Christopher Titus: Born With a Defect

Christopher Titus 2017 Born with A Defect

Hello Everyone! Yes! Hello!

Way too much! Alright! Good! Very nice! Thank you!

Ok, alright. That’s enough.

I have a show to do.

I’ve never talked about this before, I’m gonna talk about it now…

I was born with a defect, um,

I was actually born a child, and,

I don’t understand how human beings run anything.

We’re the only species born without ability or instinct.

Every other animal has it.

Dolphin, swims for its first breath.

Deer, walks in an hour.

Human child needs two adults around it for 5 years

so it doesn’t choke on a Cheerio.

If babies didn’t smile cute they would be food.

Babies are worthless, there’s nothing there.

Having a baby is like buying a laptop

that won’t turn on and shits itself.

We can’t even survive the first couple years

unless someone’s ramming a nipple in our face every two hours.

I still feel like that to this day, anyone else?

Yeah. Yes, thank you.

But,

if it’s a boy child, the nipple’s rammed in too often,

he has a problem with women later in life.

And if it’s a girl child,

the nipple’s rammed in too often,

she “experiments in college”

You know what you did.

Every other animal on the planet has fear programmed.

We invented the X-games.

Every other animal hears a combine going through the corn field,

hears that motor – hides in a hole.

A human toddler hears a combine going through a corn field,

runs in front of it and goes

“Daddy! Truck!”

Thhrrtthrrrt, “Ahhh, dammit. Gotta clean out the shoot again.”

That’s right. Joke number five

we chopped up a child in a combine.

Are you guys ready? Good.

Good. Yeah, yay! Wooo!

Every other animal on the planet

is instinctively afraid of fire.

Human beings learn about fire…

By touching fire.

That’s defective. How did we get the keys to this planet?

Now, my brother learned about fire when he was 10,

because 10-year-old boys are just pyromaniac puppies with opposable thumbs.

And we had a real cool uncle growing up.

Remember that cool uncle we all had – he was so cool when you were a kid!

And then you became an adult and realized

someone should have called child services.

“Hey, here’s a magazine. Put that under your bed

don’t tell your dad, huh?

Hey, you ever tried 120 proof Whiskey?

Don’t tell your dad, huh?

Don’t sign anything from the God Damn government.

I signed your dad’s name, don’t tell your dad, huh?”

That uncle.

When we were little, he would do like, the thumb trick.

I mean the, the thumb… not…

that’s the other uncle.

That’s, no.

He would do – the magic trick.

But as we got older in my family,

uncle started giving us criminal knowledge at barbeques.

And we were always hanging out with him and the adults weren’t there,

I guess in case they had to testify,

I don’t know why.

And one day my uncle just comes out on Fourth of July

with this giant can of bug spray and goes

“Kids, you know bug spray’s flammable?

Don’t tell your dad!”

Pulls a lighter and just goes

PHHFFFFFHHHHHH

and we were little kids, we were just like

“THAT’S THE COOLEST THING WE’VE EVER SEEN!”

And now as an adult I realize

IT’S ALSO HOW THEY TRAIN ISIS!!

But you can’t show little kids this…

so this knowledge beats around in my brothers head for three months

and then one day in the backyard,

it pops like a stupidity zit

And we had these giant concrete planters in our backyard

that my dad had…

stolen from work.

Or as dad said “It aint stealin’ if they aint usin’ ‘em!”

“Then why are we picking them up at midnight, dad?”

“Cuz they aint usin’ ‘em, dumb-ass!”

Some of these jokes dad wrote when he was alive, so…

So my brother gets this big giant can of bug napalm

and starts just filling up this planter with mist

and he’s throwing matches into it, and it was working,

it was “PHHHFHHHH”

it was like a KISS concert in the backyard.

Without the 55-year-old women flashing their boobs – oh my God.

Yeah, there’s a day for all of us to keep our shirts down.

And if you don’t know that day – ask a friend, they’ll be honest.

I have to do a little side-bar.

I actually did a show a while back, four years ago up in Northern California

for uh, Michael Anthony and Sammy Hagar, then we opened this big thing for a radio station.

It’s 15,000 seats, I go up. I’m doing jokes.

In the middle of me doing jokes,

some 450 lb., like 60-year-old woman just goes

“RAAAAAAAAAAH.”

You MAY be able to play guitar…

but it’s hard to tell jokes with puke in your mouth.

