Asteroid City

Tonight's program takes US backstage

to witness firsthand the creation, start to finish,

of a new play mounted on the American stage.

Asteroid city does not exist.

It is an imaginary drama

created expressly for this broadcast.

The characters are fictional, the text hypothetical,

the events an apocryphal fabrication,

but together they present an authentic account

of the inner workings of a modern theatrical production.

Our story begins, of course, with an ink ribbon.

Conrad earp, playwright, native of upper Wyoming,

well-known for his romantic poetic tapestries

of life west of the rocky mountains.

There is little amusement to be had, however,

in watching a man type.

Skip ahead, then, past the lonely, agonized months

of composing, revising, polishing, editing, rewriting,

cutting, pasting, pacing, doodling, and solitary drinking,

and join our company as they take the stage

for their first read-through rehearsal.

Location, the tarkington theater,

345 south northwest Avenue.

Curtain rises on a desert bus stop

halfway between parched gulch and arid plains.

Main scenography includes

a 12-stool luncheonette,

a one-pump filling station,

and a ten-cabin motor court hotel.

Upstage left,

the tomahawk mountains.

Highest peak, 11,000 feet.

Upstage right, an unfinished highway overpass

which vaults up 20 feet, then chops off midair

behind a permanent roadblock.

Center front, an impact crater

one hundred feet in depth and diameter

encircled by a low little league variety chain-link fence.

Offstage, distant, a 650-car freight train

which click-clacks by at five miles an hour.

the light of the desert sun is neither warm nor cool

but always clean

and, above all, unforgiving.

Cast, augie steenbeck,

war photographer, early 40s.

His son woodrow, 14, also known as brainiac.

Midge Campbell, late 30s, film actress.

Her daughter dinah, 15.

June Douglas, schoolteacher.

Ranch hand Montana, above.

Grif Gibson, five-star general.

Clifford, Ricky, Shelly.

Stanley zak, 65, retired.

The action of the play takes place in September of 1955.

Act one, Friday morning, 7:00 A.M.

Act two, the next day.

Act three, one week later.

Last train to San Fernando

last train to San Fernando

if you miss this one you'll never get another one

Bee-Dee-Dee-Dee-Bom-Bom to San Fernando

last night I met my sweet Dorothy

she said, "tomorrow I join in sweet matrimony”

but if you act all right

oh, you can take me out tonight

we can wine and dine and get back in time

for the last train to San Fernando

last train to San Fernando

last train to San Fernando

if you miss this one you'll never get another one

Bee-Dee-Dee-Dee-Bom-Bom to San Fernando

It's a dead snake.

Flat snake.

Poke him in the head with this stick.

I wander the streets

And the gay crowded places...

Five orders of flapjacks and a black coffee.

But somehow it seems

that my thoughts ever stray

to our last...

Who needs to pee?

Nobody needs to pee. I don't.

Our average speed is 83 feet per second.

Poor fuel efficiency due to excess wind resistance.

Probably the luggage rack.

Based on data before the loss of power, obviously.

High in the sky...

What do you little princesses want to drink?

Oh, we're not princesses. I'm a vampire.

I'm a mummy in Egypt who got buried alive...

I suck people's blood. ...And came back to life

with its head chopped off. I'm a fairy.

How about a glass of strawberry milk?

What was that?

Another atom Bomb test.

I've seen this combination of symptoms twice before

in the '52 estate model.

In one case, it was a quick fix of a 75-cent part.

In the other case, it was a difficult, costly,

time-consuming disassembly and re-mantling

of the entire drive train

and lubrication mechanism, which didn't work.

The motor exploded itself,

and the body was stripped and sold for scrap.

There it is.

Well, which one have we got?

We're about to find out.

You got the first one.

How much do I owe you? Nothing.

Ten dollars for the tow.

What's that? Wh-what's that?

I don't know.

I think you've got a third problem

we've never seen before.

Zak residence.

Romulus, this is augie steenbeck.

Good morning, Mr. Augie. The gate is open.

No, we're not there. You're not here?

May I speak to Mr. Zak? Yes, Mr. Augie.

You're not here? We're not there.

The car exploded. Come get the girls.

The car exploded?

Parts of the car exploded itself, yes.

Come get the girls. I'm not their chauffeur.

I'm their grandfather.

Where are you? Asteroid city.

Farm route six, mile 75. Come get the girls.

I have to stay here with woodrow.

What are you talking about?

The thing for woodrow. We're there.

Hmm.

Hello? How'd they take it?

They didn't.

No?

No.

You didn't tell them still? I still didn't tell them.

You promised. I know.

The time is never right.

The time

is always wrong.

Are you okay?

No.

You never liked me, did you?

I never loved you. I always thought that you...

You always thought I wasn't good enough for her.

Yes. We're saying the same thing.

Gas up the Cadillac. Okay.

Tell the kids. I will.

I'll be there when I get there.

It's the end of that car.

Andromeda, check under the floor mats. Come on.

Pandora, check the side pockets.

Cassiopeia, check the cracks between the seats.

Take everything. What do you think, woodrow?

I think it's kind of sad.

Rest stop, 13 minutes.

Head count. One.

Two. Three. Four.

Five. Six. Seven. Eight.

Nine. Ten. All present.

Let's give thanks for a safe journey. Billy?

Dear heavenly father, we thank thee kindly

for a terrific bus ride.

I ate three boxes of cracker Jacks,

got a dog whistle and a miniature map

of the original 13 colonies.

Also, we saw a coyote get run over by a 14-Wheeler

and left him flat as a pancake.

Boy, oh, boy. What else?

The bus driver had to stop twice

because bernice couldn't hold it.

Could so. Amen.

Amen.

Lunchtime. Line up single file.

My word. It's hot.

It's the desert. What'd you expect?

I don't know if I expected one thing or another,

but I'm wilting like a cut Petunia.

Humans don't wilt. Don't they?

No, wilting is a phenomenon

by which a petal, leaf, or stem...

Do you dare me?

Dare you what? To eat this hot pepper.

It's an experiment. No, don't do it.

Hot pepper.

Holy Toledo. That's midge Campbell.

Where? Who? Right smack in back of you.

Don't look.

That must be her bodyguard.

Mr. Cho, yes? Hello.

You're in cabin seven. Well, tent seven.

Here's the key, but there's no door.

Just a flap. Tent flap.

Tent? I know.

I upgraded the electrical system Tuesday morning.

Better lighting, power for the ice machine

and a wall-mounted bug zapper.

Unfortunately, a mistake got made,

and cabin seven burned to the ground.

It's a tent now.