Superhero Movie

Who am I?

You sure you wanna know?

Truth is, I'm a nobody.

Actually, I'm worse than a nobody. I'm this guy.

Stop! Stop the bus!

The story of my life is not for the faint of heart.

Thanks.

But, like any story worth telling,

it's all about a girl.

Not that girl.

- Hey. Hi. - I don't think that is a girl.

No, it's about this girl,

Jill Johnson.

Ever since I can remember I've been in love with her,

but she barely knows I exist.

Yo, Rick! Yo, come here, man!

I got you a seat down here. What's--? I'll call y'all back. Everybody, bye.

- What's up, man? - Hey, Trey.

Dude, I'm so psyched for this class trip.

We about to see some real serious cutting-edge shit.

Mmm. Mm-hm. Mmm.

That's what I'm talking about. Yo, you got any C batteries on you? AAs?

Got that new sandwich from Sony in my backpack.

It's Wi-Fi, mmm!

Yo, you gotta forget about her, dog.

Look, look. Let me show you something.

She not even looking at you.

If I could just tell her how I feel--

I already told you, you never gonna get with Jill, all right?

She hangs out with the popular crew,

and nobody messes around outside their group.

Come on, that crew stuff isn't real.

The hell it ain't. Look around, Rick.

- Look, you got your jocks, - Get the ball, man.

Nerds, emos,

Frodos,

the Scarface Society,

the sexual predators.

- Of course, you got the Rick-punchers. - The who?

- Ow! - Yeah, they new.

Mm-hm. But you know what? Who cares?

Because we got our own crew: me and you.

Thanks, Trey. You're the best, man.

- Am I in? - No.

Come on. Hey, it's me and you, baby. The two of us against the world, you hear?

You look good today. I like your hair.

I wanna show you something nasty I downloaded. Don't tell nobody.

Welcome to Amalgamated.

I'm Dr. Strom, head of the Research Department

- Come on, man. - where we create the future today.

And now I'd like to show you our crown jewel.

The Amalgamated animal genetics lab.

Go ahead, explore.

Yo, yo. Come on, Rick, man. Check this out.

All of our animals are genetically engineered

and each of them has...

Oh, you're so pretty.

Oh, hi, birdie.

Hi. Hi. Heh, heh.

She's beautiful, isn't she?

Yes, she is.

Uh, I'm gonna take a picture of her for the school newspaper.

Our only rules: Don't feed the animals

and please, no flash photography.

Some of our genetically engineered animals are a little sensitive to light.

It flew away.

Man. Hoo-hoo.

What the F, loser?

You get him, Lance.

- Come on, Lance. Leave him alone. - I don't think so.

Is there a problem, Lance?

No. No problem, Uncle Lou.

Mr. Landers.

Students, this is Lou Landers,

visionary scientist and CEO of Amalgamated.

Well, I'm just a businessman now.

The future of science belongs to all of you.

Please, enjoy the tour.

Are you okay?

Yes, this is healthy cough blood.

Rick Riker. You're not Blaine and Julia Riker's son, are you?

- I am. - Ah. Good people.

- How are they? - They died violently nine years ago.

But otherwise okay?

Yes, thank you. I live with my aunt and uncle now.

Well, you seem like a real chip off the old block.

Let's hope you're not violently murdered too.

That's for making me look stupid.

Next time I hurt you.

Yeah. You the man, Lance.

Our work with these animals has helped us develop new antibiotics,

advanced pesticides,

and a powerful new pheromone which drives animals to mate

called compound H209.

It's a strong sexual attractant.

A single drop is enough to arouse any animal.

We plan on using it to breed endangered species.

A special and indeed often overlooked--

But our most promising research

is with these dragonflies.

For example, this dragonfly's skin

has a hard, armor-like exoskeleton to defend against...

And this species of dragonfly has enormous strength for its size.

It can lift vast amounts, more than its body weight.

And here we've injected the DNA from all three species

into seven new genetically enhanced super dragonflies.

But there's only six in there.

Well, one missing dragonfly is the least of my concerns.

I lost six tigers alone last month.

Ah!

This area is where we keep our livestock.

Oh.

Aren't you gonna do something?

Soon as I get this up on YouTube.

I see. Well, yes, I understand.

Thank you for the call.

That was the principal.

Rick walked off a class trip.

After all the parenting you've done, he's still so troubled.

Why do you think that is, Albert?

I have no idea, Lucille.

I've taught him everything I know about being a man.

And a good man you are

after all these years of marriage.

It's like we first met.

Sure, you're a little older.

Your hair's gray.

You have crow's feet.

It takes you an hour to pee.

Your thighs look like cottage cheese someone threw up on a hot sidewalk.

And you've always had a tiny penis.

Well, heh, what does it matter when you're in love?

- Uhh... - Oh, Rick.

We were wondering where you were.

It's so late.

About time you got home. Your aunt was getting worried.

You can sleep late in the morning,

but don't forget to feed the fish.

Attaboy.

I don't know. Something just doesn't seem quite right with him today.

Teenagers. I'll talk to him.

Rough day, huh? Well, I won't lie to you.

Puberty is a difficult time in a young man's life, you know.

Uh, this book may explain what's happening.

Let's see.

There are mood swings, fluid retention,

and once a month you'll bleed from your vagina.

This may be the wrong book.

What's important is that you're on the verge of adulthood.

Here, take a drink.

Ah, the rituals of manhood.

Today you have your first beer,

and tomorrow we'll circumcise you.

I'm losing patience, Dr. Strom.

Please, sir, if you could just wait a few minutes--

I've waited long enough for this egomaniac.

We're the board of directors. Our time is valuable.

Not as valuable as mine, Mr. Carlson.

You see, I have a terminal illness.

I've been fighting it for years,

but the disease has ravaged my organs.

As of this moment, I have one hour left to live.

It was on sale.

Gentlemen, if you're ready,

allow me to show you the future.

What the hell is that?

An innovation-- Thank you.

-That will not only save my life,

but the life of this company.

For too long we've scraped out profits from pills and injections.

The real prize is the total cure.

A device that can alter DNA

and restore the body to perfect health.

- You're crazy. - Ha, ha. No.

Crazy is hearing voices, talking to cats,

dating Paula Abdul.

I'm not crazy. I'm a visionary.

Sir. Sir, the machine's never been fully tested.

If something should go wrong--

- Start the machine! - Yes, sir.

Plasma level is steady. Genetic modification's at optimum levels.

Sir, the core is overheating.

- Aah! - We have to abort.

Did it work?

I'm so sorry.

Well, well, well.

I want you to know what a joy it will be

running this company without you in the way.

Let go. Let me go.

Gentlemen, I think it's time we made some personnel changes.

No, stay away.

Oh. How long was I asleep?

Five days.

Huh.

Wait, uh--

Oh, Dad.

I thought you'd live forever.

Oh.

Breakfast, Rick.

I'll be right down.