Freaks of Nature

This is Friday night in my hometown.

Those guys behind me are actually my neighbors.

What is it that you want to be?

I gotta go.

It's in a million pieces.

I gotta show you

Brains.

So, why is everybody so mad?

And how did I get stuck with these two freaks?

Well, the aliens showed up.

Okay, let me back up.

I'm telling you, this thing with Lorelei is about to happen.

I can feel it in my bones.

- Bones? Yeah, that would be cool. - You're not even listening.

You never listen to me. You're supposed to be my friend.

What? Look, Lorelei doesn't like you like that.

If she did, she'd have given it up by now.

I'm saying, I think she does. I feel like we're right on the cusp.

She's been coming over to my house more and more lately.

That's because she stashes her weed at your house.

- How did you know that? - Because her dad's a Christian Scientist

and because everyone calls you her "weed locker."

No.

- People really call me that? - All the time.

- It makes me look like an idiot. - Pretty much.

And what do you say to them? You back me up, right?

No.

- Parminder... - What?

That's your job as a friend, is to make me look good when people...

- Jesus! - Are you kidding me?

Dude, you're a terrible friend.

Okay.

Maybe she has me hold her weed as an excuse to keep coming over.

- Did you think about that? - No.

That's probably it. Her body language has been super cuspy lately.

- Well, if it's been super cuspy, then... - Hey, hey, Lor.

Yeah, that cuspiness was palpable.

Shut up.

Boo.

- Oh, God. Hey, Milan. - Hey, Petra. How's it going?

- Good. How are you? - Good.

- Tonight's the night. - Yeah. Yeah, I can't wait.

Your first vamp party. You're going to love it.

Mmm-hmm.

So, I heard that vamp parties can be kind of rough. Is that...

- Hey, that's my locker there. - Fuck off.

Look, if you're too scared, we don't have to do this.

What? No, I'm not scared.

- That's my special girl. Come on. - Okay.

- Hey, if I could just get into my locker. - I said, "Fuck off!"

- Oh, we should... - Come on.

Don't ever get in my way again, pussy.

Come on.

- Mr. Keller? - The teachers' lounge.

- What? - I'm in the teachers' lounge.

Teachers' lounge.

Teachers' lounge.

Teachers' lounge.

For the love of Pete. If you finish a pot of blood, please put another one on.

Can we all do that? We can all do that.

Look at this.

Mr. Keller, I just had one quick question about my paper.

I think there's been an error in the grading.

Oh, let me guess. You think there's been an error in the grading

because in your mind, you wrote a wonderful essay

yet you still received a failing grade. Is that it?

That's correct. Um...

And I'd like you to change it.

Don't you get it, Ned? Not everything in your life is under your control.

Sometimes people don't do what you want them to do.

Sometimes you vink at them and they don't vink back.

- What's a vink? - It's a cruel world is my point.

It's best you learn that now before you get the wrong idea. Okay?

And the donuts are gone? The donuts are gone? Huh?

We couldn't save one donut? Not one donut?

No, I don't want your quarter of a donut! I want a full donut!

Don't you dare. Don't you fucking dare!

Unbelievable!

Come on, man! For the love of shit!

God damn it.

So, you were saying something about deliberately misgrading my paper

to teach me a lesson?

Ned, I'm so sorry. It's just that most of the kids that go to this school...

I would love to chain all of them to their lockers

in a manner that would make sure that they would not escape.

And then just roll sticks of dynamite. Like, old-fashioned dynamite.

Just roll it down the hall and blow up the school.

And then I would spare a couple of faculty. Not this motherfucker.

I should fucking eat you!

But you, you're amazing, Ned.

You're possibly the best student I have ever had

in the 97 years of teaching at this godforsaken shit-stain of a school.

Wow.

And that's the reason that I...

I have to just strangle your dreams and break you as a being.

I don't understand.

This essay is a masterpiece, Ned.

It should be framed and put in some museum that's dedicated to great essays.

And I can't tell you how much joy it gives me that there's an F there.

That F stands for "Fun."

My fun.

