The L Word - Fifth Season

Last season on The L Word.

I'm so into you, I can't handle it.

- Are you in? - Yes.

What do you think we should do?

So you like girly girls, huh?

You're a fucking heartbreaker.

You're just dead fucking meat, Jenny Schecter.

I'm sitting here with Jenny's little fucking book,

wondering why you didn't give me a heads-up.

Is it true that one of the characters in this book is based on you?

- I don't like the story. - I want it for Shaolin.

I love Lez Girls.

My agents are here. Tina, you should go talk to them if you wanna do this.

- How's it going with Jenny? - A little challenging.

- I can't talk right now. - You what?

But I'll see you at the meeting this afternoon.

- It's been canceled. - Hello.

- We thought that... - I was completely clueless?

I'm not cut out to live modestly.

I don't know what I would have done if I hadn't met Catherine.

She's just trying to help me learn

- to stand on my own two feet. - No, she's not.

We've been invited to a poker game this evening.

I'm sure your friends will understand.

Making $150,000 together is great, but where is your share?

100,000. I'm in the pink.

You lost your investment.

I have something I have to tell you.

I'm going through a transition. I was born a girl.

I don't date freaks.

I wanna feel your body.

- I don't feel comfortable with that. - I do.

- You're not going to get the... - It's an irreversible decision, you know?

- I think I'm a lesbian, Bette. - Oh.

I can't believe how wonderful this is.

Alice, we have to let her down easy.

- Nobody ever broke my heart before. - No one has ever died of a broken heart.

You want to take all of our life together and just throw it in the toilet?

Yes.

- I made that appointment. - I know it's the right decision.

I love you.

You're fucking the nanny behind my sister's back?

I would have fired Hazel if he hadn't have ended it.

You would have fired Hazel?

Lying, low-down, nanny-fucking motherfucker.

God damn you!

I'm your home now, okay?

I'm going back to Oregon this afternoon

- and I'm taking my son home with me. - You can't do that.

I'm his father.

When I get too close to someone, I push her away,

and I don't trust myself to not do that to you.

- You were good. - So were you.

The class I was going to take...

Maybe we should talk about taking it together.

Can we all just get along? Oh, my God!

Do you think we should go on a date?

I wasn't going to fall for anybody while I was back.

- Are you going somewhere? - My unit's being mobilized back to Iraq.

You're much naughtier than I thought you would be.

I've been plenty dirty.

I think I could fall in love with you.

- I love you so much. - Did you just say that you loved me?

I miss you so much sometimes.

What are you going to do to get her back, Bette?

Catherine, go fuck yourself.

They fired me from the movie.

It's just you and the pariah, Sounder.

Hey, where's Jenny?

I'm leaving in two weeks.

I still love you.

You'd better not break my heart.

Jim, please don't leave me in the room with all of these.

- Hi. - Hi.

Jesse, can I get you a drink? Margarita? Strawberry dykequiri?

I'm... I'm not...

Oh, I actually see my boyfriend, Jim, so I'm going to go. Excuse me.

- Wow, she is something. - She is fucking hot.

- Do you think she could be... - No, no, no. Too pretty, too feminine.

- I don't know, I'd be happy to... - Taste the fruit?

Peel it, section it and squeeze the juice with her.

- Get in line, sister. - Please.

Oh, I'm sorry, baby.

As long as you share her with me.

We love the preschool art curriculum.

We want Angelica to grow up surrounded by art.

We want art to be part of her everyday experience.

I mean, essentially, our house is a gallery.

We have a collection that we rotate weekly,

so that she can be acquainted with as many artists as possible.

- How wonderful for Angelica. - Yeah.

- Hello. - Hi.

We had a nice time in playgroup, didn't we, Angie?

Angie put together the Cow Jumps Over the Moon puzzle.

Well, she loves puzzles.

We actually have a woman in the moon puzzle

that was made especially for Angie by the artist Julia Condon.

She's one of our favorite artists.

Isn't Auntie Julia one of our favorite artists, sweet pea?

- Yeah, play. Yes, you're playing. - That's wonderful.

Does one of you have a deaf family member?

Oh, I...

We have a friend who's deaf, and she just picked it up from her.

We think she has an aptitude for languages.

- Yeah. She knows Frère Jacques by heart. - Yeah.

