Family Guy

It seems today that all you see

Is violence in movies and sex on TV

But where are those good old-fashioned values

On which we used to rely?

Lucky there's a family guy

Lucky there's a man who positively can do

All the things that make us

Laugh and cry

He's... a... Fam... ily... Guy!

Go, Stewie!

Ha! Isn't this exciting?

Yeah, but I don't like little Kyle Kaepernick

kneeling during the national anthem.

Boo! Get on your feet!

Boo! Down in front.

Okay, need to stay focused.

What are those for?

Power songs that get me focused.

The wheels on the bus go round and round

All through the town.

It's the same thing Ryan Lochte listens to before a race.

Stewie, you're taking this way too seriously.

It's a meaningless event, like a bar mitzvah.

Today you are a man.

- Great. Can I drive? - No.

- Can I vote? - No.

- Can I drink? - No.

- Can I have sex? - No.

- Can I cash the checks? - Yes!

Lois, why'd we got to come here?

This place is a bunch of rich snobs.

We have lunch with my parents twice a year.

Consider yourself lucky.

Under normal circumstances,

you'd never be allowed in a place like this.

Griffin, come on. They're waiting for your order.

Sorry. Do you have oysters?

- We do not. - Aw, shucks.

Damn it, Griffin, you've been staring at that menu

for five minutes, and you peed your pants.

Um, do you have oysters?

Get up. They have to clean the chair.

Hey, Brian, you don't have a metal detector on you, do you?

Okay, Stewie, you got a medal. Way to go.

Do I sense a hint of jealousy?

Stewie, didn't it strike you as odd

that everyone got a medal?

You didn't win anything. It's a participant medal.

They give 'em to every kid with a pulse.

And like every other medal or award you've ever gotten,

it means nothing.

What?

Stewie, I-I'm sorry.

I-I shouldn't have said that. I lost my temper.

Slow down!

No, no, no, no, no.

How could I be such a fool?

This is a wall of lies.

And that's a hole of lies.

Everything I've ever won is worthless!

Aah!

You won't make a fool of me any longer.

Oh, no! It's all right, Stewie.

Stay calm. This is why we have a house fire captain.

Okay, when I read your name, please respond with a "here."

- Griffin, Mac. - It's Meg.

Sorry, it looks like "Mac."

- Griffin, Liam. - It's Lois.

Again, please respond with "here."

Oh, my God, Chris is still in there!

Somebody save Chris!

You know what? He's earned that.

God, look at this place.

Our whole house is destroyed.

Oh, here comes the insurance guy.

Everyone start crying about losing your new golf clubs

and Grant Wood's American Gothic.

Oh...

my new golf clubs with the titanium shafts.

Oh, my classic depiction of the austere steadfastness

of rural America!

You know, I don't care. It's not my money.

Oh.

Peter, I spoke with my parents,

and we can live with them until our house is fixed.

Great. It's gonna suck worse than Mueslix.

You know, the German health cereal?

Guten Morgen. Try me.

I am made of oats and fiber.

Okay. Sounds healthy.

Ja. Also, I am German

and wouldn't mind watching you crap.

- Uh, I don't know. - Come, come.

It will be mine and yours little secret.

Just the two of us. Please, take me home.

Uh, okay. But just you.

I don't feel safe now.

Stop talking! Concentrate on the pooping!

Mueslix, the weird European cereal

that likes to watch you poop.

Aw, why we got to stay with your parents?

You know, sometimes I get the feeling

they don't respect me.

Thank you for not interrupting my bit.

Come on in.

Wow, check out this media room.

Maybe you burning down the house wasn't so bad.

My actions were justified.

I'd been fed a massive societal lie

in the form of participant awards.

Hey, kids, how would you like to hear this on the screen

instead of the great show you came to see?

That's what you sound like. Honest.

Please cooperate and do your part

in keeping this theater quiet, so everyone,

including you, can enjoy it.

Remember, lots of adults and kids, too,

paid admission to enjoy the show.

We must insist on absolute quiet.

Otherwise, we will be forced to evict

all disturbance makers from the theater.

Those asked to leave today will be refused admission

to this theater in the future.

Thank you.

Wow, what a dick.

Good evening, I'm Tom Tucker.

I've deleted all my old tweets,

so don't even bother looking for bad stuff.

Screen grabs can be faked.

But, first, it's that time of year again

for the annual Quahog Pie Cook-off.

The winner will take home the coveted Pie Champ trophy.

Brian, this could be my chance to finally win

a legitimate award.

- You think you're up to it? - Of course.

I just have to apply myself.

Like Chris, when he worked at that casino.

No more bets. The money that could have gone to your kids

is gone. No more bets.

The money you worked hard for is gone.

Fools, fools, fools.

Ooh, double zero. Nobody thinks about that one.

And guy walks quickly away from table without a word,

replaced by an older white man with a much younger black woman.

No more bets. No more bets.

Brian, are you ready for my grand creation?

- Serve it up, bitch. - Well, that was uncalled for.

But get ready to be wowed.

What the... This is mud.

Yes. It's a mud pie.

I used Legos for the fruit.

Stewie, you can't submit this. It's inedible.

Okay, now I know you're full of crap,

because everyone else loves it.

Mmm, num-num-num-num-nah.

So delicious, Stewie.

Best pie ever.

Wow! Tastes great, Stewie.

Mmm, so good.

Boy, oh, boy, oh, boy.

Not so hammy, Meg. He's not an idiot.

Stewie, can't you see they're faking it

to make you feel good?

What are you talking about?

Wow!

Mmm. Num-num-num-num-nah.

So good.

We must insist on absolute quiet.

My God, you're right.

They're all just lying to protect my feelings.

This pie is garbage!

And the contest is next week. I have to drop out.

No, you don't. You just got to do the work.

Stewie, you're a smart kid.

I know you can bake a pie, and I'll help you.

You will? Thank you, Brian.

This calls for champagne.

Pop.

Glug, glug, glug.

Bottoms up.

Go with it.

Ugh. Korbel?

- It's not Korbel. It's... - Go with it.

Yes, I had some left over from Denise's wedding.

- Who's Denise? - Go with it.

Fine. How is Denise? Did she have the abortion?

- Abortion? - Go with it.

No, her alarm didn't go off, so she missed it.

So, Brian, is this your first orgy?

Not going with it.

Peter, would you like to join us in a parlor game?

Parlor game?

Lois, why do you always start talking like a snob

when you're around your parents?

What? It's the way I was brought up.

I know, let's play "The Minister's Cat."

I don't know what that is.

It's simple. In alphabetical order. Go.

The minister's cat is an affable cat.

The minister's cat is a boisterous cat.