The Last Horror Film

Ohhh.

It's awful.

Let's leave. - Weirdo.

- Crazy Vinny, what are you readin' about, Jana?

How's Jana doin', Vinny, eh?

- Ah, leave him alone. - This guy's really crazy,

you know? - Hey, Vinny!

Hey, why don't you stop dreaming, Vinny?

For Christ's sake, wake up and get smart to yourself.

- Jana Bates, sure she's the queen of horror films.

She's fantastic!

Not because of Alan Cunningham, though. He's no director.

Wait till she works with me, then we'll both win an Oscar.

- Lights... Camera... Action!

"The Life of Vinny Durand," final take.

Ladies and gentlemen,

The Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences proudly presents

Mrs. Jana Bates.

And now, ladies and gentlemen,

the award for the "Outstanding Achievement by a Director,"

and this coveted prize, goes to a man of true genius,

a wizard of the cinematic arts, and it is Mr. Vinny Durand.

- Get smart to yourself. Stop dreaming, man.

- Hey, Vinny, when are you gonna make that film

with Jana, huh? - Hey, Vinny?

- Shut up! - Tell us how you feel.

Hey, come on, Vinny.

Get outta here! You're nothin' but a bunch of creeps.

Nothin' but a bunch of creeps!

Come on, Vinny, we wanna talk to you.

Where you goin', now? Vinny, come on back!

Bye-bye, Vinny!

Bye-bye!

Vinny Durand, you're on your way, man.

Cannes Film Festival, here I come.

Hi, Ma.

- Hi. - How are you?

- You're home early. Are you all right?

Yeah, I'm fine. Couldn't feel better.

I got my ticket and I'm goin' to the south of France.

The Cannes Film Festival, Ma!

And I'm gonna make my film with Jana Bates.

- Vinny, stop thinking about those crazy ideas.

You'll only get yourself upset again.

I made baked macaroni. You don't eat right.

More protein, you won't have so many crazy ideas.

- Look, Ma, I don't know why the ideas are so crazy,

you know, just ‘cause I wanna make my film with Jana Bates.

She wouldn't think my ideas are crazy, Ma.

- It's wrong for you to be thinking about Jana Bates day and night.

Why don't you be happy just driving the cab?

Because I got talent, Ma!

I'm gonna be a great director some day!

Don't yell at your mother.

Nobody, nobody's gonna get in my way.

Here's some baked macaroni.

- Oh, thanks, Ma, but I'm not hungry right now.

Please, you understand. - Sure.

- You make some when I come back. Look...

Louie D's gonna take care of the cab,

and, don't worry, he'll give you money and everything, okay?

Why are you doing this, Vinny?

- I don't know, Ma. Why do I have to do anything?

I just have to do my thing.

Just say a prayer for me while I'm gone.

I love you, Mom.

Goodbye.

Oh, Vinny, you're such a dreamer.

- Didn't I tell you, Vinny? I come here for the chicks.

This is the best damn hunting ground I've ever found!

And they all think I'm a rich Texan.

Thanks for the lift, Tex.

- You stick around here, boy, you'll have the time

of your life. - Thanks anyway,

but I've got things to do.

Sure you won't change your mind?

Well, uh, appreciate the lift.

- Oh, hey, man, I really could use a drinking buddy.

I mean, these chicks here always travel in pairs.

Yahoo! Ride them, cowboy!

Whoo-hoo!

I love the movies!

- And now, NOVA Radio, the English language voice

of the French Riviera, brings you the news.

The free world is still in shock

following the unsuccessful assassination attempt

upon the life of President Ronald Reagan.

Doctors attending the 70-year-old chief of state

listed his condition as guarded but expressed optimism

that Mr. Reagan would make a complete recovery.

Meanwhile, reports have leaked from the FBI,

which link the alleged assassin, John Hinkley,

with film actress Jodie Foster.

An FBI source said that Hinkley had written several letters

and placed long distance phone calls to Ms. Foster

at her residence at Yale University.

