Arthur's Whisky

No, I don't want a cup of tea! STOP PESTERING ME!

Gee whiz!

Oh...

Oh!

Yes! (SCREAMING)

I can't believe it...

I'VE DONE IT!

"Loyal, obsessive, inventive

and an enthusiastic tea drinker."

These were some of the words I have heard describe him.

It was, uh, Arthur's time.

There couldn't be a clearer message from the creator

than a lightning bolt from heaven!

And the divine light may have gone out for Arthur,

but not on the good work he did on this earth.

He leaves behind loyal wife Jill...

Jo... Ju... Jo... Joan...

...devoted son...

...and, uh, numerous...

...patents still pending!

Arthur was treasurer of the Amateur Inventors' Society,

a task he performed...

...adequately.

I can't stand it!

Lovely service!

Try and keep busy.

Volunteer!

Have you tried speed Sudoku?

It's very good for the cognitive functions!

Cognitive!

Um, the vol-au-vents are in the hall.

What? Oh, come on!

I've just seen ANOTHER wrinkle!

After the amount of calories I've just burned,

they should have melted by now!

I'm sure they weren't there yesterday

and I'm being smothered by spandex!

You should see it!

I mean, I love spinning class but I'd like to get some results!

Joanie... Joanie, are you there?

Well, how are you holding up?

Yes, I'm all right...

I was gazing at Arthur's coffin

and for a small moment I thought,

"This is going to be unbearably moving."

And then the vicar opened his mouth and all emotion went out the window!

"A task that he performed...

...adequately!"

I agree, yeah!

Talk about unprepared!

I don't think he even knew who Arthur was!

No, he didn't,

but aren't they supposed to do some research and at least SOUND sincere?

Mmm! Mmm! Mm-hm!

What are you doing?

Oh, I'm paying homage to Arthur with a bit of white chocolate!

How we all feeling? You all good?

Yeah?

Right, everyone's warm,

I want you to climb that hill, everyone up!

Let's work!

Good, let's feel that burn!

Let's tone those butts!

Nobody likes a saggy bottom, do they?

Well, why don't you come and take a bite and find out?

All right, ladies, keep going! Oh, God... Oh, God!

Oh!

Careful! I've got you!

Come with me...

Woo! Woo!

Hello!

I've, uh, brought you some donations.

Let's see!

That's a GOOD trench coat!

It's only been worn once!

That's a LOVELY shirt!

It's, um... It's from Savile Row.

You know, in Mayfair!

Has it been cleaned?

Oh, don't be ridiculous, do I look like an old bag lady?

Everything's been washed! Recently?

Within the last three years!

It's just been stuck in the back of a wardrobe, that's all!

I suppose we could recycle some of the materials!

Uh, don't you want your suitcase?

Oh, no, keep it!

Mmm, we can't do anything with it!

Somebody might buy it! It's got no wheels...

Nobody's going to buy it, people want wheels nowadays!

Somebody might want it as a prop for theatre or radio!

There was a time when suitcases didn't have wheels,

when we couldn't just wheel things around with gay abandon,

you can't just write things off like that!

You'll be old one day

and then you'll think...

"I'm an old bag but I don't need any wheels!"

Would you like to sit down?

No, I'm fine.

Oh, please, it's no bother!

No, I'm perfectly capable of standing!

Thank you!

I'd feel happier if you sat down!

No, no, no, no, no! Oh!

I have queued for nine hours at Wimbledon

to get standing tickets on court number one

only to wait another five hours for Andy and Jamie Murray to play doubles

and then for it to be rained off

so I'm not afraid of a bit of standing!

I've spent my life sitting down!

Whoops! Oh!

Deary, deary me!

Oh, dear...

I warned ya!

I'm gettin' off at the next stop!

Oh... Oh, no!

I thought you had a fall, not brain surgery!

Can you suck strawberries through a straw?

Do you know who we are?

Do you recognise my voice?

No... Oh, I think we might have lost her!

Oh!

I'm in the NEXT bed!

Oh! Oh!

Oh!

Excuse us and thank you so much!

Oh, here you are!

Oh!

I made you a strawberry trifle!

Oh! Wae a wee twist!

Let's just get out of here,

Nurse Ratched said you could go!

Oh...

I mean, hospitals, they just gimme the creeps!

It's official, I've turned into a mad person who rants at strangers on the bus

who are only trying to help

AND I suffer from falls!

Look at my medical notes!

"Lost footing, had a fall."

You need to be careful!

I mean, when you're young, you know, you just balance

but now we just kinda splat...

Thank you!

Mmm!

Considering almost NONE of his inventions actually worked,

I came to the conclusion it was his curiosity that drove him.

Oh, you know what you could do,

you could turn the shed into a yoga studio!

Ah! No?

Or I would use it for storing my supersize freezer!

Mmm.

Yeah, Arthur worked in it day and night.

It probably needs INDUSTRIAL sanitisation!

Eww! Right!

Right, there's no time like the present...

Rubber gloves, girls! Rubber gloves!

Oh, my God, what a horrible smell!