Family Guy

It seems today that all you see

Is violence in movies and sex on TV

But where are those good old-fashioned values

On which we used to rely?

Lucky there's a family guy

Lucky there's a man who positively can do

All the things that make us

Laugh and cry

He's... a... Fam... ily... Guy!

Good evening, Quahog. Our top story:

a local Yankee fan's dream comes true

when he's diagnosed with Lou Gehrig's disease.

But first...

Hey, the TV went out.

Huh.

Oh, my God, the Wi-Fi is out.

Okay, everyone calm down.

I know how we'll get through this.

This is the story of the greatest trilogy ever told,

The Mighty Ducks.

It was a time of great nonsense.

Dad, why don't you tell us how you and Mom

fell in love and got married?

And in go the earbuds.

Terrific episode idea, Meg.

Well, it was the 1990s,

the decade of Viagra but also Lorena Bobbitt,

so it was kind of a yay-boo period for penises.

After graduating, your mom and me moved to the city

with all our friends.

I lived with my best friends, Quagmire and Cleveland.

We were the kind of friends who were all good-looking,

except for David Schwimmer.

And your mom lived across the hall

with her friends Bonnie and...

uh, Bonnie.

God, we desperately need to get

more female characters in this show.

I was the Chandler.

Not because of my sarcastic zingers

but because I liked to take 40 Vicodin a day.

Guys, I've got big news.

Tell 'em, Quagmire.

I got a promotion at Blockbuster!

Gleonard Quagmire, that is fantastic news!

I know, right? You know how I always felt

like I was stuck in second gear?

Well, this is a new gear!

Well, congratulations, Glenn!

This calls for a fountain dance.

I was the least graceful at fountain dancing.

I just swung my arms and tried to fit in.

It was senseless. We were in our clothes,

for God's sake. Everyone got wet.

It was cold. You know,

there were originally nine friends,

but three of 'em died of pneumonia.

I'm still haunted by Chad's shivering last words,

"Don't let Monica get Botox."

We also hung out at our favorite café, Perk Place,

where we would all sweat like crazy

'cause everyone in the '90s wore turtlenecks,

vests, and Jamiroquai hats.

Lois, you look down. What's wrong?

Brad Pitt broke up with me in a pretty public way.

I just don't know if I'll ever date again.

Wait, I thought you and Dad dated in high school.

Did you break up?

Uh-uh, story's not over, Meg. Settle down.

Your father and I had dated for a few years,

but I didn't know if it was going anywhere.

So we decided to take a break but remained close friends.

I actually briefly dated one of our roommates, Barry.

He was one of them what the fountain took.

My father had planned out my whole life for me.

He wanted me to marry one of Quahog's up-and-comers,

Tom Tucker, Elmer Hartman,

Seamus or Billy Zane.

It's meeting the man of my dreams

And then meeting his beautiful wife

And isn't it ironic

Don't you think?

It's like rain...

On your wedding day.

Alanis Morissette was America's sweetheart in the '90s.

She went on to become one of the CDs in the garage.

Wait, Seamus had arms and legs?

Chris, I'm not sure you have the green light

to just chime in whenever.

Lois, let's go take a midnight swim at Sharkbite Cove.

Oh, sounds wonderful, Seamus,

but I have other plans.

Okay, well, I'm definitely going.

Peter, why don't you admit it?

You still got the hots for Lois.

It's obvious.

Nah, we're broken up. We're just friends now.

Looking back, I realize he was right.

But the '90s was an exciting time,

and we wanted to experience all it had to offer.

Hey, guys, there's a great concert

in World Trade Center Plaza this weekend!

Really? Who's playing?

They got Korn, Cranberries and Cake.

Oh, that sounds delicious. But who are the bands?

They're opening with Cake.

Wait, shouldn't cake be last? It's a dessert.

Korn is last. Korn is a bigger draw than Cake.

Corn is not a bigger draw than cake.

- Cake is delicious. - "No Doubt"?

Well, I'm glad you agree with me, Quagmire,

but that still doesn't address this issue of the order.

My last show was a Weezer concert.

Well, that's 'cause everyone smokes nowadays.

What band did we see last time at the Palladium?

It was, uh, Blur.

Yeah, I can't remember, either.

It was a very confusing time in music.

Okay, time for another scene.

Let's transition with a '90s guitar sting

that's way too long.

- Dad, what... - H-Hang on, Chris.

It's not done yet.

Okay, there we go.

What'd you do for a living, Dad?

What any of us did never really mattered.

It was just "vague business."

But despite having broken up,

I would sometimes sneak away to the Internet

to go flirt with your mom.

Well, I'm gonna go move my bangs with my pinky

in front of the mirror.

- Welcome! - Shh, shh, shh, shh!

- You've got mail! - Okay, good, but quiet.

You've got male porn!

Shh, shh, shh!

Peter, quit trying to flirt with that clearly girlfriend of yours

and come watch giant box TV with us!

We all watched The X-Files,

which would be Fox's last hit show.

And it was the heyday of the multi-camera sitcom,

and Paul Reiser, its king,

was must-see.

Perhaps I'll try this yogurt.

That's been in there since our wedding.

Perhaps... I won't.

Peter, admit it.

You're still in love with Lois.

Yeah, every time you see her, you go, "Schwing!"

Which is, like, the sound

of being lifted by a boner, I think.

Yeah, but we decided we wanted to see other people.

That's only 'cause she got tired of waiting around for you.

Look, she loves you,

but she ain't gonna wait around forever.

I knew they were right.

Your mom was the only one

I wanted to spend the rest of my life with.

So I saved my money, and, a few months later,

I bought a ring.

So, did you enjoy your pesto with pesto?

Does this smile give you your answer?

Lois, there's something I want to ask you.

Will you marry me?

Oh, Peter, I'm-I'm so sorry, but...

I'm already engaged to Tom Tucker.

Passed over for Tom Tucker?

That's terrible.

What do you think of that, fellow '90s star Joey Lawrence?

- Meh. - Oh. Huh.

Okay, well, what would you think if I told you

that Blossom would completely drop out of show business

to get a PhD in neuroscience

and then come back and make $15 million a year,

while you would work steadily for 20 years,

lose all your hair and go bankrupt?

- Whoa! - There it is!

Yeah, that's the... That's the thing I wanted.

Where's Dad?

You've got male porn!

Peter, get in here and finish the story!

Sorry, I was just watching some guy take it in the AOL.

- Goodbye. - All right, where were we?

Mom just said she got engaged to Tom Tucker?

Well, deep down, I knew I loved your father,

but I guess I just caved to my father's pressure.

And on my 28th birthday,

he introduced me to my future husband.

He's your king-to-be

A king to be forever

A king who'll do whatever

Her Highness

Desires

He's your king-to-be...

Thanks, Ollie.

Good afternoon, Lois. I'm Tom Tucker,

your king-to-be.

In other news,

President Clinton sent me a congratulatory cigar,

but it's a little moist.