Hinkley's obsession with Ms. Foster

allegedly began after seeing her in the film "Taxi Driver,"

in which she played a teenage prostitute.

Ms. Foster was unavailable for comment.

This performance is by far the best.

Absolutely brilliant.

Jana Bates is just absolutely the queen

of horror movies.

- Now, NOVA Radio brings you the news.

Locally, the 34th Annual Cannes Film Festival

will get underway today, as once again

the luminaries of the international film industry

pack themselves into that small coastal resort town.

Due to the rash of terrorist acts that have scarred Europe,

most notably yesterday's shooting of Pope John Paul Il in Vatican Square,

festival authorities have increased security precautions.

And now, we switch you to our show business reporter

on the scene, Roving Rona.

This is Roving Rona on the scene.

The hottest ticket in town is an invite

to the private soiree producer Bret Bates

is throwing tonight to honor his star

and once-upon-a-time wife, Jana Bates.

Jana is said to be a front-runner for Best Actress

for her chilling performance in "Scream,"

the smash horror flick produced by Bret Bates

but directed by Jana's new love

and constant companion, Alan Cunningham.

Talk about a love triangle.

Sparks may fly tonight at the Studio Circus.

Who, you might ask, will be around to pick up the pieces

of Jana's career after Bret and Alan fight it out?

All this reporter can say is, "Look out, Jana."

Excuse me, Mr. Bates?

Mr. Bates, do you remember me? My name is Susan Richards.

Sure I do, Susan.

- I'm starring in Stanley Kline's new film.

Hmm-mm.

- I have a project I'd like to discuss with you,

if you've got the time.

I'd like to discuss it with you, Susan.

Mr. Bates, I'm talking about business.

So am I, honey.

- Well, let go of me, I'm not one of your starlets.

I'm not on the beach topless and walking down

the Croisette.

You are too charming, Monsieur Bates.

Good luck, sweetheart.

Yes, it is true, Alan and I are in love,

and I happen to think he's a wonderful director.

- So where does that leave Bret Bates?

- Well, uh... - Mr. Bates

is still Jana's producer.

Perhaps you gentlemen will excuse us now.

We just wanna have a little dance.

Thank you. - Thank you.

- Please let me in. - No, sorry, it is not possible.

Hello.

Hi, bonsoir, hello.

Sorry.

- What about over here? Come on, will ya?

No, no, you cannot go in, no.

Damn it.

Eh, you're a bunch of creeps. Who needs you anyway?

I don't need you, I've been in better places than this!

- Good evening, mademoiselle. I'm doing a study from articles.

I want to examine the psychological effect

of the horror films on the public.

Many people still believe that repeated viewings

of these films is warping the minds of you young people.

Now, my study-- - Hey, Lisa,

come on, let's go to the party.

- Come here! Come here, Lisa!

You little shit.

- You know, Marty, I tell you, the timing

of my film's perfect. Horror's really in right now.

Bret Bates got lucky. Did a couple pictures

with Jana just before the whole fantasy thing really took off.

- Stanley, I know it, and you know it.

Bret Bates is a lucky ass.

As far as I'm concerned, he parades that macho stud number

of his just a little too hard and much too often.

Bet you didn't know he had a thing going

with Greg from my office.

And from what I hear, he hates Alan's guts.

- You agents, you always have to bring it down

to that level, don't you?

You think that's something, Stanley?

You wouldn't believe some of the things I've got on you.

A bunch of decadent bastards.

Who do they think they're dealing with, anyway?

I'm Vinny Durand, man. I'm Vinny Durand.

Someday, they'll be sorry. I don't need their stupid party.

They're gonna be sorry.

- Look at them, pretending like they really like each other.

It's an act just for the photographers.

Deep down, they really hate each other's guts.

I'll tell you something, Lee.

What?

- Bret's gonna get bounced by the two of them for sure.

And that'll make a lot of people happy.

- Hello? - Ms. Jana Bates, please?

- She's not here. - Look, I know she's there.

I've got to talk to her.