So, my brother’s setting these planters afire.

He does that for like an hour, then he gets bored,

and he’s a 10-year-old boy so he wants some more pyrotechnic knowledge,

cuz he knows one day he may be a warlock.

He snaps a branch off a tree,

makes a fuse out of it,

strips it all down, puts it in the bottom of the planter,

coats it in this horrible, toxic, cancer-causing bug juice,

fills it with mist again,

and he’s gonna light it.

But before he lights it, he wants to see what’s gonna happen,

so he takes his face,

and he puts it in the planter.

And this is why I’m pissed Youtube didn’t exist when I was a child.

Cuz this is, this is sponsorship money right here.

And he lights it, and before he can move a millimeter,

goes SHHHHOOPPPPHHHHH!

Yeah...yeah.

And when he stood up – he was tan.

Eyebrow-less.

And the center part of his hair, right here, was missing.

He looked like a 10-year-old middle-aged accountant.

With hair plugs. Just ash on top of his head.

And I come home like an hour later and he is freaking out

“OH MY GOD, LOOK WHAT I DID – DAD’S GONNA KILL ME!”

And I’m the older brother, I said “Calm down, Dad IS gonna kill you.

But why stress if you know it’s gonna happen?”

“Shut up man, you gotta help me!”

“I can’t help you – you’ve disfigured yourself.

I think we can’t like, shave the dog and made a tiny toupee, it’s gonna be stupid.

I mean, I’ll get out a Sharpie and draw on your eyebrows for you,

you’re gonna look like a pirate on chemo that’s all I’m gonna say.

ARG!”

Remember when you were a kid and you committed that household felony?

We all did it, the big one. I’m talking the big one.

You had the water fight in the house with the hose.

Drywall had to be replaced.

Threw a firecracker in the toilet “Just to see what’s gonna happen.”

Gave one of your friends antifreeze and told him it was Gatorade.

Had to watch the EMT’s drive off to get his stomach pumped

AND YOU KNEW PARENTS HAD BEEN CALLED.

And all you had to do was wait for Dad.

And I wasn’t in trouble, so it was fun. I got to observe.

And you could see the stress tumors metastasizing in my brother as it got closer.

And at 5:30 you hear the car pull in the driveway and,

I have to admit, my brother took it like a man.

He went and stood right in front of the front door just

he looked like a guy on death row in a Johnny Cash song just

“I’m gonna have to pay for what I done...”

And my father opens the door, puts his briefcase down, looks at my brother and goes

“HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!”

And my brother goes “Dad, let me tell you what happened”

“I don’t care what happened – hahhahaha –

whatever you did, you paid for it. Haha.

DON’T DO IT AGAIN GOD DAMMIT!”

We’re idiots.

As a species it’s just, we’re idiots.

And I am a father, which just, you know, was just a mistake.

And frightens people.

When I tell people I have kids, they don’t go “boys or girls?”

they go “Really?

They okay?”

“Ehhhhh,

compared to me? Uh, yeah.”

I have two kids. Uh, two marriages.

And a parade of stress polyps in my colon having a rave.

And if you’re a parent tonight, you know what a joy having children is.

And if you’re a parent tonight, you know it’s hard to say that sentence without laughing.

Every parent in this room at one point has stared

into their children’s yellow, hazy, sugar-fueled eyes and thought

“I was tricked.

I could have been something.

Next Thanksgiving I’m punching my mom in the throat."

And that’s where love comes from.

And I want to be clear – I do love my kids because I... hate jail.

And this is about the time of the show where women tend to get a little stink-face going on.

They’re like “Oh my God what’s he talking about? Kids are great.

What is he talking about? They’re amazing, they’re little Jesus tears, that’s what they are.”

No, not all. No.

They’re little Jesus hemorrhoids, that’s what they are.

Yeah. They are painful, annoying and hard to get rid of.

I just described a hemorrhoid. That’s a hemorrhoid.

Alright, let me ask you parents who actually think their kids just “rule the world,

they’re the greatest thing ever.”

When’s the last time your kid walked in the room and said

“Mom, Dad, can I help you with anything?

Mom, Dad what would YOU like for Christmas?”

Do you realize if you had a friend that borrowed $20 from you

so he could go out and buy you a shitty birthday present,

you would stab him in the face with a fork?

Yeah I want to be clear about what tonight’s show is gonna be about.

If you are a parent, tonight’s show is therapy.