Russkies

"But, comrade, we can be friends."

Our uniforms may be different,

but we are brothers.

We must learn to trust one another.

Our countries can live together in peace.'

the evil commissar shifted his ferret-like gaze

to slammer, who only dug his boot heel

deeper into his former captor's bloated face.

'Please, comrade. Peace', he blubbered,

his once crisp uniform now stained with fear's sweat.

He managed to raise his puffy hand toward slammer

in a gesture of friendship,

but quick as a weasel,

he pulled a three-bladed gutting knife from his boot,

but he was no match for slammer's bayonet.

'Eat Pennsylvania steel,

borscht-face, ' grunted slammer,

"as he opened the commissar like a ripe melon."

- Yeah. - That's great.

- That's cool. - That's my favorite one.

That's the best right there.

Check out this picture.

- That's cool! - Check it out!

- Look at his muscles. - That's awesome, man!

The fires of hell

are no picnic, my friend...

but they are nothing compared to the hell

we have made for ourselves right here! It is only...

and top fuel dragsters Sunday, Monday, Tuesday!

It's the race of the century. Be there!

Boris!

Sulock!

Boris!

Sulock!

Boris!

America.

What are you doing? Why aren't you watching in the den?

Dad's down there again with his lawyer.

They're signing the divorce papers.

Well, are they fighting?

Not anymore.

Were mostly higher yesterday,

in reaction to a firmer dollar

and lower interest rates. Although blue chip issues

gave up most of their gains late in the session...

How come we never have pancakes?

How about some sausage?

Adam, do you really want sausage and pancakes?

- Yes. - Don't you know how that will make you feel?

Yeah, full.

Advancing issues outpaced declining issues

by about 5 to 3.

Analysts attributed the market's improvement

to a stronger dollar and higher bond prices.

Sure is nice having Diane back from college.

She's just having trouble adjusting

to what happened with Steve.

You mean getting dumped?

Adam Vandermeer, you leave her alone!

The dollar was mostly higher on foreign exchange markets.

Ya!

Nobody moves, or the kid dies.

Morning, Danny.

Just to make sure you don't try anything funny,

I've cut the phone lines to town.

Now just stay put for the next hour or so

and nobody'll get hurt.

$7 an ounce, and dropped 21.50.

Get your tail out of bed, boy.

0800's come and gone.

I'm up. I'm up.

Daylight wasted is gone forever.

I know, yeah, I know.

Shake your tail, soldier!

You're on lawn mower and weed patrol today!

It's a beautiful day.

When I come home,

I want to look in that yard and smile.

Do you hear me, son?

Jason?

Jason? Jason!

I wish one year they'd have a parade

with real American stuff.

Yeah, like what?

Yeah, like what?

I don't know. Tanks.

Guns.

Rockets.

I'll tell you.

I'll tell you what they should have.

Sgt. Slammer.

Yeah.

You pea brains.

Sgt. Slammer is fictional.

Hi, men!

Cool!

I think I'm going to have a heart attack.

- Yeah. That was awesome! - I told you.

- Hey, I want to try it! - How about a ride?

You weenie! You're never gonna fly one of those things.

Why not? It's just an oversized

reaction engine with a throttle

and some directional controls.

Yeah, well, so is a car

and you can't drive that, either.

- Well, eat shit and die, dork face. - You homo!

You wuss!

Coming, girls?

Hey.

Dibs on it, whatever it is.

- What is it? - It's Russian!

I bet... I bet it washed

all the way over from Russia.

- Give me a break! - How could it wash over

two whole oceans?

Hey, it's possible.

I heard about this guy that once

ralphed in Daytona beach

and two years later, his teeth showed up in Hawaii.

Yeah, well, all I know is that

whoever lost it's probably dead now.

How do you know that?

Because, man, in Russia, if you screw up,

they don't give you a second chance

to explain yourself. They just kill you.

Sounds like my dad.

Yeah, well, if this was Russia

and you didn't like what your parents were doing,

you just turn them in to the k.G.B.

Put them to work in the beet mines in Siberia.

Yeah. Make them work till they drop.

- Yeah. - All right!

Yeah!

Hey! What's going on?

- Jason! - What happened?

I don't know. It snagged.

- Man. - Great!

Come on, let's get the boat up.

- Hey, look! - What happened?

- Look at that thing. - What is that thing?

Man, that sucker will pull you right under.

Careful! It'll get you!

Adam! Adam!

- Adam! - Adam!

- It got 'em, it got 'em. - What do we do?

- I don't know! - Help!

- Adam! - Help!

Adam!

You dorks! It's just a raft.

- Very funny! - Don't do that, man.

"No! What are we gonna do?

My god! My god..."

You wimps.

Hey, guys.

Hey, guys. Adam! Jason! Come here!

I think I know where the book came from.

Russians!

An invasion.

World war III.

Awesome.

You know what I bet happened?

I bet you this is the first wave

and they got caught out in the storm.

Yeah, ripped to shit in the coral.

Yeah. Now they're just waiting for

the weather to clear to make their big push.

We're the only ones who know.

Man, we've gotta spread the word!

Yeah.

Come on, Jason, push!

Hey. Hey, wait up!

No, Danny. You gotta stay here and secure the island!

- What? - You heard me.

You gotta check on our bunker to make sure it's okay!

Yeah, but what if I find the bodies or something?

- You chicken? - No, but...

Sgt. Slammer wouldn't be afraid!

Yeah, but sgt. Slammer has an m16

and a grenade belt!

Okay, you green berets, follow me.

Get the rpgs ready

while I reconnoiter this here cave.

What? Of course I've got my flamethrower!

And don't forget the hand grenades

and the assault rifles.

And the agent orange.

Drop your weapon, amerikanets.

- Russians! - Russians!

They landed on the beach! This is it!

Just a sec. Hey, will you guys

please shut up? I'm on the phone!

But, Diane, this is real. We found Russians!

- Look at this! - Yeah, Russians!

Well, right after I finish this call,

I'll get Chuck Norris right on the hotline, okay?

It's the geek patrol.

- Who, your dad? - No. Adam.

Yeah. My brother's an idiot, too.

I know.

They put boys in military?