The Chair

["Vivaldi: Gloria in D Major, RV 589" playing]

- - What the fuck?

- -

Ah! There she is.

- Woman of the hour. - Morning.

- Hey. - Ah, condolences.

- Oh, thank you. Where's Joan? - I don't know.

Welcome back, everyone.

- Here's a little swag from Dean Larson. - Whoa.

- Our first lady chair. - Woman chair.

Aren't you gonna sit at the head of the table?

Chair sits at the head of the table.

Thank you, Elliot.

- Don't mind if I do. -

Is this green or brown?

Let's try this again. It's lovely to see you all.

In a couple of minutes, we'll know if that was right.

Okay, first order of business...

Bill's not here.

Maybe we could cut him some slack, given his situation.

Bill is sending his daughter off to college. He'll be here any minute.

Hey.

Get your shit together.

I'm gone now, and that's the way it's gonna be for the rest of your life.

Um, you're not... gone.

Yes, I am.

And what happened, happened.

The time when people were, like,

leaving casseroles and whatever at the house, it's over.

Okay. Are you finished?

- Yes, I'm done. - Okay.

I'm not gonna miss you. I'm just gonna miss this guy and this guy.

- Stop. - Goodbye to you and you.

Uh-huh, okay.

Go. Get outta here.

- Text me when you land. - Okay, stalker.

I'm not gonna sugarcoat this. We are in dire crisis.

Enrollments are down more than 30%.

Our budget is being gutted.

It feels like the sea

is washing the ground out from under our feet.

But in these unprecedented times,

we have to prove that what we do in the classroom...

- - ...modeling critical thinking,

stressing the value of empathy,

is more important than ever,

and has value to the public good.

It's true, we can't teach our students coding or engineering.

What we teach them cannot be quantified

- or put down on a résumé as a skill. -

But let us have pride

- in what we can offer future generations. -

We need to remind these young people

that knowledge doesn't just come from spreadsheets or... or Wiki entries.

Hey, I was thinking this morning about our tech-addled culture,

and... and how our students are hyperconnected 24 hours a day,

and I was reminded of something, um, Harold Bloom wrote.

He said,

"Information is endlessly available to us.

Where shall wisdom be found?"

They moved my office to the basement under the gym.

- - What?

All my books, my... my stuff, my drawers, dumped into these open carts

that are sitting on the floor of the basement over there right now.

- - Why would they do that?

I heard a rumor.

They're forcing everybody over 55 to take early retirement.

This is the beginning of the end.

Okay, people. People, let's try not to panic.

Well, it's easy for you to say. You're 51.

I'm 46.

You're kidding.

I want to make you this promise.

I will not allow this department to be ransacked.

This is a list of names.

These folks have the highest salaries and lowest enrollments in your department.

I'm sorry to spring this on you your first week.

- There's no one here who's dispensable. - Oh, come on. These old-timers?

They're averaging five students a course.

I mean, I'm not denying their profound contribution to American letters, but...

I got it!

...we've been offering very generous retirement packages, and...

So, before I bring out the stick,

maybe you could use your persuasive powers as chair.

I've got some ideas on how to increase enrollments.

Now, Yasmin McKay is up for tenure this year.

I wanted to talk to you about giving her the Distinguished Lectureship.

We can't talk about opening any lines, or the Distinguished Lectureship.

Student enrollment was down before. Now it's catastrophic.

Is that why you put Joan in the basement of the wellness center?

How'd that happen? Oh, let me talk to Deb.

Now, listen. I know you, um...

I know you had big plans for this year.

I know this place is antiquated. A lumbering dinosaur.

But you remember when I... when I called you, told you you had tenure?

Remember what I said?

If anyone can bring Pembroke into the 21st century, it is you.

Well...

I just need three names.

Is this Sex and the Novel?

Oh, no, this is Survey of American Letters 1850 to 1918!

My office hours are Tuesdays and Thursdays from 1:00 to 2:00,

but you can really come anytime because I basically live here.

Oh! If any of you are on the wait list, shoot me an email.

Hey. Thank you so much for agreeing to chair my tenure case.

- Ji-Yoon just gave me the news. - Sure.

Are... Are you okay?

Why'd she schedule two American Lit courses at the same time?

Oh, uh, I don't know.

Maybe she thought that our content was different enough.

Sex and the Novel? That's what you're calling this?

Yeah.

You know, actually, I have a list of external reviewers.

Um...

Where is it? Shoot, did I...

Between you and me, he's on the list.

What list?

What if we combined your sections?

You want me to co-teach with the chair of my tenure committee?

I want him to see you in action in the classroom.

He's gonna think I'm his TA.

There's no way he's gonna be able to dismiss you

when he sees how fuckin' brilliant you are!

I already set my syllabus, so...

Listen, when Bill was an undergrad,

Elliot was the one who packed the halls here.

You couldn't even get into his lectures without special permission unless you...

Yeah, and he hasn't updated those lectures in like 30 years.

Still.

He makes or breaks careers.

- - Yaz,

I get it. When I started, it was like,

"Why's some Asian lady teaching Emily Dickinson?"

But we have a real opening here.

You're going up for tenure.

I... I'm chair of this department.

The dean has my back, so let's just get your case through,

and then let's fucking shake this place up.

Shit.

The male adventure narrative?

Sure. Anybody else?

When we talk about the American Renaissance, what...

Okay.

We're playing catch up here since our lectures merged.

- Uh, you wanna help hand these out? - Um, sure.

That's Professor McKay, by the way,

who has graciously agreed to join our class.

Whoo!

Whoo!

Oh...

Professor Dobson?

Are you okay?

"Love is blind. "

Who popularized the phrase?

You can all probably guess.

Chaucer.

Otherwise known as the father of modern English.

You'll be astonished how many images and idioms

from our everyday speech

come to us directly from the 14th century.

You don't have to have an answer.

I... I'm more interested in your questions than your answers.

It's... It's not about having a fixed analysis.

When... When... When I get up in the morning, I'm excited to come to class,

not because I get to teach you, but because I... I get to learn from you.

- Professor Kim... - Mm-hmm.

...would you be willing to sign?

We're trying to put some pressure on the administration.

Oh, isn't this a student petition?

Yeah, but we're trying to get some faculty of color on board too.

Sure thing.

- Is this okay? -

Yeah. Uh, thanks again.

Uh, I'm actually... I'm on the wait list for, uh, Death and Modernism.

Would you mind signing?

- Mm-hmm. - Thanks.

Um, my brother told me you're the reason to come here.

- What's your brother's name? - Jesse Eisenstadt. Remember him?

Um...

In my family, you're like a household god.

"I grow old, I grow old"

"I shall wear the bottoms Of my trousers rolled"

What?