Dave Attell: Captain Miserable

Thank you, D.C. Thank you.

Thank you. Thank you.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Whoo!

Oh. D.C., thank you, Washington, D.C.

on the weekend.

Let's turn the law machine off

and party.

Yeah.

Let's keep partying, 'cause the show's not over

till someone throws up on my dick, all right?

Don't drink and drive, kids.

Mixed messages, I know.

Do not drink and drive.

I've been there, I know how it is.

I've been there. Look at me, I've been there, okay?

I know it.

It gets late, you're drunk,

you're thinking, "What's the worst that can happen?

"I'll hit another drunk driver,

and then we'll just high-five and laugh."

If you drink wine and you think you have a drinking problem,

you don't.

You're gay, okay?

You cannot go to rehab with a wine problem.

No one wants to hear your stories

about going to the Pottery Barn or sailing, antiquing.

You're a fag, okay?

Even the guy who drinks Zima, you're his bitch.

You can't even blame drunk talk on wine.

"Where the whores at?

"Sorry, that's not me.

"That's the Beaujolais. Look at this year.

It's a saucy year."

I used to drink a lot of Jagermeister, mm-hm.

Yeah, I know. You guys did too.

Jagermeister is for children.

It is. It's too sweet. I'm serious.

I give it out on Halloween, that's what I do.

"Here's a shot, go home, find your dad's gun, be somebody.

All right?"

Jager is fun yet disappointing.

It's kind of like running downstairs on Christmas morning

and realizing you're Jewish.

It kinda sucks.

"Where is everybody? Oh, I remember."

Now... Heh-heh-heh.

There's no commercials for Jagermeister.

I've never seen one. Have you? No, I haven't. Right?

There should be some, right?

So you know what you're getting into.

But there aren't any.

But I thought of some. Do you guys wanna hear it?

Do you?

Do you or don't you? You do? Okay.

Commercials for Jagermeister.

A guy comes out of a hedge.

He's covered in mud and blood.

He's holding one high heel shoe.

"Did I just eat a stripper?"

"Jager."

There you go.

To the point. Direct.

How about another one? Can you do another one?

I think you could.

A little girl is sitting on the swing,

not swinging.

A tear rolls down her cheek.

"Where's Daddy?"

"Jager." There you go.

How about a third one?

Can you do another one, you think?

You guys are great. Okay.

A guy, let's call him me,

is fucking the left eye of a pumpkin, okay?

"If that pumpkin didn't want it, why was it smiling at me?"

"Jager."

Yes. Yes.

Yeah. Yeah.

I'm trying to teach. I'm teaching.

I was in the Middle East doing shows for the troops,

and let me tell... Thank you. Well, thank you.

I'm not exactly sure if they enjoyed it,

since I kind of look like every other guy

who's trying to kill them over there.

I'm walking around trying to act very American, you know?

"Where's the pork at? Who's got some pussy?

What's up?"

The Middle East is a very, very religious place.

No one has sex,

but they smell like they just did, okay?

It's not their fault.

It's hot.

I met a local guy over there, something...

I don't know his name, something with a lot of Q's, U's and Z's.

I called him Quiznos.

I said, "Queazy, what's the big hullabaloo...?"

Which is a dessert over there. "What's the big problem?

Why can't we get along?"

He's like, "My friend, you must understand we look at the world

differently than you do in the West."

I'm like, "You're exactly right, Q.

We look at the world through a two-eyebrow system, okay?"

What is up with the monobrow?

Can I get a tweezer for Teen Wolf over here?

Help him out.

Here's my idea for peace:

water parks.

It's a hot place, man.

I don't know about you, but on a hot day, a water park

takes all the mean out of me. I'm a functional drunk.

You put me on a flume, I turn from a total alcoholic

into a giggly little fat man

with my big fat boy tits all wet and pert.

Get these people on a flume!

Get 'em wet, get 'em laughing.

Then we shoot 'em. Now, easy.

Calm down. Calm down.

You go to the Middle East,

what's the first thing you wanna see?

Something you've heard a lot about.

A woman beaten for driving a car, right?

Then you get something to eat. Now what do you wanna do?

Camel ride.

Yeah.

A camel.

You wanna get on him, ride him around.

Put a cigarette in his mouth and laugh at him.

It's a tourist attraction.

Just like when you go to southeast D.C.,

what do you wanna see?

Pregnant crack whore. Yeah.

You wanna see it, ride it, put a cigarette in her mouth

and laugh at her.

"Boo! Problems! Boo!

You insensitive prick. Boo!"

I was just down in Florida, half-business, half-pleasure.

I was putting my mom in a nursing home, and I'll tell...

Relax.

She thinks she's voting. Now...

Florida looks like a gigantic penis, doesn't it?

Have you ever Googled it? It looks like a gigantic peener

about to shoot a load of freedom all over Cuba.

A bukkake of choices and ideas.

"Jager." Now...

I went down to Florida... I went down to Florida, okay?

'Cause it looks like a gigantic penis.

I wasn't on the, uh, you know, Miami, Fort Lauderdale...

I was on the other side. The taint of Florida.

It definitely smelled like balls, that's all I'm gonna say.

All right, anyway, you know, it's like one of those places,

redneck kind of place, where you go into a strip club,

and there's, like, 300 pounds of sad

hanging upside down on a pole, and... You know?

You kinda wanna laugh, but her kids are there cheering her on,

you know what I'm saying?

No, I went down there.

I wanted to see the shuttle go up, you know, our space program.

I wanted to see that. No one was there.

I was the only guy there. Everybody was at NASCAR.

Who's your favorite astronaut?

If you could only fuck one astronaut, who would it be?

Mission Specialist Blah-Ba-Da-Da, I don't know.

But NASCAR, now that's something different.

'Cause going into outer space, that's for nerds.

But driving quickly in a circle...

Who isn't wet?

You know why? 'Cause we're Americans.

And we only like competition, okay? Yeah.

Now, if one shuttle raced another shuttle

into outer space,

and they had stickers and shit on 'em,

and the countdown was done by celebrities,

like DUI celebrities, you know, like a Mel Gibson.

"Ten, nine, Jews." All right?

"The Jews control space."

Were you guys upset when Steve Irwin died?

Were you? Yeah.

You should... Three of you were? One guy wasn't.

'Cause you know what? He didn't die, he was murdered.

Okay? Yes.

The crocodiles put a hit out on him

using the stingray or, as I call it, the Puerto Rican of the sea.

Yeah. Hear me? Hear me.

With its switchblade-like tail

and deliciously big brown eyes.

Where were the dolphins that day?

Our friends in the oceans. The dolphins.

Laughing, smiling. Teaching retards how to swim.

Here's my one retarded story.

I might as well tell you right now.

It's true, so there you go.

I was smoking in a bar. Just smoking. This was years ago.

I don't even know how long ago,

but it was when you could smoke in a bar, all right?

So back then, I was smoking. Not breaking the law. Smoking.

Kid comes up to me, he's retarded, all right?

I think he's retarded.

I know he is.