Kyle Kinane: Whiskey Icarus

- Whoo! - I'm Kyle Kinane.

Kyle Christian Kinane.

Yeah, these are my jokes.

They're not real funny on a paper.

Get me pretty.

I just feel like a little princess.

Send them back.

This is Kyle. He's gonna tell jokes.

**

How's it going, San Francisco?

Yeah.

Man.

Thank you for coming.

San Francisco... one city where you can ask,

"Are we in a dog-friendly lesbian bar

or a lesbian-friendly dog bar?"

Doesn't matter, it's San Francisco.

Have a good time.

I know you got a lot of choices

of what to do with your free time.

Thanks for coming to see Uncle Barbecue

tell us dum-dum stories for a little while.

He's gonna spin a couple yarns

and we'll all get on to our fun, carefree lifestyles.

I think a lot of comedy comes from shared experiences,

things that we can relate to.

Keeping that in mind,

anybody else in here get so drunk last month

you had to call a cab just to take you to Wendy's?

- Yes! - Just a couple? All right.

Maybe a couple? Right there.

Yeah.

Get to that special point in your mid-30s

where you realize that drinking responsibly

and crying for help

just kind of turned into the same thing.

A real successful Saturday night home alone,

"I want those spicy nuggets!

"You're too drunk to drive.

"Well call a cab, 'cause you deserve 'em.

I'm doing the right thing. How come it still feels sad?"

That's what I did.

I called a cab, and another grown man

drove to my house, for money,

because that was his job.

And he got to my house and I jumped in his cab,

and I said this.

Don't do what I did when you get a cab.

I just jumped in and I just said,

"We're going on an adventure!"

That's just $80 on the meter right away.

They don't want to be a tour guide.

That's 80 bucks.

That's the Peter Pan tax, is what that is.

That's the same amount of money if I were to just jump in

and be like, "Take me to Neverland!"

"80 bucks. You smell like you're probably gonna barf in here,

"so we're starting at 80.

Doesn't matter where you're going."

And so we drove to the Wendy's

and I made him take me through the drive-thru

because I did not trust him not to leave me there.

It was fair. He was suspicious of me.

I was suspicious of him.

It was fair play.

But this is where I got in trouble, see,

is 'cause he was driving a van cab,

which means I had to open the whole side door

to place my order.

I was like, "Well there's no way in hell

I'm not gonna fall on my ass doing this."

So I had one hand wrapped up in the seatbelt.

I was just kind of hanging out the side

like a helicopter machine gunner.

I was just kind of hanging out.

I realized like, "This is how they do

"the high-speed ransom exchanges

"in the action movies I love so much.

I'm gonna Bruce Willis the shit out of this."

So I wasn't even at the window, I was just hanging out.

I was like, "You throw me the nuggets,

I'll throw you the cash!"

And the lady working there,

she threw me the little bag.

She's gotta cut loose.

She's working late at a Wendy's,

Have some fun with your life.

Have some fun with it.

So I got the stuff,

I'm yelling at the getaway driver...

At this point, it's the "getaway driver."

It's like, "I got the package, step on it!

Go!"

But he's not in it.

He's like, "I cannot go if the door is open.

"I cannot drive if the door is open.

"It is ille... It's an illegal thing

for me to do with the door open."

I'm like, "But we're doing a whole thing right now.

Where's your imagination?"

But somebody clearly had not taken improv classes

in college like some other of us have.

"You are not 'Yes And'-ing right now."

"This other Frosty was gonna be for you, yeah.

But you blew it, yeah."

Spent $114.00.

Two Frostys and a dozen nuggets...

'cause I'm an American hero.

Right now, they're losing their shit

'cause I spilled on my shirt, and there's somebody like,

"It's not gonna match! It's not gonna match!

"What do we do? It's not gonna match.

Why didn't you buy two shirts, Kyle?"

I barely need this one.

"You got something that will make me

look like a sassy janitor?"

That's my... my fashion sense

is just the wise, high school janitor.

"I think I know a thing or two about love, young man.

"Come sit in the closet with me. I'll tell you all about it.

Fuck it, we're going for it.

I shouldn't even be alive.

I know, you look at my life on paper,

you're like, "This is an obituary.

This guy's..."

Like, "You should cherish life. Every day as a gift!"

Yeah, keep the receipt on some of those.

I'm gonna return some of those for store credit.

I don't... like, at least three times a week,

I will microwave food, grab it with my hands,

think," This is burning my flesh!"

And then immediately think,

"Well, then quick, put it in your mouth!"

That's not a blueprint for survival.

That's not how you stick around.

I just eat... I eat garbage.

I eat the same way Doc Brown fuels the DeLorean

at the end of Back to the Future.

"Did somebody hit a trash can with a time machine?"

"What? I'm making lunch. What are you talking about?

"What?

"Vitamins?

Where we're going, we don't need vitamins."

I'll eat, like, a big bowl of pho

and follow it up with sugar-free Red Bull

'cause I don't care about myself.

For those of you...

If you don't know what pho is,

it's a Vietnamese soup that answers the question,

"What happens when a former child soldier

pours hot rainwater over fish nightmares?"

It's delicious and I can't stop eating it.

That's what happens. That's what happens.

And for those of you that know what it is,

you think I'm saying it wrong.

It's spelled P-H-O and people are like,

"It's pronounced 'fuh,'" and they get all upset.

"It's pronounced 'fuh.'"

I don't care.

I'm already eating it. What more do you want from me?

I'm guaranteeing there's nobody

in Saigon right now going,

"It's pronounced "meatball sandwich,'

don't be culturally insensitive."

So I'm going to continue to support the Vietnamese community

by eating pho all the time

instead of just correcting people's pronunciation of it.

You think about that when you crash

your fixed-gear bicycle on the way home.

"It's a fixed-gear. You can't stop pedaling."

Sounds broken to me, dumb-ass.

I rally against hipsters. I shouldn't.

If... If you're a hip... That's fine.

Be a hipster. It's okay.

You're 22. You're supposed to be an asshole.

Just don't get so embedded in it

that you become, like, hipster Serpico.

That you don't know...

Then all of a sudden, you're 26,

you got, like, a Golden Girls neck tattoo

and you're on a unicycle.

And somebody's like, "What do you really like?"

You're like, "I don't even know anymore!"

You know, don't...

Don't become so entrenched

that you forgot that you're a human being in 2012.

None of that's gonna go on the special.

I just got pissed

because people were making fun of how I said "pho."

I've learned that optimism and stupidity

are two sides of the same coin.

I learned that one trying to change my pants

without taking my shoes off.

Too many mornings go like that.

"Just make the ballerina toes, Kyle.

"Make the ballerina toes.

"You got... you're gonna shave a good 30 seconds off

"your getting-ready time.

Make the ballerina toes."

Didn't work. Cramped up.