The Nanny

So did you have a nice evening?

Oh, I'll tell you, it was a beautiful wedding.

Val and I cried our eyes out.

She made some gorgeous bride, that Dr. Quinn.

Fran, where's our TV Guide?

Right here. Give me your best shot.

All righty. Channel 29,

what follows The Ghost and Mrs. Muir?

That would be Family Affair,

the episode where Mr. French accidentally drops Mrs. Beasley off the terrace,

followed by The Munsters with Marilyn Number Two

followed by Bewitched with Darrin Number One

but Mrs. Kravitz Number Two.

Bravo, Miss Fine.

You seem to know more about '60s television

than most people at your age have forgotten.

Well, are you calling me old or just stupid?

Well, you have a childlike quality

that I find absolutely charming.

Childlike? -Just stupid.

Well, what does he expect? All I do is talk to kids all day.

You know, if someone would keep their head out of the paper in the morning,

maybe I can have an adult conversation.

Oh, look,

Dumb & Dumber Is playing at the dollar theaters.

All right, Miss Fine. You want an adult conversation?

Yes, -I do. Let's talk.

Um, affirmative action, for or against? -Against.

Get rid of affirmative action.

Those creams don't work.

My mother has been smearing them on her thighs for years,

and she still looks like she fell asleep in a wicker chair.

She was working in a bridal shop in Flushing, Queens

'Til her boyfriend kicked her out

in one of those crushing scenes

What was she to do? Where was she to go?

She was out on her fanny

So over the bridge from Flushing to the Sheffield's door

She was there to sell makeup, but the father saw more

She had style! She had flair! She was there!

That's how she became the nanny!

Who would have guessed that the girl we've described

was just exactly what the doctor prescribed?

Now the father finds her beguiling

Watch out, C.C.!

And the kids are actually smiling

Such joie de vivre!

She's the lady in red when everybody else is wearing tan

The flashy girl from Flushing

The nanny named Fran!

Now they're unloading a couch.

Nope. It's a sectional.

Nope. It's a love seat and a chaise.

Nope, nope... Oh, would you stop it? You're driving me crazy.

What if the person moving in is a single guy?

If he hears you yelling at me,

he's gonna think we're married.

I'm sorry, Miss Fine.

I'm just obsessing over something in the newspaper.

Oh, you want to talk about it?

No. I don't think it's anything that you'll be interested in.

Well, I could fake it.

It wouldn't be the first time.

All right. It's President Clinton's Renaissance Weekend,

and I was hoping I'd be invited.

Oh, a Renaissance Weekend.

Boy, Clinton goes to those things?

'Cause I'm thinking tights and a pointy hat is not his best look.

No, Miss Fine. Not the Renaissance Faire,

the Renaissance Weekend.

It's a yearly gathering of the best minds from every walk of life,

and they only invite one member of the Broadway community,

and you know the one name that's ahead of mine.

Right. Who comes before Sheffield?

A, B, C, D, E, F, G... R!

Phylicia Rashad is before Mr. Sheffield.

No, Miss Fine. Not Phylicia Rashad.

Andrew Lloyd Webber.

Webber? W is before S?

Boy, and they call me stupid.

Well, it's 12:30. Where's this brother of yours, C.C.?

Brother? There's a brother coming?

Is he short, ugly, and married?

No. Why?

Well, then I gotta change.

Nanny Fine, please,

he is a full-time professor at Northwestern University.

Well, I don't mind moving down south.

Oh, it will be so wonderful to see Noel again.

We used to have so much fun.

Every summer he'd take me to the horse show.

Did you ever win?

Maxwell, will you put that out? It's stinking up the house.

Oh, C.C., I thought you liked cigars.

I meant him.

Oh, he's here.

Oh, we were just like best friends.

C.C.

Noel.

Yes! Well, you've been working out.

I smell Lady Stetson. Mummy gave you this.

She gave you the Beamer.

She gave you the Benz.

C.C., Mummy died yesterday.

What'd you get?

Got you.

I walked right into that.

He used to keep me in stitches

with all that "Mummy died" stuff.

Oh, yes. Charming.

Oh, I didn't know we had company.

Isn't anyone going to introduce us? All right.

This is my charming, wealthy, educated brother, Noel.

Noel, this is the help.

I'm Dr. Noel Babcock.

Oh, a teacher and a doctor.

Your mother must be kvelling.

Miss Fine, don't you have something to do?

Oh, he thinks that I can't handle an adult conversation.

Want a Juicy Juice?

Maybe I'd learn something if I hung out with the professor.

Worked for Mary Ann and Ginger.

Is something going on with Max and the nanny?

No.

I mean, Maxwell is an educated man.

She went to Nick at Nite school.

C.C., would you like to have some fun?

Noel, I thought that was against the law.

No.

No, no, no. No, I meant a little wager.

I say the nanny can be taught.

Oh, please, don't make me take your money.

This is a woman who thought Clarence Thomas

was on The Mod Squad.

Stop it. You're gonna make me go right here.

My Lamborghini against your prize thoroughbred.

You choose the test.

Well, the only thing she knows is television.

I'll make it easy for you.

Get her on Jeopardy.

All right. You're on.

Oh, I can't wait to get behind the wheel of that car.

And I can't wait to get behind that racehorse.

You know what I mean.

No, Ma, Noel is not that kind of doctor.

'Cause he's a... You can't write prescriptions, can you?

No.

That's what your insurance is for.

Will you just call your H-O-M-O.

Fran, you are enchanting.

I don't know why you're insecure about your intelligence. Oh, well.

I mean, if you're smart enough to get on Jeopardy. Who got on Jeopardy?

Well, C.C. told me you'd been on a game show.

I naturally assumed... Oh, please. Studs.

That's not really a mind game.

No. You gotta be a genius to be on Jeopardy.

I mean, my own cousin can't get on,

and she finds Waldo every week.

I'll bet you could do it. No.

I couldn't possibly find Waldo every week,

especially in those beach scenes

when he's not wearing his shirt.

No, no. I meant getting on Jeopardy.

Would you like to try a few questions?

Okay.

Alex, I love your tie.

What? Alex Trebek, dumb-dumb.

I heard that if you flirt with him,

he locks out the other guys' buzzers.

Oh, I'm gonna be good at this.

All right.

Famous monarchs.

Oh, that's easy.

The most famous Monarch was the '72 Mercury,

more specifically, the one my ex-boyfriend, Danny, drove.

And I'm the one that made it famous.

Moving on. Astronomy.

This is the oldest body orbiting the sun.

What is William Shatner?

Oh, my head.

Oh, you know, the same thing happens to Mr. Sheffield.

Gee, it must be something in this room.

Fran. Yes?

Would you mind if we picked this up tomorrow?

Oh, sure, sure. No problem.

There's a set of steel-belted radials I've gotta stop payment on.

Oh, boy.

Bye, Noel. Thank you.

Did Noel leave? Oh, I'm sorry I missed him.

Well, I miss him too.

It's nice to have a man around

who notices my inane intelligence.

Miss Fine, I noticed that the first time

you threw a penny in the bidet and made a wish.

Oh, don't try and get on my good side, mister.

For your information, Noel finds me stimulating.

Believe me, it's not your mind that's aroused his interest.

You know, there is only one explanation for your negativity.

Oh, please, you think I'm jealous of Noel?

That makes two.