Undateable

Babe?

Are you ever coming to bed?

Baby, I got to stretch, okay?

What we're gonna attempt to do is a high level of difficulty.

Are we doing that thing?

No, no, no. We're doing the other thing.

Just talking to Nicki. She said to say hi.

Oh, yeah. I was just thinking about Nicki.

Come on. Let's go to bed.

You know, moving back home has been tough on her.

Oh, oh god.

I am so sorry.

Yeah, man. That really sucks.

You know what, baby?

We should go dedicate our lovemaking session to Nicki.

She'd want it that way.

Come on.

You know, it's just, when we talk on the phone,

she gets real sad.

All I can do is tell her I love her.

Mm.

I am gonna put my sweatpants on,

and then the three of us can hang out.

Oh, my God.

Yeah! Let's hang out, the three of us.

It'll be so awesome. Go put those sweatpants on.

I can't wait for you to put those on.

Come on, man!

You're killing me.

And now she's gonna put on sweatpants?

Dude, do you know what sweatpants are like to women?

That's like vaginal Ambien.

Puts it right to sleep.

Me-me-me-me-me.

Me-me-me-me-me.

Why does her vagina snore like one of the Three Stooges?

All right. Look, man.

I know you're a sensitive guy,

but when your high level of estrogen

combines with her level of estrogen,

that creates a barrier that no man can get through...

Not even Vin Diesel.

"Hey, you know what?

"Uh, I can't through this high level of estrogen.

It's such a big barrier."

First off, that's Rocky.

Second off...

When it comes to matters of the heart,

I'm all about emotions, okay?

I love hard. I yearn hard.

I feel hard.

Well, then, I got a question for you.

Don't say it.

Do you feel hard right now?

Ah, that's great.

- Never mess with a sensitive guy. - Mm-hmm.

Okay? 'Cause we'll hit you where it hurts.

So, are you gonna hang out, Justin?

Oh, that sounds so much fun,

but, uh, actually, I'm gonna let you two kids

get some private time, okay?

Enjoy your night.

You know what's silly that I was just thinking about?

I was just thinking about the fact that you two, uh,

have been dating exactly as long as Nicki and I were

when I told her that I loved her for the first time.

Isn't that funny?

I love your sweatpants.

Ah. Fantastic.

Me-me-me-me-me-me-me-me.

All right, now. Here we go. Come on.

Okay. We are going.

"Undateable"... it's exactly like "Toy Story."

Except it's not animated and there are no toys.

You know what? Can I actually talk to you after this?

You know Steve, the gay electrician?

We're watching Brett eye-bang him.

All right. Where's your fuse box?

It's by the back door.

Hey, man, you should have taken a run at Steve, you know?

I mean, he's right in your wheelhouse, right?

He's a guy. He's gay.

I feel like that checks all the boxes.

I'm not going to ask Steve out, Danny.

Brett only came out three months ago.

Point is, he's not ready to ask anybody out yet.

Come on, come on.

It's not like I'm a virgin, okay?

It's just with guys.

I've had a lot of sex with a lot of ladies.

That's not fair.

It's like a vegetarian eating my steak.

When you slept with that girl I was dating in college,

if you were living a lie, why would you even bother?

Because she had a flattop and a really low voice.

So when the lights were low, I could make it work.

Who were you dating... a Navy S.E.A.L.?

No. I was a freshman, Danny.

I just needed a girl to tell me what to do.

"Hey, Justin. Give me your hand.

"Put it right there.

Now make small circles and shut up!"

Nicki, I miss you, too, okay?

But these phone calls just make you sad.

Look, I have a crazy idea.

I just need to know... are you... are you alone?

Okay. Good. All right.

Okay. Good.

Well, then, uh, what are you wearing right now?

Just a t-shirt. Okay. Interesting.

'Cause in that scenario...

I am going to be an erotic masseur.

Would you rather be a...

a tennis star who needs a post-match rubdown or...

Oh. Got to go.

Uh, look, we got to help our friend Brett,

but before that,

is this a "choose your own adventure" phone-sex script?

All right, baby bird, uh, on the list of things

that you are very, very, very, very, very bad at,

we have to put "phone sex"

right below "not looking like Matthew broderick."

So, what I thought is, we could invite Steve back here

to fix something else and make Brett ask him out.

No, no. That's a horrible idea.

Also, have you seen Steve?

I mean, he's the kind of guy at the gym

who just doesn't wear a towel in the steam room...

like puts his hands on his hip,

and just lets his business swing back and forth

like, "hey, try not to get hypnotized," you know?

Where do you work out?

That's not the point.

The point is, if he gets turned down,

he's gonna crawl back into his shell for God knows how long.

- I hear you. - Well...

What? Hey.

Brett. Justin and I think that you should ask Steve out,

so I called him and told him to come here.

- He's coming tonight. - What have you done?

I cannot ask Steve out because Steve is an electrician

and I am a bartender,

and those are very manly jobs,

so who's gonna wear the pants in that relationship?

Hopefully nobody.

Why do you always think you get to decide what's right for all of my friends?

Is it just arrogance?

Uh, well, that depends.

Is it arrogance if you just happen

to know everything about everything?

Well, you don't need to worry about me,

'cause I make my own decisions, so... - Oh, please.

You're so far up Danny's butt,

sometimes all I can see are your high-tops sticking out.

Cool, though.

Danny picked them out.

- Right? Yep. Okay. - Shoe off the table.

And, Shell, I don't blame you

for falling under his spell, okay?

You're the most easily influenced person I know.

- No, I'm not. - I think you are.

You might be right.

Look, this is a sensitive time for Brett.

- We've been best friends since we were 18. - You know what?

I think I know him pretty well, too.

Oh, really? What's his last name?

Favre.

You think his name is Brett Favre?

Okay. Well, that's the football player.

I realized when I said it. I don't follow football.

Anyway, look.

Brett just needs a push.

He hates to be pushed.

He fired his trainer for making him exercise.

Oh, I get that.

My motto is "no pain...

Let's get high and eat pizza."

Look, if anybody knows what's best for Brett, it's me.

Um, actually, I think Danny's right.

I think it's time I asked someone out.

Steve will be mine.

Yeah. When it comes to life advice,

you come to Danny Burton.

Not Justin, uh... Justin...

You don't know my last name?

I don't know. I-I saw it on a bill earlier today.

Hold on. I want to say Justin...

Department of Water and Power?

I don't know.

What's up?

Um...

Not exactly sure how to start this convo.

Uh...

"Danny said you need help with phone sex"?

Of course he did.

'Cause Danny knows what's best for everybody.

Okay. Sorry. We'll leave. Mm.

Stop. Wait.

I don't know what to say.

It's not about what you say.