Cut and Chop

What do you want tonight?

You know what I want, baby.

Pork chops again?

Mm.

Maybe.

Excuse me?

Could we get three beef flaps, please?

Thanks.

Can I help you?

Shh.

Can I get a pound of ground beef?

Sure.

Anything else?

Not today.

You enjoy this?

Excuse me, friend?

Your work here.

Yes, sir, yes.

I thought so.

That was too much, Tom.

I thought you might like it, you know?

What is wrong with you?

Well, just the two of us.

It's cold in here.

You know what it is?

I'm worried.

Well, just the two of us.

Cold in here.

Please, take your time...

Don't ask me to run lines with you.

What is that smell?

What?

That smell, it's rotten.

Gross!

Go put it in the garbage chute in the hall!

What are you doing?

Are you stealing all this?

Answer me!

Yeah.

I won't get caught.

What?

I don't understand, why are you taking these items?

It's a surprise.

Two of us.

Well, just the two of us.

Cold in here.

Don't forget we have dinner with Gladys and Burt tomorrow.

- Hot day today. - Oh, yeah.

It's gonna get hotter.

That'll be two dollars.

Hey, can I see that there?

- You mean this one? - Oh, yeah, that one.

Certainly.

Oh-ho-ho.

How much?

Now, cowboy, most people, $70.

For you?

$60.

Thief.

Thief?

Come on.

Okay, look.

$60 to take it.

I want it but not today.

All right, all right, all right, final offer.

$55.

Not today.

And that's a no.

Hey, pretty lady.

We're still on for dinner with the boys tonight?

Of course.

I need to see Tom be more social.

Did you just get in?

Yeah!

Me and Burt went to Piano Bar last night.

Let's just say momma had one too many.

I was thinking for tonight if you two wanna come over early,

we could have a little smoke session.

Need to cut back on the cocktails

so these laugh lines don't get any deeper.

Yeah, sounds great.

Tom doesn't really get high, though, it makes him act weird,

but I'm sure he'll bring his flask.

Well, I'm positive him and Burt will get along, then.

You look under the weather.

Gettin' enough rest?

Not last night.

Tom is driving me crazy.

Talk to me, honey.

He's at it again.

- Ass to mouth? - No!

Must have him confused with Gina's beau, Walter.

What, then?

He's biting me, like, every other time he gets off.

Hm.

Well?

Do you enjoy it?

Kind of.

But not when he takes chunks out of me.

That's the punishment we deserve by dating younger men.

Little creeps.

I'm joking.

No, this is serious, he shouldn't bite you.

You have to put an end to that shit, honey.

But honestly, it sounds kind of steamy.

I've never really been bit.

No, this is serious.

Okay, I wanna show you, come here.

Oh, my god!

This is serious!

- I know. - You have to end it.

No!

No, he just moved in.

I know, but it'll get dirtier, trust me.

I was dating a guy a few years ago named Tony,

who started choking me every time he got off,

but after a month, the poor little man couldn't cum,

unless I was on the verge of passing out from suffocation!

I told him to back off, right?

I think he thought I was using reverse psychology on him,

and that I was really wanting a tighter grip on my neck.

So I blacked out, woke up a few minutes later,

saw Tony at the foot of my bed, eating rocky road ice cream.

Selfish prick.

I told him to get the fuck out and never come back.

I'm telling you, it could get nasty.

That's what I'm afraid of.

Strange.

This one's strange.

Yeah, I know.

I think he's a kleptomaniac, too.

Please don't tell anyone, not even Burt.

What?

That's...

Well, I guess I'll keep my belongings close to me tonight.

No, no, he doesn't steal things

from people that he actually knows.

He just takes odd, invaluable objects from random places

like gadgets from gas stations,

and cheap food from grocery stores,

knives from pawn shops.

He is a strange little man.

What've you gotten yourself into with this one?

I don't know.

But it's the complex ones that hook us, right?

Tom?

Tom Cain?

Come in.

Break a limb.

Hello, Tom.

I'm Ron, the director.

To my left is the casting director, Lisa,

and to my right is the producer, Roberto.

So you will be reading with Lisa today.

She'll have you slate your name and height,

and you can begin whenever you're ready.

There's also a chair to your right,

if you'd like to use that for your audition.

Okay.

Any questions before you begin?

Are you afraid?

You should be.

My name's Tom Cain and I'm five-foot-nine.

Tom Cain?

Come in.

Well, it's good to see you again, Tom.

We've been waiting for you.

Take a seat, if you like.

I'll stand.

Well, we decided to call you in today, not for a callback,

but to offer you the role.

We're holding callbacks for some other roles this afternoon,

but decided to go ahead and offer you the role in person,

considering that you don't have representation.

Your audition last week blew us away.

We showed your audition tape to the rest of the team

and without a doubt, we all agree,

you are the one for the role.

Well, what do ya say, Tom?

Have we found our antagonist in Cut and Chop?

Hey!

- Good to see you again! - You too.

You must be Tom.

We give hugs.

- Hi. - Hi.

- Hey, pretty lady! - Hi!

- Thanks for coming. - Of course.

- Hi, Tom. - Hello.

Nice to see you again.

Burt, I can't believe you and Tom have never met.

Yeah, well, I know.

It seems like it probably should've happened already.

You and Gladys have been working together for what,

half a year now?

Almost eight months?

We've been trying to get the four of us together ever since.

And that's the way the cookie crumbles.

Yeah, well, crumbling cookies and all,

it's time we all made up for some lost time.

So, make yourselves at home, have a seat.