Love Bites

I was thinking a Tiffany's key chain,

but since we both love horror movies

I thought this made more sense.

It's perfect.

But I didn't get you anything.

Eh.

Oh! I did get waxed this morning.

Best gift ever.

I'll see you later tonight.

Can't wait.

James, I'm moving in with Charlie tonight.

Yeah, finally.

I know. Right?

I've never lived with a guy before.

No. No, no, no.

Finally, I mean, somebody's opening up to me.

Thank you for seeing me

not just as an unapproachable master chef,

but a human being.

You know I'm only telling you

because Annie's on maternity leave, right?

That's okay, I'm only being nice to you

because I'm three days clean.

One day at a time, right?

Tomorrow I could wake up in a dumpster,

but today...I care.

Oh, Luis, I'm moving in with Charlie this weekend.

After two months? That's very lesbian of you.

I know, but I'm happy for the first time,

and you know, why wait?

Because your pattern is to run screaming

the minute things get hard.

Not this time. It's different with Charlie.

I'm not even keeping my apartment as a safety net.

Ooh, I don't know about that.

Right? It's a mistake.

I'm sorry, who asked you?

Why does stupid Annie have to be on stupid maternity leave?

- - On us, guys.

So...

See, this is why I miss Annie.

Because even if I was making a mistake,

she used to tell me everything would be fine

because that's what friends do.

They lie to your face?

We're done talking.

I am cool and confident about this decision.

Yes, I know you only gave birth four days ago,

but I'm panicking. Oh, you're panicking?

I am leaking milk.

Everyone seems to understand I had this baby for my sister

except my boobs. I have really dumb boobs.

I'm sorry. Okay, I am.

But this thing with Charlie, I move in yesterday

and this morning I wake up with a full body rash.

I honestly think I'm allergic to commitment.

You are not allergic to commitment.

You probably just have bedbugs.

What?

Oh, yeah. They are very in right now.

I think Japanese schoolgirls

are wearing them with knee socks.

Honey, relax. We love Charlie.

Eh... We do, don't we?

Yes! Go! Be with him.

Okay. But what about the itching?

You don't actually think it's bedbugs, do you?

Oh, no. It could be anything.

You know, you should check his sheets.

He's probably had those bad boys since college.

Who knows what funky stuff is on there.

- - I gotta go. Bye.

Hey. Come back to bed.

Uh, yeah. No, I think I'm up.

What?

This is the best part of moving in together.

We can have morning sex,

and I can sleep in late while you make me eggs.

Or pancakes.

You know what, chef's choice.

Okay.

Um, hey, random question for you,

you don't have bedbugs do you?

That's, like, the modern equivalent

of accusing someone of having an std.

Oh, my God, do you have an std?

No, no! Do you?

No, certainly not!

I just, um...See, I have these bites or something,

and I would just-- can we just please check?

This--this is ridiculous.

I mean, I'm not itching, and it's not like this

is the first time you've ever slept here before.

Gross! Gross, gross, gross!

You have bedbugs! Yeah, you brought them!

How can I possibly bring them?

I did not have bedbugs in my apartment.

Okay, well, I didn't have them before you moved in!

You also didn't have hand towels before I moved in.

And when was the last time you washed your sheets, mister?

All right, all right, all right.

Let's just not blame each other.

You blamed me first.

Right, you mean like that.

Wait, I know a guy.

He calls himself "the bedbug exorcist."

I don't wanna convert them to christianity.

I want to kill them. Yeah.

That's what he does after he finds them.

Dude, I think we found them.

But the whole place could be infested.

They could be in the walls, the floor, our hair.

Oh! Shut up and Google him already.

Oh, thank God. Are you the bedbug exorcist?

No, I'm the tupperware lady.

Where do you want me to set up my tupperware?

Next to the coffee cake?

Oh, great. He's that guy.

Hello. I am Wayne Michelle.

And this is breezey, my associate.

He handles the money.

I'm joking. He's a dog.

Thank you for coming on such short notice.

You're lucky I was available.

Angela lansbury cancelled. She gave up.

They own her brownstone now.

Let's get started.

I'll take two fingers of whiskey, neat,

and a glass of milk for me.

I don't know what to do.

By the way, that... It's not going to help.

They don't come out during the day,

they are nocturnes.

Um, question.

Why am I the only one getting bit?

Many theories.

Women have thinner skin, so they feel it more.

Men have a higher level of naturally-occurring histamines.

My theory...

Maybe you're just delicious. Okay.

Oh, feathers! You've got books.

Those are--those are mine. I just moved in.

This was Angela's downfall.

Everyone knows that bedbugs make their home in books.

Why would you bring these in here?

To look smart.

It's okay; I haven't read a lot of mine either.

We are going to need to seal cracks, fumigate,

replace the mattress, and steam clean.

Really? We have to do all that?

Oh, believe me.

This is just the start of your ordeal.

I have seen bedbugs literally rip couples apart.

Not literally.

Mostly they just suck your blood.

Here's hoping you two buck the odds.

Bewegen sich schnell, breezey.

Well...

At least we can stay at your place during the fumigation.

Except we can't. I gave it up, remember?

- Already? - Well, yeah, I--

so I wouldn't have a safety net.

I thought that's what you wanted.

It was...Before I knew we had bedbugs.

They're here.

I think we should just live here.

I'm down with that.

I mean, we'll run out of money pretty soon,

you'll have to turn tricks.

I guess I could hide in the bathroom.

Why do you get to be the pimp?

You're right, you're right.

We'll trade off.

First, we'll have to get you hooked on the dragon

so you don't stray from daddy.

Babe, did you get bit?

No, I think...

I'm being bitten!

- Ah! - You gotta be kidding me!

No, sir, we are 100% clean.

We just had our weekly inspection

if you'd like to see the certificate.

Would you like to see the bedbug?

Because I'm looking at one right now.

Okay, sir.

Unfortunately, they are hitchhikers.

They travel in luggage and clothes,

so for my records,

have you been anywhere that had or has bedbugs?

So they have them too?

No, we have them.

They're with us. What do you mean?

They hitchhike!

Okay, creepy Wayne Michelle did not mention that.

Sorry for the inconvenience,

but I have to ask you to leave.

It's indelicate, I know.

But bedbugs are death to the hotel business.

Yeah, we understand.

Now. You need to leave now.