The Simpsons

D'oh!

-Aah! -(tires screech)

Skinner!

Uh, Superintendent Chalmers!

What's wrong?

Nothing. I just bought myself a car.

Oh. Oh, good.

This will sound crazy

but at first, I thought I'd enraged you again.

-Skinner! -What? What?

Ah, you're getting paranoid.

You know, I used to think a car

was just a way of getting from point "A" to point "B"

and on weekends, point "C," but that was the old me.

That man died the moment I laid eyes on the 1979 Honda Accord.

I've always admired car owners,

and I hope to be one myself

as soon as I finish paying off Mother.

She insists I pay her retroactively

for the food I ate as a child.

Yeah, yeah. That's unfortunate.

Well, Seymour, I make superintendent money

which amply covers both food and car.

Holy jumping Caesar's catfish!

My "H" has been stolen.

Oh, that's how people know it's a Honda.

What's the point of having a Honda

if you can't show it off?

Sir, if you'll just stop yelling at me

I'm sure I can find a replacement.

Here we... I'll just...

Hey! Get away from my car!

-Uh-oh. This way. -Uh-oh.

Eh... morning, Apu.

Good morning.

One doughnut with sprinkles...

Wait a minute, these are not sprinkles, sir.

-What do you mean? -You've clearly taken items

from the candy rack and placed them on top of the doughnut

in an attempt to pass them off as sprinkles.

Well, it was like that when I got here.

-It really was. -A Mounds bar is not a sprinkle.

A Twizzler is not a sprinkle.

A Jolly Rancher is not a sprinkle, sir.

Perhaps in Shangri-La they are, but not here.

-(moans) -(bell chimes)

Thank you. Come again.

Ah, looks like we put the kibosh

on another two-bit telephone swindle, boys.

Frankly, I would have expected better from Jimmy the Scumbag.

Meh.

-Hey, what's this thing? -Huh? Well, that's an auto-dialer.

This bird was using it to pull a telemarketing scam.

But instead, he's going to rot in the slammer

for the next 20 years.

Bread and water, icy showers,

guards whomping your ass round the clock,

and the only way out is suicide.

Telemarketing, eh?

Ha-ha!

Oh, you think this stolen "H"

is a laugh riot, don't you?

Well, I'll tell you something that's not so funny.

Right now Superintendent Chalmers is at home

crying like a little girl.

I guess it is a little funny.

Nonetheless, I will find the culprit.

We'll start with... oh, I don't know...

Bart Simpson.

Um, I don't think you want to look in there, sir.

Balderdash. I'll just stick my head right in...

half a dozen eggs?

Well, that would be the complete dozen.

All right, rather than tempt fate, I'll move along now.

And so we reach the bottom of the barrel,

Nelson Muntz.

The cold, hard process of elimination places the "H"

squarely in your locker.

Ha-ha!

Damn! Dang! Darn!

A principal's ransom in stolen goods.

Well, sir,

who's ha-ha-ing now, hmm?

I don't know, but he's got lethal tuna-breath.

Ooh!

Who does Nelson think he's impressing anyway

acting so cool all the time?

Not me.

All right, Mr. Smartenheimer, that does it.

First, you're going to give back everything you've stolen.

Then I'm sentencing you to one week

of the lowest, most degrading work known to man.

-Janitorial work. -Ah, gee.

I'm standing right here, sir.

Ah, yes. Uh...

Take a good look at him, Nelson,

'cause that's where you're headed.

After you claim your stolen merchandise,

go directly to Mr. Muntz for an apology.

Bite me.

Cram it.

You're dead.

Get bent, ma'am.

Why do you have to be such a pain all the time?

Don't you realize you're getting a bad reputation?

Don't you realize your butt sticks out?

It does not.

-Hey! -Ha-ha!

An automatic dialer? Is that legal?

I don't want you getting arrested, Homer.

I won't.

Or swindling our neighbors.

Let me show you how it works.

This baby has every phone number in town programmed into it.

It automatically calls them one by one and plays my message.

Listen.

Ahoy-hoy?

Greetings, friend.

Do you wish to look as happy as me?

Well, you've got the power inside you right now,

so use it and send one dollar to Happy Dude,

742 Evergreen Terrace, Springfield.

Don't delay.

Eternal happiness is just a dollar away.

Hmm...

one dollar for eternal happiness.

Mmm...

I'd be happier with the dollar.

Now we just sit by the mailbox

and watch the money roll in.

But you're going to annoy thousands of people

just to make a few measly dollars.

It's nothing but panhandling.

Tele-panhandling.

And should there be requests for an encore,

we will reprise "Pop Goes the Weasel."

Otherwise, we will file out quietly.

-(sighs) -(water splashing)

And that's how Willie waters.

Now, you take the hoose.

The moose?

The hoose! The hoose!

Is this right?

Agh, turn off the noozle!

The noodles? What noodles?

The noozle at the end of the hoose.

Miss Simpson?

Do you find something funny about the word tromboner?

No, sir. I was laughing at something outside.

She was looking at Nelson.

She does not.

He does not.

She does not!

Nobody likes Milhouse.

Lisa, you've got detention.

Oh, how does Bart do this every week?

Hey, brainiac. Since when do you get detention?

It's your fault. I accidentally laughed at your immature prank.

Ha! Yeah.

The best part was when he got wet.

Hey, you're doing that the stupid way.

If you use that deal with the five chalks

you'll get done faster.

Thanks, but I prefer the honest way.

Whatever. Smell you later.

Hmm.

Wow, that was a good idea,

and I can't believe it came from Nelson.

He's not like anybody I've ever met.

He's like a riddle wrapped in an enigma

wrapped in a vest.

Sure is ugly, though.

So why can't I stop staring at him?

Oh, no.

I think I'm getting a crush on Nelson Muntz.

Hey, Willie! Catch the football!

All right, I'll--

-(Willie screaming) -(bees buzzing)

-(laughing) -Milhouse, I've never told anyone

this kind of thing before,

but I've never felt this way before.

-I think I have a crush... -(gasps)

Uh, oh, really?

On Nelson Muntz.

Way to drink, Poindexter!

You like Nelson?

But he's a creep,

and he chipped one of my permanent teeth.

But I bet underneath

he's a sweet, sensitive person... like you.

I guess you could say I want to bring out

the Milhouse in Nelson.

But I'm all Milhouse!