Melissa & Joey

"Melissa and Joey" is recorded in front of a live studio audience.

Charlie, that sounds awesome, man.

Yeah, let me just run it by my bride-to-be first.

Hey, will you stop making that whipping sound, please?

Letting Mel know my schedule is not the same thing as handing over my...

Them. Bye.

Hey, these came for aunt Mel. They're from grandpa Russell.

Oh.

"Pumpkin, I'll be there tomorrow to walk you down the aisle.

Sorry I missed today's flight, things got crazy

with the Qantas girls

in the frequent flyer lounge."

Man, grandpa Russell is so cool.

And quite a role model.

Hey, uh, where is your aunt?

Oh, she's upstairs

with your mom and sister doing bride crap.

Oh.

Okay, so... Hair down

or hair up?

My Joey's bride looks gorgeous

- no matter how she wears her hair. - Aww.

Ma, the day before the wedding is no time for B.S.

- Wear it down. - Thanks.

You know, I don't make very good decisions on a juice fast.

Oh, you're not sticking to that juice fast

at the bachelorette party tonight, are you?

Your breath smells like lawn clippings.

Hey, Mel, listen, I gotta talk...

- Oh my God, Joey! - What are you doing in here?

- Get out! - Hey!

It's bad luck for you to see

the bride in her dress

before the wedding.

I gotta talk to her for a minute.

- Talk from the hall! - Get out!

All right! I wanted... Mom!

Mel?

- Yeah? - Listen, uh...

Instead of a bachelor party, Charlie's just taking me out

for a little last day of adventure, okay?

Have fun, but promise me nothing dangerous.

Don't go breaking any parts I'm gonna need on the honeymoon.

Yeah, don't worry, I'll keep all the good stuff in bubble wrap for you, baby.

What?

He saw you in the dress.

Oh, come on, it's just a superstition.

Oh, not so.

Vinny Zirpolo saw his fiancee in her dress

before the wedding. He got hit by lightning on the way to the church.

He didn't like women after that.

Well, I'm not worried about that with Joe.

Fabio Marcotulli saw his fiancee in her dress before the wedding.

After the ceremony, she got rice

thrown in her eye and went blind.

With this juice fast, if anyone starts throwing rice

I'm gonna catch it in my mouth.

Ugh, I miss chewing.

You know, Joey saw Tiffany in her dress before the wedding.

Mm-hmm and how'd that marriage work out, huh?

- Huh? Hmm? - Huh? Eh?

So... I'm getting a new dress.

You know, why would you get something new

when you can get a totally awesome suit

at the thrift store for like 12 bucks.

Is that a bloodstain?

Yeah, I think some guy got shot in it.

Oh, and they threw in this awesome fez

for free.

Which you are never wearing in public.

Okay, yeah, we'll save it for private time.

Hey, guess who arrived while you guys were out?

Joe's sister Theresa...

And her son Marco.

Oh.

So who's "Marco"?

Uh, Joe's nephew. When we went to New Jersey

last year, Marco showed me around the neighborhood.

But you know, it's not any big deal.

He probably doesn't even remember me.

I thought I heard an angel's voice.

How is it possible that your eyes are sparkling

even more than the last time I saw them?

Look at that, he remembers you.

Yeah. Hey, Marco.

I'd like you to meet my boyfriend Zander.

Her long-term boyfriend Zander.

Right right right.

The one she was on the pause from.

Yes, but now we are very un-paused.

Got it. By the way,

nice hat, Aladdin.

Oh man, Charlie.

I gotta tell you something, buddy.

That was the best non-bachelor party I could ever have.

Dude, you were a madman out there.

What, do you got a death wish?

Oh yeah, clearly you do.

You're getting married tomorrow.

What a sweet thought. You know what,

I should have you write my vows.

Stupid...

Hey, Zander. You did pretty good

for your first ride out there, buddy.

And without training wheels.

You know what? You tried to run me off the road.

Oh, you didn't notice?

We were all off-road.

I know what you're trying to do, okay?

You're trying to get me out of the way.

If this is about me and Lennox, trust me...

Nothing happened.

It's funny how he makes "nothing" sound like something.

Yeah, it's hilarious.

Guys, this ends right now, come on.

And listen, when we get back, what happened here today

is never spoken about again.

You got it?

I said you got it?

- Yeah, sure. - Yeah, that's fine.

Ryder, I gotta say I'm pretty proud.

You remembered everything I said about being safe out there.

Yeah, I did. Hey, up top.

Yeah!

Oh!

Oh my God. Is the bike okay?

Yeah, that's the concern... The bike.

Uh-huh, will the bike be able to walk down the aisle tomorrow?

Oh... oh...

I got it. I'm good, I'm good.

I'm... oh!

Okay, nobody can ever tell Joe that I spent this much money

on a second dress because of some silly superstition.

Well, isn't Joey gonna know you're wearing a completely different dress?

No, he's a guy.

All they notice is dress and white and cleavage.

She's not wrong.

Joe, are you sure you're gonna be able to dance in time

- for this wedding tomorrow? - Yes, I'm gonna be fine.

Look, Charlie knows this guy, he's a doctor.

Well, he's sort of a doctor,

all of his patients are horses.

But he said he's got this concoction

that will for sure have me on my feet by tomorrow.

So here, he gave me the address there.

Okay. Hey, let's get you to the couch.

I can get myself to the couch.

Just go get my horse drugs.

Joe, are you sure this is a real doctor?

His address just says, "beige van."

Will you just go, please?

Okay.

Joe, you're home. Hide it.

Yes, and I'm fine. Hide what?

Oh, I... I can't hide my feelings

- for you, sweetie. - Oh.

So we should practice our first dance right now.

Whoa, now? No, now wouldn't be a good idea.

- We don't even have the music, sweetie. - Oh, well...

Now we do.

Okay, all right. Let's do it.

Ready? Here we go. Hey, yeah, good good.

That's great. That's unbelievable.

Wow.

Okay, here we go.

This way, okay. Now back.

Yes, beautiful. No, now this way.

There we go, yeah.

- You're doing so good. - Yeah, you're not so bad yourself, honey.

Yep yep... oh!

Ow! Okay.

- Did I hurt you? - Nope. Nope.

No no no no no. I'm fine. I'm fine.

Can you stand?

Yep.

You mean now?

Sure, yep.

See?

Oh no, what did I do to you?

Oh, you didn't do anything, honey. It's... it's...

It's not your fault. You just happened to step on

this old bone spur that I have from this...

This old...

- Kickboxing injury. - What?

- When did you ever kickbox? - Yeah, it's not really important.

I'm in a lot of pain here, sweetie.

I'm such a klutz. I can't believe

I wasn't more careful the day before our wedding.

Oh, yeah, what's done is done.

I'll be back on my feet by tomorrow.

Oh, that's my Joe.

So brave...

And so delusional. You can't even stand.

Maybe we should postpone the wedding.

No no no no no.

Look, honey, it's gonna be fine. I already have

Ryder out picking me up some pills to take care of this.

Wait. So you knew I was gonna step

on your old injury before it happened?

No.