I'm so sorry. It just slipped out.

Look, I think it works in our favor that we're a lesbian family.

You know, I think we score diversity points for that.

I just...

I don't think they're ready for a divorced lesbian family.

- You know? - Yeah.

Do you think it was all right

that I sort of let them think that we're still together?

I think it was a little white lie told for the greater good.

Oh, shit, they're here.

- Hi. - Hey, girls.

Looks like we're on the same preschool party circuit.

- Yeah. - Yeah.

- How was your interview? - Great.

- Fantastic. - It was really great.

We think we stand a good chance.

First of all, Ed's a Christian and I'm Muslim. Lucas is adopted.

He's half Jewish, a quarter Latino and a quarter Chinese.

Wow. Well, I think we probably have a pretty good shot.

Bi-racial daughter of lesbian moms. There's got to be a niche somewhere.

And Rowena,

she loves that Jamal teaches English as a second language.

- You spoke with Rowena? - Yeah, we met her last summer

at Geffen's party. She wants David on the board,

and she knows we're close with him.

She told us not to even bother with the director of admissions.

Rowena makes all the decisions, but I'm sure you know that.

- Yeah. - Yeah.

Anyway, good luck, and good luck.

- Thanks. - Bye, Lucas.

So, I finally reached some secretary who was, like,

"Mrs. Peabody is abroad

"and doesn't want to be reached unless it's a total emergency."

Didn't you say her daughter's in jail?

I said, "I know Mrs. Peabody's a broad, and not a very classy one."

Hey, Phyllis, are you ready? Can we do this?

Yeah. How's my makeup look? I don't want to wear too much lipstick

and look like one of those lipstick lesbians.

- Yeah, no, you're a total stone butch. - Stone butch.

- I'm studying the lingo. - Well, good for you.

Whether you're a stone butch or a lipstick lesbian,

you're looking pretty foxy, Phyllis. All right, girls, good luck today.

- Thanks again. - You got it.

Hey, whoa, where are you going? You can't go yet.

No, no, no. I have to. Paige found an apartment.

If I like it, we're going to sign the lease.

See you. I'll come visit you later, though, Kit. I promise.

Great. Please, somebody tell me she ain't going to go through this?

- It's the biggest disaster. - What's a disaster?

Shane's moving in with Paige and her son. They're signing the lease today.

- That's wonderful. - When I see her and Paige together,

- I don't see Shane on fire. - No?

But you can't tell a book by its cover. I mean, look at me and Joyce.

Save that for the podcast.

- Okay. - Okay. Max, are we ready?

Yeah. We are rolling.

Oh.

Hello. Welcome to Alice in Lesboland. It's a bi-weekly podcast

for bisexual and sapphically-inclined ladies and their friends,

and we're coming to you live from The Planet

here in West Hollywood.

I'm Alice Pieszecki and my guest today is Phyllis Kroll.

She's a beautiful and accomplished

senior vice chancellor of California University,

and she's going to tell us today about coming out

in, shall we say, mid-life.

How do you do? Helena Peabody.

I don't expect I'll be here very long.

We've been trying to get a hold of my mother,

you see, otherwise, I wouldn't be here at all.

You know, I'm sure that

as soon as we get in touch with her, I'll be...

- That's my bunk. - Oh. Oh, okay.

Yeah.

- Oh, but, Joyce. I have a new love. - Right, your ladylove, Joyce.

Yeah, she's really wonderful. We ha ve so much in common.

Yeah.

Opera, ballet, the arts, philosophy, and the sex.

Oh, the sex is the best ever.

Well... Ever?

I mean, they say your coming-out affair is usually the most unforgettable.

Oh, that was kindergarten, preschool compared to what Joyce and I are doing.

The work I'm doing with Joyce is more like a post-graduate thesis, you know.

But, listen, you were...

- I'm listening. - You were sweet.

Sweet? I'm sweet?

- A little vanilla, a little vanilla. - What? Ouch.

Vanilla? Really? Vanilla?

Vanilla sex, conventional sex.

What the culture regards as standard or regular sex.

I know vanilla. I know what that means.

- So have you guys U-Hauled? - U-Hauled?

Yeah, well, it's a lesbian ritual. You date for a couple of weeks, maybe,

and then you rent a U-Haul and you move in.

U-Hauled. That's a good one. U-Hauled...