Two and a Half Men

So, Marty, uh, what are we celebrating?

My prostate exam.

Doctor gave me a thumbs up.

At least it felt like a thumb.

Well, I'm glad to hear you're in good health.

Yes, he said I could live another ten years

if I give up alcohol.

Yeah, but you're drinking Scotch.

He had a finger up my keister.

What, am I gonna argue?

It's true; he never complains when I put my...

What is that, the horrifying conversation alarm?

I was hoping it was a truck about to back over me.

It's time for my pills.

Evy, I think I left them in the car.

Would you get them? Of course, dear.

I think the keys are in my pocket.

You may have to root around for them.

Really nice try.

I-I got to remember that.

That's a good one.

You actually have to own something to have keys.

Okay, let me tell you why I'm really here.

You know I have been dating your mother for some time now.

Uh, actually, she's not my mom.

Yeah, or mine.

Well, you boys are a couple and she's your daughter,

so we're like family.

Oh.

No, we're-we're not married.

Oh, but someday.

No, no, we-we don't want to get married.

So why did you guys fight so hard for it?

Yeah, come on, Walden.

You're here, you're queer, get used to it.

As I was saying,

your mother is a beautiful, warm, compassionate woman.

Everyone's entitled to their opinion.

I would like to ask for her hand in marriage.

Aw. Wow. What?

So, what do you say?

Can I make an honest woman out of your mother?

I doubt it.

But you have my blessing.

Mine, too. Congratulations.

Uh, wait, not-not so fast.

I have a question first.

Would you allow her son to come and live with you

if his current living quarters were to, say,

suddenly become a sauna?

Any son of Evelyn's

always has a place in my home.

Welcome to the family, Dad.

Here are your pills, dear.

Look at that, a hot chick carrying a bag of drugs.

It's like 1970 all over again.

Let's start with the muscle relaxers.

One for you, two for me.

Wow. What are all those for?

It's a combination.

Hardeners and softeners.

I-I have to take these or...

Marty, are you okay? Quick, quick.

P-Press the medic alert.

What is this?

This is a ring.

I've fallen for you, and I can't get up.

What are you saying?

Will you marry me?

I can't believe this.

You are so romantic.

Will I have to sign a prenup?

Of course not.

Then yes,

And I want your son to be my best man.

Oh, my God, really?

Not you; pretty boy over there.

Oh.

In my heart, I knew.

Okay, but at the ceremony,

I'm not gonna root around in your pocket for the ring.

And, Jennifer, you'll be my maid of honor?

Of course. It's like I'm not even here.

Sweet. I love straight weddings.

A bunch of drunk bridesmaids crying

because they don't have a man.

It's like eating fish in a barrel.

So, where are we gonna have the ceremony?

Why don't we just have it here at our place?

Uh, maybe we should discuss this

before we offer up our place.

Do what I do; just go along with it,

and later, take it out on him in the bedroom.

== sync, corrected by elderman == @elder_man

Oh, Berta, uh,

can I try something out on you?

There isn't enough alcohol in the world.

No, I'm writing a toast for my mother's wedding.

Uh, so far I've got, uh,

"Ladies and gentlemen, I am so pleased

"to welcome Marty Pepper to our family.

"Uh, to know Marty is to love him.

"He's a kind, sweet and generous man,

"which proves once and for all

that opposites really do attract."

So, you're telling everyone you're a son of a bitch.

I like it.

Hey, Alan, I need your help

planning this geriatric bachelor party.

I started reaching out to the guys

on Marty's invite list,

and so far I got dead, dead, coma, Florida.

Hey, uh, where you thinking about having this thing anyway?

Well, at this point, either Boca

or the Hollywood Forever Cemetery.

How about a strip club?

I know a place with a great all-you-can-eat buffet.

Two things you never want to hear together.

- Mm-hmm. - "Strip club" and "all-you-can-eat""

Besides, Marty doesn't want strippers.

You can't have a bachelor party without strippers.

But more importantly,

we can't let the last naked woman this man sees

be my mother.

My granddaughters do a great two-for-one show.

I can get you a family discount.

No, no.

We... No strippers.

We're just doing a nice steak dinner.

Well, if there's not gonna be any strippers,

then I'm not going.

Actually, you're not on the list.

Okay, okay, one more time.

I want a nice filet, medium-rare,

and then you give it a nice sear,

and then you put it in the food processor,

and you give it a pump

three times on chop-- boom, boom, boom--

and two times on dice-- boom, boom.

Thank you.

Oh, uh,

is, uh, this the party

or the bathroom?

Here. Over here, Tim.

Oh. Yeah.

Thank you.

What's with the glasses?

You look like Bono.

I was fortunate enough to work with Bono.

Yeah, and, uh, at the time, he was married to Cher.

I just got back from the eye doctor.

Boy, he robbed me blind.

can only read the top line of the eye chart.

It says P.

Then I have to.

I-I'd like to, uh, to propose a toast.

Uh, first to Walden

for putting all this together at the last minute.

Well, it was tough, but I managed to get a table

at 3:00 p.m. on a Thursday.

To Walden and his wife Alan.

That is one ugly woman.

Uh-huh.

Um, my, uh,

my mother and I have had our ups and downs,

but I love her, and I want her to be happy.

And you, Marty Pepper,

make her happy, which means

I love you.

I thought we said no broads.

I had a gay friend who was arrested for sodomy,

and he had the charge reduced to following too closely.

Uh, anyway,

um, I want to wish you both the best. Cheers.

Tim needs a drink.

No, no, no, no, uh, I'm driving.

Marty, last time I saw you,

we were in a threesome with that cute little redhead.

What ever happened to her?

I'm marrying her.

Nice girl.

Hard worker.

Well, I'd like to say on behalf of all of us, getting married?

What the hell are you doing, Marty?

Why do you need seven wives?

You can barely get through nine holes of golf!

She's a sweet kid, and I need a little warmth

and comfort at the end of the day.

Have you ever considered a nice piece of toast?

Uh, well, I would like to say something.

Uh... I might be in the minority here,

but I still believe in love,

and it's inspiring to know

that even at your age, you can still find it.

Now we have two broads.

The kid is right.

Nothing is more important than love,

except a good opening weekend.

And salt.

Damn it, I really miss salt.