Dave Chappelle: Sticks & Stones

And this is the bar of the whole song. Prince say...

Good people of Atlanta,

we must never forget...

that Anthony Bourdain...

Yeah!

...killed himself.

Anthony Bourdain had the greatest job that show business ever produced.

This nigga flew around the world...

...and ate delicious meals with outstanding people.

That man with that job

hung himself in a luxury suite in France.

I knew a nigga in high school that was an urban genius.

This motherfucker's grades was so good,

he got all the way from the hood to an Ivy League school

with a full scholarship.

From there, the motherfucker got himself

into one of the best law schools in the country.

And when he was in law school,

he met a woman and they fell in love.

And they were gonna get married.

I remember him telling me about it. He was home for Christmas,

and I told him, I said, "My man, my man...

save that bitch for late in your life."

But he's in love.

He didn't listen to me.

He married her while he was in law school,

and sadly, they got divorced,

while he was in law school.

He was a street nigga from the hood.

This man had nothing...

and that bitch took half of that.

And then, I just never saw him again for years,

and then, two years ago, I was home in DC doing some shoppin',

tryin' to buy my sons some socks at Foot Locker.

I go to Foot Locker. Guess who's the manager?

That nigga.

Dressed like a referee, the whole shit.

This motherfucker is 45 years old!

We went out drinking that night just tryin' to catch up, and...

and he told me.

He said he's been living with his mother for, like, ten years,

just trying to get back on his feet.

But that's not the point of the story. The point of the story is...

never occurred to this nigga to kill himself.

He's alive and well in D.C.

I even suggested to him that he should try it out.

Like, "I don't know, maybe..."

Nobody's life is perfect.

No matter what it looks like from the outside,

you don't know what the fuck's going on inside.

I have a great life,

but it's not a perfect life, but it's good. It's...

My shit's like an above ground pool. You ever seen one of them?

It's a pool.

So, in that spirit, tonight I thought I'd start my show a little differently.

Tonight I'm gonna do something

that I'm not particularly good at but that I like to do.

Tonight I'm gonna try some impressions out.

I only got two.

Aight, the first impression's kind of dumb, but I like it.

This... This is my impression, you ready?

This is my impression...

of the Founding Fathers of America...

when the Constitution was being written.

You ready?

Here it goes.

Hurry up and finish that Constitution, nigger.

I'm trying to get some sleep.

It's not bad, right?

All right, the next one...

The next one's a little harder.

I want to see if you can guess who it is I'm doing an impression of.

All right? Let me get into character. You gotta guess who it is, though.

Okay, here it goes.

Uh, duh.

Hey! Durr!

If you do anything wrong in your life, duh, and I find out about it,

I'm gonna try to take everything away from you,

and I don't care when I find out.

Could be today, tomorrow, 15, 20 years from now.

If I find out, you're fucking-duh-finished.

- Trump. - Who... Who's that?

- Trump - Trump.

That's you!

That's what the audience sounds like to me.

That's why I don't be coming out doing comedy all the time,

'cause y'all niggas is the worst motherfuckers

I've ever tried to entertain

in my fucking life.

Ugh.

I'm goddamn sick of it.

This is the worst time ever to be a celebrity.

You're gonna be finished. Everyone's doomed.

Michael Jackson has been dead for ten years

and this nigga has two new cases.

And if you haven't watched that documentary...

uh, then I'm begging you,

don't watch it.

It's fucking gross.

I felt like HBO was sticking baby dicks in my ears

for four hours straight.

Really nasty shit.

I don't want to know all these things.

Turns out, uh, Michael Jackson allegedly likes a long gander at the anus.

They said he stares at people's buttholes. That's what they said.

That's how gross the documentary was.

I'm gonna say something that I'm not allowed to say.

But I gotta be real. Uh...

I don't believe these motherfuckers.

I do not believe them.

But...

let me qualify the statement.

I... I am what's known on the streets as a victim blamer.

You know what I mean? If somebody come up to me like, "Dave, Dave,

Chris Brown just beat up Rihanna."

I'll be like, "Well, what did she do?"

"Dave, Michael Jackson was molesting children."

"Well, what were those kids wearing at the time?"

I don't think he did it.

But you know what? Even if he did do it...

You know what I mean?

You know what I mean?

Eh...

I mean, it's Michael Jackson.

I know more than half the people in this room

have been molested in their lives.

But it wasn't no goddamn Michael Jackson, was it?

This kid got his dick sucked by the King of Pop.

All we get is awkward Thanksgivings for the rest of our lives.

You know how good it must've felt to go to school the next day after that shit?

"Hey, Billy, how was the weekend?"

"How was my weekend?

Michael Jackson sucked my dick!

And that was my first sexual experience.

If I'm starting here, then sky's the limit!"

I know it seems harsh, but, man, somebody's gotta teach these kids.

There's no such thing as a free trip to Hawaii.

He's gonna want to look at your butthole or something.

You know why I don't believe it? You know why I don't believe it?

Because if Michael Jackson's out here doing all this molesting,

then... then why not Macaulay Culkin? Hmm?

Macaulay Culkin stated in an interview

that Michael Jackson never did anything inappropriate with him

or even around him.

Think about that shit.

You know...

I'm not a pedophile.

But if I was...

Macaulay Culkin's the first kid I'm fucking, I'll tell you that right now.

I'd be a goddamn hero.

"Hey, that guy over there fucked the kid from Home Alone.

And you know how hard he is to catch."

Oh!

R. Kelly!

Well, okay. R. Kelly is different.

I mean, you know, if I'm a bettin' man,

I'm gonna put my money on "He probably did that shit."

I'm pretty sure he did that shit.

You know, it was bad, okay, so a couple years ago,

I was doing a show in Detroit.

And I'm sitting backstage in my dressing room

and a friend of mine comes by, this chick, Dream Hampton.

Dream, uh, tells me, right before I'm going on stage,

she goes, "Dave, I'm working on a documentary about R. Kelly.

"Would you like to be in it?"

And I was like, "Nah, bitch, I'm cool."

I went onstage, I just forgot about the shit,

and then two years later,

the documentary comes out, Surviving R. Kelly.

And when it comes out,

Dream's promotin' shit and she keeps bringing me up.

She said, "I asked Dave Chappelle to be in my documentary,

and he said it was too hot for TV."

Bitch, I did not say that.

That does not even sound like how I talk.

"Oh, that's too hot for TV." I would never say that shit.

But I'm gonna tell you guys why I wasn't in the documentary.

It's a very simple reason,

and, uh, I cannot stress this point enough.

The only reason that I didn't do it

was because, and this is very important...

I don't know this nigga at all!

I don't know anything!

I don't know anything that they don't tell me about.

I don't hang out with this nigga. Nothing.

So what the fuck do I got to be in the documentary for?

This guy, R. Kelly, got another sex tape out now.

Can you believe that shit? This guy makes more sex tapes

than he does music.

He's like the DJ Khaled of sex tapes.

"Another one."

Like, damn, nigga!

That's a lot of tapes.

The new one's so bad that they didn't even show it.

I've never seen anything like this.

The prosecutor in Chicago came out in a press conference

and read to the media a transcript of a sex tape.

Have you ever heard of such a thing? This nigga read the sex tape.

And it was so bad that R. Kelly sounded guilty in the transcripts.

It's fucking amazing.