American Beauty

I need a father who's a role model.

Not some horny geek-boy who's gonna spray his shorts

whenever I bring a girlfriend home from school.

What a lame-o.

Someone really should just put him out of his misery.

Want me to kill him for you?

Yeah. Would you?

My name is Lester Burnham.

This is my neighborhood.

This is my street.

This is my life.

I'm 42 years old. In less than a year...

...I'll be dead.

Of course, I don't know that yet.

And in a way, I'm dead already.

Look at me.

Jerking off in the shower.

This will be the high point of my day.

It's all downhill from here.

That's my wife, Carolyn.

See the way the handle on those pruning shears matches her gardening clogs?

That's not an accident.

- - Hush, Bitsy!

Hush! What is wrong with you?

That's our next door neighbor, Jim.

- And that's his lover... Jim. - You spoil her. Bitsy...

- Me? - ...no bark! Come inside now!

- Come on. - Good morning, Jim!

Morning, Carolyn.

- I love your tie. That color! - I just love your roses.

How do you get them to flourish like this?

Well, I'll tell you: eggshells and Miracle-Gro.

- I've never heard of that. - Man...

...I get exhausted just watching her.

She wasn't always like this. She used to be happy.

We used to be happy.

- - My daughter, Jane.

Only child.

Janie's a pretty typical teenager:

- angry, insecure, confused. -

I wish I could tell her that's all going to pass,

but I don't want to lie to her.

Jane, honey, are you trying to look unattractive?

Yes.

Congratulations, you've succeeded admirably.

Lester, could you make me a little later? I'm not quite late enough.

Nice going, Dad.

Both my wife and daughter think I'm this gigantic loser.

And they're right.

I have lost something.

I'm not exactly sure what it is,

but I know I didn't always feel this... sedated.

But you know what?

It's never too late to get it back.

Hello. This is Lester Burnham from Media Monthly magazine.

I'm calling for Mr. Tamblin, please.

Well, we're all under a deadline here.

There's some information about your product launch

that isn't even covered in your press release, and...

- - Yeah, OK. Can I ask you a question?

Who is Tamblin? Does he exist?

'Cause he doesn't ever seem to come in.

Yeah, OK. I'll leave my number.

It's 555-0199.

Lester Burnham. Thank you.

Hey, Les.

- You got a minute? - For you, Brad, I got five.

So I'm sure you can understand

our need to cut corners around here.

Oh, sure. Times are tight. You got to free up some cash.

You got to spend money to make money, right?

- Exactly. - Like the time when Mr. Flournoy

used the company MasterCard to pay for that hooker,

then she used the card and stayed at the St. Regis for three months...

- That's unsubstantiated gossip! - That's $50,000!

That's someone's salary who's gonna get fired

because Craig has to pay women to fuck him!

Jesus! Calm down.

Nobody's getting fired yet.

That's why we're having everyone write out a job description

mapping out in detail how they contribute.

That way management can assess who's valuable...

And who's expendable.

It's just business.

I've been writing for this magazine for 14 years. You've been here a month?

I'm one of the good guys, Les.

I'm trying to level with you.

This is your one chance to save your job.

There's no decision. Just write the damn thing.

You don't think it's weird and kind of fascist?

Possibly, but you don't want to be unemployed.

Let's sell our souls and work for Satan because it's more convenient.

Could you be a little bit more dramatic, please, huh?

So we finally got new neighbors.

If the Lomans had let me represent them instead of the Real Estate King

that house would never have sat on the market for six months.

They were still mad at you for cutting down their sycamore.

Their sycamore? Come on!

A substantial portion of the root structure was on our property.

How can you call it their sycamore?

I wouldn't have the heart to cut down something if it wasn't partially mine.

Mom, do we always have to listen to this elevator music?

No. No, we don't.

As soon as you've prepared a nutritious, yet savory, meal that I'm about to eat,

you can listen to whatever you like.

So, Janie, how was school?

- It was OK. - Just OK?

No, Dad. It was spectacular.

Well, you want to know how things went at my job today?

They've hired this efficiency expert.

This really friendly guy named Brad. How perfect is that?

He's there to make it seem like they're justified in firing somebody

because they couldn't just come right out and say that.

That would just be too honest.

So they've asked us. You couldn't possibly care less, could you?

- - Well, what do you expect?

You can't all of a sudden be my best friend just because you had a bad day.

I mean, hello! You've barely even spoken to me for months.

Oh, what? You're Mother of the Year? You treat her like an employee.

What?

What?!

I'm going to get some ice cream.

Janie...

I'm sorry I haven't been more...

...available. I'm just... I...

You know, you don't always have to wait for me to come to you.

Oh, great. So now it's my fault?

I didn't say that. It's nobody's fault.

Janie, what happened? We used to be pals.

I will sell this house today.

I will sell this house today.

I will sell this house today.

I will sell this house today.

Welcome. I'm Carolyn Burnham.

This living room is very dramatic.

Wait till you see the native stone fireplace!

A simple cream could really lighten things up.

You could even put in a skylight.

Well, why don't we go into the kitchen?

It's a dream come true for any cook.

Just filled with positive energy. Huh?

You'll be surprised how much a ceiling fan can cut down on your energy costs.

You know, you could have some really fun backyard get-togethers out here.

The ad said this pool was "lagoon-like."

- Nothing "lagoon-like" about it. - Except for maybe the bugs!

There aren't even any plants out here!

What do you call this? Is this not this a plant?

If you have a problem with the plants, I can call my landscape architect.

- Solved! - I think lagoon, I think waterfall.

I think tropical. This is a cement hole.

Huh... I have some tiki torches in the garage.

Shut up!

Stop it! You weak. You baby! Shut up!

Shut up! Shut up!

- -

Who are you looking for?

My parents are coming tonight.

They're trying to, you know, take an active interest in me.

Gross. I hate it when my mom does that.

They're such assholes. Why can't they just have their own lives?

What makes you so sure she wants us to be there? Did she ask?

Of course not. She doesn't want us to know how important this is to her.

But she's been practicing her steps for weeks.

I'll bet money she'll resent it.

And I'm missing the James Bond marathon on TNT.

Lester! This is important!

I'm sensing a real distance growing between you and Jane.

Growing? She hates me.

- She's just willful. - She hates you, too.

- I'm sorry, I'm sorry. -

Pardon me. Excuse me.

Now, for your halftime entertainment,

Rockwell High's award-winning Dancing Spartanettes!

We can leave right after this, right?

- -

Shit! They're still here.

- Janie! - Hey, I really enjoyed that!

- Congratulations! You were great! - I didn't win anything.

- Hi, I'm Lester, Janie's dad. - Oh, hi.

This is my friend, Angela Hayes.

OK. Good to meet you.

You were also good tonight. Very...

- ...precise. - Thanks.

Nice to meet you, Angela. Honey!

I am so proud of you! You know, I watched you very closely.

You didn't screw up once!

OK. We have to go.

- So what are you girls doing now? - Dad!

We're going out for pizza.

Really? We can give you a ride. I have a car. Want to come with us?

Thanks, but I have a car.

You have a car. Oh, well, that's great. That's great.

'Cause Janie's thinking about getting a car soon, aren't you?

Dad! Mom's waiting for you.

It was very nice meeting you, Angela.