Seinfeld

Remember the doorman strike?

They have a union, in the fancy buildings...

...and they went on strike.

You would think if any group of people would not wanna demonstrate...

...what life would be like without them, it would be doormen.

"Let's see how they do without us."

There's no doorman, people open the door, they walk in.

Who's gonna walk out next?

The guys that clean your windshield at the traffic light with the dirty rag?

"We demand shorter yellows and longer reds."

- May I help you? - Yeah.

I'm just going up to see Elaine Benes.

Benes. There's no one here by that name.

Oh, she's housesitting for Mr. Pitt.

- Oh, housesitting? - Yeah.

What are you, the boyfriend?

Here for a quickie?

- Can I just go up? - Oh, I get it.

Why waste time making small talk with the doorman?

I should just shut up and do my job opening the door for you.

How about those Knicks?

Oh, I see, on the sports page.

Why do you think I wasn't reading the Wall Street page?

Oh, I know. Because I'm the uneducated doorman.

So you think your parents will get back together?

I hope so. I can't take him living with me much longer.

He makes this kasha, it stinks up the whole house.

- Hey, George, stick them up. - What?

For these German tourists. Pretend that I'm robbing you.

- Why? - So these people can go back home...

...and tell their friends they saw a real New York mugging.

It'll give them a thrill.

All right, hands up, porky.

That's it. Now, give me your wallet.

You got it in here, huh, fat boy?

Is that all you got, huh? Is that all you got?

- All right, that's enough. - I'll tell you when it's enough.

All right, you better not say anything or I'll stalk you.

Where have you been? We're gonna miss the movie. Let's go.

I am not going back down there. I can't face that guy again.

- What guy? - The doorman.

I don't wanna play any more of his mind games.

- What time does he get off? - Six.

But then the night doorman comes on. He's much scarier.

Well, it's almost 6 now. Can't we just wait till he goes home?

- We'll still make the movie. - Okay, okay.

So, what did you do today, Dad?

Today I went record shopping in Greenwich Village.

I bought this record, but I can't seem to find the hi-fi.

I don't have a hi-fi.

- I gave you my old record player. - I gave it to Cosmo.

Cosmo? Who's Cosmo?

I'm Cosmo.

Well, I want it back. I want to listen to that cha-cha record.

One, two, cha-cha-cha.

All right, all right. Can we go out and eat?

Let me change my shirt.

Jerry, it's 6, let's go.

That doorman's still milling around outside.

He's very peculiar.

- No, don't- - Hello.

- Oh, hi, Mr. Pitt. - Give that to me.

Hello, Mr. Pitt. How's Scotland?

Elaine, are you having a party?

A party? Oh, no, that was just my stupid friend, Jerry.

He just left. We can go.

There's to be no entertaining while I'm gone.

Believe me, we're not entertained. We're just leaving.

- Grab those empty bottles for me. - I need to know what's in the mail.

Oh, we/, Mr. Pitt, there's rea/y nothing that can't wait.

- We're trying to catch a movie. - We/, catch the /ater show.

I need to know what's in the mail.

All right.

I can't go.

The new TIME magazine.

- The new Peop/e. - Oh, who's on the cover?

Hey, buddy.

You? What are you doing here? You work at this building too?

Oh, sure.

Poor doorman has to work two jobs...

...to put food on the table for mother and baby.

No, I live here.

That's okay, isn't it?

So you work all day as a doorman at one building...

...and then you stand outside your building?

Yeah. You got a problem with that?

Look, I'm not going in your building. I really don't have to talk to you.

Goodbye.

You really think you're better than me, don't you?

So my father opened his shirt...

- Yeah, and? - Tell him, Kramer.

He had breasts.

- What do you mean, breasts? - Big breasts.

So what? A lot of older men have that.

No, not these. These were real hooters.

I was throwing up all night.

It was like my own personal Crying Game.

You know, maybe you're gonna get them too, George.

Yeah, that's right.

What if it's a genetic thing? Like father, like son.

But your father's not bald.

No, no. That skips a generation.

The baldness gene comes from your grandfather.

Then I suppose the bosom gene comes from your grandmother?

Frank can't be too comfortable with those things clanging around.

He should wear something for support.

- You mean, like a bra? - No, a bra is for ladies.

I'm talking about a support undergarment...

...specifically designed for men.

Boy, that brain never stops working, does it?

That's right. I'm gonna go noodle with this.

Hey, we're twins.

What?!

Our shirts, they're the same.

Imagine that.

What? What did you say to the doorman?

What? Nothing.

He claims that you followed him home and started harassing him.

What, does this guy got a personal vendetta with me?

What did I do to him? Because I asked him about the Knicks?

- Hey, did you make the movie? - No.

You wanna go tonight? You can pick me up.

All right. Can we go to a later show so he's off his shift when I come by?

So now we have to rearrange our lives to avoid the doorman?

Yes, we do.

What is wrong with George?

He's trying to get something off his chest.

All right. I gotta try and talk my mother into taking him off my hands.

Help you?

What are you doing here? You're supposed to be gone.

I traded shifts with the night doorman. He had personal affairs to attend to.

My fellow doormen and I watch out for each other.

We don't stab each other in the back like people in your world.

Look, I don't want any trouble.

I don't have a doorman in my building. I guess I'm not used to talking to them.

- I'd really just like to be friends. - You wanna be friends?

I'd like to be.

- Then watch the door for a minute. - What?

I just want to get a beer. Be back in a minute.

- Wait a second. What do I do? - It's not brain surgery.

Open the door for people. If they don't live here, don't let them in.

Here.

Wear this.

Hey, hey, wait a second.

Hey! Hello!

- Wait a second, you live here? - Of course I live here.

I've lived here for 20 years. Now, if you don't let me in...

...I'm going to call the police and have you arrested.

All right. All right.

You think you're better than me?

- You gotta sign for it. - Oh, right, right.

Hey, how about those Knicks, huh?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Hey, I brought back your record player.

Oh, thank you, Kramer. Put it over there.

Oh, boy. Yeah.

- So how you feeling? - A little tired.

- Does your back hurt? - How did you know?

Well, it's obvious. You're carrying a lot of extra baggage up there.

- Up here? - Oh, yeah, top floor.

Listen, Frank...

...you ever considered wearing something for support?

Now, look at this. Mind you, this is just a prototype.

- You want me to wear a bra? - No, no.

A bra is for ladies. Meet the Bro.

So is your father excited about coming home?

George.

Hey, Mom, what kind of woman was Grandma?

All of a sudden you're interested in your grandmother?

Well, you know, you get to a certain point...

...you want to know about your roots.

- Well, she was a lovely woman. - Yeah.

- What about physically? - Physically?

- You know, what did she look like? - Well, you've seen pictures.

Well, you can't tell much from those pictures.

Tell what?

Was she...?

- Was she a big woman? - Big? No.

She was my height.

- Bosomy? - Bosomy?

You want to know if your grandmother was bosomy?

I was just wondering. The information could be relevant.

Where do you get your genes from?

That's what I'd like to know.

- I can't believe you left your post. - He left me there.

You see the mind games?

Hey, what's going on here?

Somebody stole the couch out of the lobby.

Where's the doorman?