Two 4 One

So where am I going?

Ah, king size.

Your problem is you've only got five inches.

Uh-huh.

Which is actually not a problem.

It just means

that your mattress is not considered defective

as per the manufacturer's warranty.

Well, when does it become a problem?

When you've got, uh, eight to ten inches.

Oh.

Yeah, you know, four or five is considered normal.

It's a little disappointing, I guess,

but it's normal.

Well, what do I do? It's too mushy.

Well, um...

do you mind if I say something a little personal?

No.

I think if you stick to the middle of the bed,

you'll find it's a lot more firm.

How do you know where I sleep?

Trade secret.

Ladies tend to cling to the edge,

whereas gentlemen prefer to lie in the middle.

What other secrets do you know?

I know that, uh, your sag is pretty significant

on this side.

But, uh...

as I said, if you just stick to the middle,

you'll find things are...

a lot firmer.

We're just moving a little fast.

There's something that I...

No. Mm-mm.

No, there's something that I need to tell you.

Can't it wait?

No, it really can't wait.

I don't care if you're married.

Oh, God, no, I'm not married.

Then shut up and fuck me, Mr. Ten Inches.

Oh... Whoa!

Okay...

Listen...

Hey, buddy, you live here?

You know Melanie? I think she's in 103?

Nope, no Melanie here.

Yeah, hi, hello.

Um, my name is Adam Bachman.

We've actually spoken before.

But, um...

I'm just, I'm ready now, so, uh...

Yeah, I would like to schedule an initial consultation, please.

Yes?

Oh, thank God you answered!

Adam?

It... It's Miriam.

How did you get this number?

Adam, I need you to come over.

I wouldn't ask you if this wasn't important, okay?

This is a matter of life

or death.

Whose life?

Adam...

"always," right?

You said, "I'll always be there for you."

You're unbelievable.

That was, uh, before you...

What does commitment mean to you, Adam?

Commitment?

What part of non-monogamy involves commitment?

Polyamory.

Okay, whatever.

Can you come over?

I have nobody else.

Thank God you're here.

Thank you, thank you, Adam.

Thank you so much.

Hey, thanks for dressing up.

Oh, God.

I am so fucked right now.

Oh...

I'm running out of time, and...

and I don't know what to do.

What's the emergency?

Come on.

Don't make me drink alone.

Just get to the fucking point, Miriam.

Okay.

You're pregnant?

No, I wish.

I'm... I'm ovulating.

Oh, ovulating.

Yeah, but I'm trying to...

But Adam, you're the only one I trust, right?

And you said that I could call you

no matter what.

No, okay, what about your wife?

Yeah, we didn't end up, um, getting married in the end.

But look.

Okay, this arrived today,

and I've been planning for months,

and then suddenly it's here, and I'm freaking out, so...

Wait, when did you guys break up?

We didn't.

What, so you're just going to be, like, what,

non-monogamous friggin' parents?

Polyamorous, Adam.

Okay, it says "Use this within 24 hours,

but I think it should be faster,

like, in the first couple of hours.

And this whole kit cost 800 bucks,

and if I don't use it today,

then this stuff is pretty much garbage,

and so I have to use it today, so I'm kind of fucked right now,

you know, I'm fucked!

Did you get this online?

It's from the Donor Home Delivery system.

Like "Donor", like souvlaki?

No, no.

No, like sperm, come on.

Okay, wait,

so you're still with Julia?

Correct.

Well, then, why isn't she here helping you?

Because she left for a cruise this morning, Adam.

Without you?

She went with her mom.

Two weeks.

But she knows what you're up to, right?

Yeah... ish.

"Ish"?

Well, I'm working up to it.

Working up to what?

To telling her.

She doesn't exactly like kids.

I mean, she finds them chaotic and messy

and monosyllabic.

But they're not, right?

They're so adorable,

their little cute little bums and those little toes

and these adorable...

Miriam!

You... can't have a baby.

Adam...

this is intense for me, okay?

I mean, that biological clock, that's real,

and I thought it was some sort of patriarchal plot,

but it's not.

I just...

I need a new life, Adam.

You can't fix your fucked-up life

by having a baby.

Okay, just stay there.

Just make some lunch or something,

and I'm going to go into the bedroom

and just do this, okay?

I just need moral support.

No, you need morals.

Hey!

Wow, that has some torque to it, hey?

Thought it was too small.

Yeah, well, size doesn't matter.

Oop!

No, no, no.

No, no, no.

No! Ah, it's too much!

Oh, oops!

Oh, you're so lucky there's nothing left in this.

This looks cute.

You look cute.

Very handsome.

You seeing anybody these days?

I'm not having that conversation with you.

Nobody since me?

Wow.

That's two years, Adam.

That's a long time.

Jesus, Miriam.

You know, you picked a hell of way to reconnect.

You know, you shouldn't leave candles unattended.

Can you help me?

Can you get the stuff in there?

Please?

Thank you.

So I guess I'll... go make that sandwich.

Um...

Customer Service had some advice

on how to increase my chances.

All right.

Are you warmed up yet?

No wait, wait.

I'm having too much fun.

Hold on.

Who's first?

Two years.

You were not built for celibacy, cowboy.

I'm, uh, not about quantity.

All right.

I guess it's like riding a bike.

Nice.