Undateable

Danny, quick warning...

Nicki will be here any minute,

and things are about to get pretty crazy in here.

If things are about to get pretty crazy in the bedroom,

does that mean that this is gonna be the first time

that Nicki ever sees you completely naked...

not even socks?

I have very cold feet, so I do that for her pleasure.

This is the first time that Nicki came to visit

since she moved, you know?

And I have to get off to a great start,

so what I'm gonna do is, when she gets here,

I'm gonna grab her and make love to her.

You know what? That's actually really confusing

because you literally just said you wanted things

to get off to a great start, so, hmm...

Hey, man. You know what your problem is?

You're making this all about sex, okay?

But you actually love Nicki, all right?

And, yes, I think that love is an emotion

created to sell greeting cards and chocolate-covered candies

and, in some cultures, a chicken.

But you can't greet Nicki like this.

You look like a dude just waiting for sex.

Are you really trying to help me right now,

or are you just messing with my head?

Why can't it be both?

Justin? Justin!

Oh.

Okay. I don't want...

I don't want to have sex.

That... that... that came out wrong.

I do. I-I... you know... you know me.

But, you know, I also love your brain, and I want to...

- you know, I want to get to know your brain. Just... - Okay.

- Baby... - Yeah?

Did Danny mess with your head?

Yeah.

Okay. Okay. Okay.

I just want to throw you over my shoulder

and carry you into that bedroom,

throw a pair of extra socks on those icicle toes of yours,

and just get crazy.

Holy moly.

Uh...

The way you said that was so sexy,

I think I just finished.

Oh. Oh. What the...

Oh! Hey. All right.

All right.

All right, now. Here we go. Come on.

Okay. We are going.

This week

on a very special "Undateable"...

Not that special.

I just wanted to showcase

my amazing dramatic voice.

Stay tuned.

Hey, there's our girl.

Hey!

Oh, my God! Oh!

Ohh.

You guys, I can't breathe.

Oh. She's all right.

By the way, Bursk, that boob you grabbed was mine.

Hey, uh, so, you finally decided

to stop carrying Justin around our, uh...

our house, huh?

Oh, mark my words...

I will find a girl who can do that to me.

And I will put a ring on it.

I'm gonna use your office to, uh, call my mom.

Okay, sexy?

Okay. Hypothetical question

that's not about me in any way.

Let's say, uh, this guy and his girlfriend have sex,

and his girlfriend does some amazing things

that she's never, ever done before.

Uh, do you think that the hypothetical guy

should, uh, freak out?

Relax. Nicki told me that she read something sexy

in a magazine that she wanted to try.

Okay.

Hey, man.

So what? Nicki upped her game.

Whatever. Good for her.

It was a little scary.

Good scary or bad scary?

It was terrifying.

Uh-oh. Somebody's thumb went somewhere.

Hey, lucky for you, I got a move that's, like, so crazy good

that I'm gonna tell you about,

but you got to be insanely flexible, okay?

Just like "The Karate Kid," part of your body waxes on

while the other one waxes off, okay?

I literally fear for Nicki's life while you do it.

Yeah, well, you know what, Danny?

You know what?

I don't need your move because I can...

I can do it, too.

I don't need that move.

Huh?

You look so ugly.

What?

Justin won't tell us what you did in bed last night,

and I got to know.

Well, I think you broke Shelly.

If a girl ever does that to me, I'm-a buy her a ring, too.

Have you got the money to buy all these rings, Shell?

I didn't say it'd be a nice ring.

I can make Leslie cry in six words.

I can make her cry in five.

What the hell are you guys talking about?

Well, every month when I'm hormonal,

they see how quick they can make me cry.

We've taken nature's miracle

of the female reproductive system

and made a bar game out of it.

Yeah, the current record is four words...

"soldier dad's surprise homecoming."

He was dressed as Santa,

and his daughter sat on his lap and said,

"all I want for Christmas is my daddy,"

and he said... he said...

He said, "daddy's here."

Girls and their crying... it's so lame.

That's why I'm staying single.

Yeah, that's not why you're single.

Shell, when was the last time you cried?

Oh, this morning.

I saw a one-armed boy walking a three-legged dog.

God, I love Detroit.

Whatever. I haven't cried since I was 5.

And that's not gonna change

'cause y'all are a bunch of wimps.

I will make you cry.

See, you're emotionally constipated.

And I'm gonna be your all-bran diet.

Hey, man, can I talk to you?

I changed my mind.

I want to know your move.

Did you just stop having sex

so you could come out here and talk to me?

Yes!

You don't know what it's like in there.

I mean, she's putting moves on top of moves.

Now she's flipping around the bedroom.

It's like a damn Cirque du Soleil show in there.

You know what? Lucky for you,

I thought you might want the move,

so I drew up a diagram that explains exactly how...

Hey, man. No.

Maybe you can't have the move right now.

Maybe you were dismissive about the move earlier,

and maybe right now the move

doesn't want to hang out with you.

Stop talking about the move like it's a person.

You know what? The move doesn't like your tone.

All right?

Apologize to the move.

Move, I'm really sorry.

No. Unh-unh.

No, 'cause here's the deal...

I came up with the move when I was in Italy, all right?

So...

You're gonna have to use an Italian accent

to apologize.

Oh, boy.

Move, I feel-a so bad.

No, no.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no. More Italian.

I want you to get your hands up like this

and do it like this-a.

This is how-a true Italians talk... like this,

like they... like they're holding

a little, tiny mouse right here.

When you apologize, apologize to the tiny mouse.

Oh, move-a...

I feel-a so bad.

Make the mouse super tiny. It's too big.

You need to hold a little mouse that was just born...

a tiny, little baby mouse.

Oh, boy.

Move, I-I... so... so sorry, move.

And it's... I'm just... it's so...

What the hell am I doing?!

Just give me the move. Ah! Got it.

All right, take the move, man.

Thank you.

Okay.

Ohh.

Hey, hey, just be smooth, huh?

No problemo.

Baby, you were so amazing last night.

Aww, come on, girl. It's you know how I do.

She's complimenting him, right?

But, like, it's my move that I told him about,

so, in a lot of ways, last night...

I was Justin's penis.

Yeah, I've had dreams about being another man's penis.