right, left, right!

'Four head calibration complete, professor.'

Let's take a look, shall we?

Excellent!

Now, who's coming to the pub?

Neutron bombs are the future.

I mean, let's say,

a standard deuterium-fusion device, yeah?

1.6 MeV released,

but four times that amount in neutrons.

Travel further, penetrate steel...

Bit like an Australian fast bowler.

And every bit as lethal.

Look out!

In Berlin, Debs, I had it.

I had enough to pay for everything.

Next time I got leave, I was gonna come back,

go see a lawyer, sort everything out.

And it's still there, the money.

Look, me being in here, does that count?

No, cos it's not cruelty, insanity, desertion or adultery...

Is it? Not according to the law.

Me and Pete wanna get engaged.

And you promised me a divorce, and the years are going by...

Yeah, I know that.

I've got eight of them right in front of me.

Sorry...

What are we gonna do?

So, one more time,

how many spies do you actually have on your payroll?

Spies?

Will you answer a damn question?

That depends.

Where are the headquarters of this W-O-O...

Whatever it is.

War Office Operational Communication.

Provisional? Yes.

It was only intended as a temporary solution

to secure for the Ministry of Flow of Intelligence without the delay

and obstruction experienced in dealing with MI5.

An outrageous slander.

And MI6. Since it was designated provisional,

I believe the ministry was unable to assign a code within the budget.

Enabling you and your rogue unit to hide from the Treasury...

Dalby.

That's your real name, is it?

Yes.

Insofar as anyone has a real name in my business.

To whom are you answerable?

He's answerable to me.

Minister?

And any further questions regarding Mr Dalby's budget,

feel free to put them in writing and send them to my office.

Thank you.

Now, we can't trust five and six on this.

Too many commies.

And it would not be helpful, at this point, to imagine

that one of our scientists is enhancing Soviet capability.

Not just any scientist.

No, by all accounts, Professor Dawson

is vital to the development of a new class of nuclear weapons.

This neutron bomb.

The last thing we want is the Soviets learning

to cook one of their own.

Are we calling it an abduction or defection?

Unexplained absence.

Not a word to the Americans, not until we know what's happened.

There are already too many generals and senators

fixated on our list of traitors.

Well, to be fair, this could bring an end to cooperation

on the development of atomic weapons.

Thank you for riding to my rescue.

Treasury, price of everything, value of nothing and all that.

They kept asking how many spies I've got,

as if that would mean anything.

Well, they'd be trying to calculate the pension implications.

What did you tell them?

Not many, I said, but they're all very good.

'Woo Hoo' by The Rock-A-Teens

Morning, Terry. Morning, Jane.

Typed up a summary if you want to have a look and sign.

Time inventory's wrong, it was 15:23, not 15:20.

Sweater was turquoise, not blue.

There was a central light fitting in the main room

that would have been suitable for a housing device

and one in the bedroom, I'm sure you noticed.

And she did not say, "Stone the crows."

Felt like she might.

She's a silly girl, getting herself pregnant. It takes two.

Did they not teach you that at Harrow?

Uh, Charterhouse, actually. I will not sign this.

Sir?

Professor Peter Dawson has been abducted.

Our chief suspect has been identified by his missing finger

as one Jan Pilsudzki,

age 43, born to Polish Bolshevik parents

who fled to the Soviet Union.

Played for all sides during the war,

now believed to be in the US sector of Berlin,

where he makes a living smuggling goods and persons

from one side of the wall to the other.

He also enjoys a nice sideline

in high-profile kidnappings and extortion.

Jean, I want you to put in

a standard contact application for the CIA.

It's their patch, see what they know, but be discrete.

Yes, sir.

Who's this?

Come on, you pathetic little worm, move!

Move!

Move it, move it, move it!

Now...

carry them back.

Prisoner, sit!

Cup of tea, perhaps? Wouldn't say no.

Drop of milk, no sugar, mate.

Ta very much.

Thank you, Sergeant.

So, Palmer, Harold.

Son of Arthur, a dockyard labourer, and Maude, a textile worker.

Excelled at school.

You were offered a place at Imperial College London,

where you graduate with a first-class degree in mathematics.

It's unusual, son of a docker. I know.

There ought to be some way of preventing it.

Generally, there is.

Oh, must've slipped through the net, Mr...?

1952, you were enlisted into the 1st Battalion

in the Gloucestershire Regiment. You ended up in Korea.

You were recommended for a Distinguished Conduct Medal.

Did you know that? Gallantry under fire.

It's very impressive.

You could've applied for a commission, become an officer.

Do you think so?

Perhaps not.

And so you find yourself in Berlin.

There you are surrounded, I imagine,

by folk with a poorer grip of arithmetic than yourself,

and you see an opportunity.

Military supplies may be easily stolen and sold locally

for United States dollars.

What do you want?

You're acquainted with a chap in Berlin.

You may know him by any of a dozen names.

But to avoid confusion,

let's you and I call him Housemartin.

I believe you were in business together.

For a while. And then?

Well, then I found other people to do business with.

What sort of business?

Lobsters.

I had a contact on the ground at the US Air Force base.

Pilot brought them in on ice from Marseille.

I sold them to... Housemartin.

He smuggled them to the East and sold them

to the German mistresses of the Russian generals.