Doogie Howser, M.D.

My heart's melting.

Come here, my little bambino.

Let me hold you in my arms.

You shouldn't be doing this.

I know.

That's what makes it so hot.

It's wrong.

It's sick.

It's kind of perverted.

Not yet, but I'm working on it.

Vinnie, I can't.

This is my parents' bedroom.

Yeah, and it's about time I saw a little action.

Oh, you're so disgusting.

Come on, Janine.

This is the best room in the house.

This is like a paradise.

We got a king-size bed, state-of-the-art home entertainment center.

How would you feel if this was your parents' bedroom?

Are you kidding?

My father's idea of bedtime entertainment is a can of Pringles on a nightstand.

Just relax.

I'll feel guilty enough for the both of us.

Yeah.

Oh, my God.

Tax?

I'm trying to talk about the shopping trip, and you're talking about... Mom!

Dad!

Hi, Princess.

You're home early, honey.

Hi, honey.

Do you want to fix us some dinner, sweetheart?

I'm starving.

Well, why don't we go out to eat?

No.

We just got home.

Well, I know, but we never do anything as a family anymore.

Okay, okay.

Is that okay with you?

Fine.

Fine.

Just let me freshen up a bit.

Oh, great.

I feel so dirty bumping up against all those shoppers.

Mom!

Is something the matter, honey?

No.

Nothing.

Let's not go anywhere fancy, okay?

I don't want to bother with a coat and tie.

We could always try that new Italian place.

You're looking a little disheveled, sweetheart.

Maybe you should take a minute and freshen up yourself.

Good idea.

I'm feeling a little unfresh.

I'm glad Janine is spending more time at home instead of hanging out with a poisoned dwarf.

Oh, Howard, could we please have one evening where we do not discuss Vinnie Delpino?

I'm just making a comment.

Well, it's becoming an obsession.

I'm not obsessed.

I'm fascinated.

I'm fascinated as to how our daughter managed to find the only Italian hood in all of Brentwood.

It could be worse.

How, Nancy?

Bonasera, Mrs. Stilwick.

Ah!

The surgery was to correct a congenital defect known as metatarsus varus,

or in layman's terms, clubbed feet.

I was assisting Dr. Friedman.

And the procedure was a success?

Well, we still have to remove the cast, but we have every reason to be confident.

Dr. Howser, can you tell us, in your own words, what happened the following week?

Pao Yang's parents came to see me.

They were very upset.

They wanted to suspend treatment immediately and to discharge their son from the hospital.

What was your reaction?

Well, I was stunned.

Pao Yang also has a congenital hip problem, and we had planned further surgery.

Did they give you a reason for this decision?

Apparently, it has something to do with their religious beliefs they practiced in Laos.

They felt that the surgery was offending the spirits.

Spirits?

You mean like banshees and goblins?

Your Honor, I don't think there's any call for that kind of sarcasm.

I apologize, Your Honor.

Dr. Howser, just tell us factually what happened.

Um, two days after the surgery on Pao's feet, his mother suffered a miscarriage.

The family was told by a holy man from the Hmong community that they had been cursed.

That the miscarriage was punishment for allowing doctors to meddle with God's work.

How did you feel about that?

Well, I was angry.

I mean, these people were choosing to put their religious beliefs before the welfare of their son.

I have no further questions.

Dr. Howser, are you aware that if the Department of Children's Services has its

way, Pao Yang will be taken from his parents?

Only for the duration of the medical treatment.

How long will that take?

A few months.

Maybe a year.

A year?

In a foster home?

I don't know if you're familiar with Hmong culture, Dr. Howser,

but there are very close-knit, family-oriented people.

Have you considered the psychological damage such a move could cause?

Your Honor, Dr. Howser is a physician, not a psychiatrist.

I withdraw the question.

Let me ask you another.

In your opinion, is this surgery urgent?

Well, if you mean... I mean what is usually meant by urgent.

Is Pao Yang's life in danger?

I'm more concerned with the quality of his life.

I didn't ask you about the quality of his life, Dr. Howser.

Well, I'm concerned about it.

You're condemning this boy to a life where he could develop crippling arthritis.

Dr. Howser, confine yourself to answering counsel's questions.

Dr. Howser, is Pao Yang's life in danger?

No.

No further questions.

I don't doubt the sincerity of the doctor's intentions, nor their testimonies

that surgery would improve the child's condition.

Nevertheless, it's clear in every other respect that this child is cherished by his family.

And it's obvious from the conversation I've had with him that he cherishes them.

There's a real danger he would suffer serious emotional damage if he was taken from them.

In light of this, and because...

his condition is not life-threatening, I must reluctantly order that further surgery be discontinued.

We're adjourned.

20-minute recess for the next case.

We went the extra mile.

But it's nuts.

And there's no need for this kid to suffer.

There are different kinds of suffering.

The family's attorney made a very good point about the pain involved for this

child and being separated from his parents.

When you're older, you'll understand.

That's not something I want to understand.

Yesterday, it was behind the windmill at mini golf.

Today, it was the happy bubbles laundromat.

I've got a sinus infection from breathing in all that fabric softener.

I couldn't even kiss because I was sneezing so hard.

Have you tried talking to your father, Janine?

You don't talk to my father.

You listen to my father.

Well, it's not very smart for him to forbid you to see Vinnie.

Oh, I can see Vinnie.

I can see him as much as I like, as long as I drop out of college,

give up my clothing allowance, live on the streets, and pay my parents back for my braces.

He's only making things worse.

Absolutely.

Katherine.

Well, sweetheart, that's exactly what happened to us.

What happened to you?

My father wasn't exactly bowled over by Dr. Howser.

Oh, yeah?

Well, how did you work it out?

We muddled through somehow.

They eloped.

Really?

Yeah.

Wow, that is...

so cool.

It's hard to imagine you guys doing anything that romantic.

We've had our moments, Janine.

I'm late.

I've got a one O'clock with Vinnie at the Westwood Cemetery.

We're meeting behind Marilyn Monroe's crypt.

Oh, how very seductive.

This isn't funny, Doogie.

I hate sneaking around.

I feel cheap and devious and dirty.

I feel cheap and devious and dirty.

It's wonderful.

You can get right down to it.

Bam!

No checking out the mood, no complimenting her on her outfit.

I don't think you were ever big on the social graces, Vin.

No, I'm serious.

You know, I'm really starting to understand why people fool around.

I mean, just knowing you could get caught makes you so...

so horny.

In fact, this could be the best thing that ever happened to us.

Yeah, I've seen it in the movies.

When a relationship is forced underground, the woman has

this need to prove just how much she'd do for her man.

Ba-da-boom.

Well, don't get your hopes up.

Dude, my hopes have been up since I was nine.

Vincenzo!

Love pedal!

I was going crazy just pacing around my bedroom.

I know, baby, it's torture being apart.

There's nothing I wouldn't do for you.

There's nothing I wouldn't do for you either.

Really?

I've been thinking, Vinnie.

I realized we've been left with only one alternative.

Well, you don't know how long I've waited for you to say that, Janine.

He's driven us to it.

We have no choice.

No choice whatsoever.

We need to prove how serious we are about each other.