Dude, it's crazy. Look, when she's looking into my eyes, it's like time stops.

She never looks into your eyes.

Look, man, you need to just shut the fuck up and do something about it.

- Okay, like what? - I don't know. Go caveman on her.

Just club her over the head,

drag her back to your cave, and just... Argh!

You're so violent.

All right, well, then next time you see her, just grab her thigh.

- Just grab her thigh? - Enjoy your riblet.

This is Lorelei, okay? I'm not just gonna grab her thigh.

You know what? Last weekend, I grabbed Kathy Murch's thigh.

She sat on this face, bro. I gave her a nose job.

Okay, number one, I don't even know what that means.

Number two, Kathy Murch is a slut.

Man, stop judging people.

Unless you like her.

- I kind of do. - You like her?

Can I get some gazpacho?

There's no brains here.

Would you look at that?

Oh, Jesus.

Oh, yeah! I'm definitely hitting that.

We're playing you B-squad bitches today.

I'll probably go yard at least twice and chicks dig the long ball.

Hell, I'll probably go three times if Coach puts in that bitch, Parminder.

I'm sitting right here.

Hey, Petra. I hear you're going to the vamp party tonight.

I've always wanted to go to a vamp party.

That's because you're a total wampire, Leonard.

Am not.

Can I come with you? We can take my dad's Kia.

Yeah, I would, but I'm actually kind of going with Milan.

Shut up. Milan Pinache? That's huge.

Oh, my God. Look at her face. She's totally going to fuck him.

Yeah, you better jimmy up.

If you actually knew him, you'd realize Milan's really sweet.

Cockblock me again and they'll never find your body.

Your brother is such a dickbag.

I know.

Thank you.

The first pitch I'm throwing to Chaz, fastball.

- Burn it in. - Oh, shit!

- What? - Rick's here.

Yeah, he's sponsoring the team this year.

The fuckbag fired my mom and every time I see this asshole, he brings it up.

Come on, man.

Whatever. He probably won't even recognize me.

Here you go, son.

The Malphasta Corporation welcomes you to the Wolves.

Congratulations.

Hey! I know you. You're, uh, Peg Parker's boy.

- Bug? Bag? Tag? - My name's Dag.

- Doug. Yes, right. - Dag.

Your mom was such a spark plug. Peg Parker. What's she up to nowadays?

Oh, she's good. She's just around the house.

Oh, how long has she been unemployed?

Um, since she left the factory.

And why did she leave the factory again? Wait, wait, I think I have the answer.

- Because I fired her. - Yeah. You fired her.

She shouldn't have tried to unionize my zombies.

- Yeah, can I get a uniform? - That's the whole idea.

- Can I get a fucking uniform? - Parker!

That was uncalled for.

Come here, son. I want to talk to you.

Come here. Listen.

I understand.

You know, I remember what it was like to be in high school. It's tough.

Especially for a big, tall, freaky motherfucker like you.

- I'm fine with it. - Okay, okay.

- I like my body. - All right.

Let me help you out. A word of advice.

Stop concentrating on the negative. All right?

Look at the bright side. You get to spend more time with your mom.

And I have a new secretary who I have sex with.

With my penis.

Lots of people have sex with their penises.

Seeing as how I paid for this field,

Coach Pulcifer asked me to come down here today and say a few words,

so here I am.

I want you to look into the eyes of the boy sitting next to you. Go ahead, do it.

And repeat after me.

"You are not my teammate."

You are not my teammate.

"You are not my friend."

You are not my friend!

"You are my enemy"

"and must be destroyed."

You are my enemy and must be destroyed!

Chill, dude.

Winners and losers, boys. That's what makes America great.

Look at me. When I first came to Dillford, the meat plant was underperforming

and I drove an '04 Ford Taurus.

But now the riblet is the crown jewel of the Malphasta Corporation

- and I drive a red Porsche Boxster. - Whoo!

How? I fired the dead weight and brought in cheap zombie labor.

Why? Because I came here to win.

Out of the 25 boys seated here today

23 of you will go on to lead completely inconsequential lives.

For the other two boys, it'll be a different journey.