American Dad!

Thanks for driving, Hayley.

I really need both hands free

to make the float inside my mouth.

What your father's doing is called molecular gastronomy.

The swishing releases the carbon dioxide from the soda.

He's enjoying his dessert on a chemical level!

Klaus, I don't care about that.

Hayley, get off your calculator

and learn something about flavor, please.

It's important. Um, no.

- And this isn't a calculator, okay? - I'm texting.

Texting?! That's even worse!

Here we go about the kids.

You kids today, all shuffling around aimlessly

with your heads buried in your phones.

One day, you're gonna look up and say,

"Wait -- why are the signs all in Chinese?

Oh, it's because I'm in communist China!"

Are you saying I'm gonna walk to China?

I'm saying this becomes China!

Come on, dude. You knew what he meant.

I'm putting my foot down --

no more texting in the Smith family.

That's it -- done.

That's insane.

Yeah, there's no way Francine lets that fly, Stan.

Okay, then...

I forbid you to text and drive.

Yeah, that's actually smart.

And no texting at the dinner table.

And at school.

And...while you're doing your homework.

And...while...you're...playing board games with the family.

And...at church and the movies and funerals and weddings --

Ohhh, they're coming to me now --

and charity events and work functions

and during the national anthem

and the "In Memoriam" part of the Oscars.

Whew. There.

Just put my foot down hard on texting.

Klaus, read that back to me.

I didn't have a pen. I'm sorry.

Ah, damn it. But I remember them.

I-I remember all of them, I swear.

All right, well, don't forget

and just write it all down when we get home.

Nobody talk to Klaus while he's remembering my list.

# Good morning, U.S.A. #

# I got a feelin' that it's gonna be a wonderful day #

# the sun in the sky has a smile on his face #

# and he's shinin' a salute to the American race #

# oh, boy, it's swell to say #

# good -- # # good morning, U.S.A. #

Aah!

# Good morning, U.S.A. #

Looks like life just hit someone in the gonads.

You know, I-I don't get it, Roger.

I've been acing my practice tests at school,

then flunking the real tests.

Why is this happening to me?

Sounds like you got the "yips." The what?

The yips. You're choking under pressure.

It's the type of thing that can ruin your life, amigo.

Whoa. How can I fix it?

You can't. Oh, my God!

Kidding, bud.

You fix it where you fix everything...

in the swimming pool.

Wait -- h-how is swimming

gonna make me a better test taker?

Not swimming, you tiny Adonis -- diving.

What do you want to see?

I want to see perfection.

That narrows it down.

All right. How about a 2 tuck reverse?

Do it! Do it now!

What's with the sarcastic slow clap?

That was a tight cowboy tuck and clean entry.

Sure, it was tight and clean, and I'm as hard as concrete,

but you did it in your own backyard.

I want to see you do that exact same dive

at the public pool in front of the entire neighborhood.

Ohhh! So this was a practice test.

There's always a method to my madness, Steve.

Now watch this.

I just do the dive. I don't mess with the water.

So, I'm in the checkout line, and I have to swipe my card

a few times before it goes through,

and I hear the guy in line behind me do the whole "ugggh."

Like he's in such a hurry.

Then I see he's buying stove-top popcorn,

and I say, "Sir, if you're that pressed for time,

maybe you should buy the microwave popcorn."

Well, the checkout lady takes her microphone thing

and goes, "Major burn on register 1!"

And she immediately gets fired.

Turns out she had a history of playing with the microphone.

Hello?

Oh, my God. Have I not been talking to anyone?

Stan! I have zero bars!

That's correct.

I'm having the C.I.A. scramble the signal inside our house

until Hayley starts obeying my no-texting times.

I also wrote them in German.

I did the German side in purple

as a little incentive to learn German.

Wish me luck, everybody.

I'm going on my first business trip.

Jeff got a job field-testing products.

I work for a company!

Well, I guess if Jeff can figure out

how to use a product, anyone can.

Thanks, Mr. S.

One day, I will insult you

in a way you can understand.

Okay!

Enjoy that job until your first drug test.

Oh, it's cool, Mr. S

I know everything about drugs.

I mean, is it me,

or are kids just getting dumber?

Oh, they're dumb as shit now, Stan.

I swear, it's all the texting.

I don't know. I use texting all the time.

Yeah, it's a great way to cut to the heart of a conversation

without all the chitchat.

Texting just doesn't jibe with my sense of humor.

I have a really dry wit -- like bone-dry.

It's all about nuance with me -- deadly timing.

You can't get that in a text.

Actually, emoticons are a great way to get those subtleties.

Here, I'll show you.

Stephanie's my mistress.

Ah. A winky face.

I guess that could be helpful

if I'm saying something tongue-in-cheek.

Absolutely. And emojis even go a step further.

Look at that little face!

It's like he's saying, "Um, check, please."

That's one of my go-tos!

Oh, my God! That's texting?

That was real, you guys.

# I know my P.O.V. is A.F.K. #

# My energy is M.I.A. and never coming back #

# and FYI, the 411 on the F.A.Q. list #

# anyone will tell you #

# It's a lot like doin' crack #

# W-T-F-I #

# rolling on the floor laughing, L.M.A.O. interaction #

# wait for another reply #

# A.S.A.P. O.M.G. #

# Are you gonna T.X.T. me back tonight? #

I noticed the phone service is back on.

Huh? Oh, yeah.

But don't think for a second

that means you can break my texting rules.

I'm watching you like a hawk.

Really? How many fingers am I holding up?

You're holding up one finger, and it's the middle one.

Damn. That would have been better.

Hold on a minute, Stan.

If you're texting now,

why are you still all over Hayley about it?

Because, Klaus,

when a parent makes a rule, they have to enforce it,

no matter how stupid they realize it is.

Otherwise, their kids won't listen to anything they say.

So... you're a hypocrite?

Name-calling, huh, Klaus?

Well, I guess I'm not texting you my joke of the day anymore.

Aw, come on! Don't be like that!

I will.

I will be like that.

Better.

Oh, this is just too good.

Don't smile.

Jeff, prepare to understand your first insult.

And send!

Ooh!

Aaaaaaaaaah!

Oh, look -- there's a Klaus.

Dad, are you okay?!

Oh, God, Stan! How did this happen?

Well...I was just driving all normal.

I remember I had just said to myself,

"Wow. Everything's super-normal right now."

It was weird that it was so normal.

And...you want more.

And so I...had...

a seizure.

A seizure?!

You've never had seizures before!

I'm gonna bring in our seizure expert to run some tests,

make sure that's what it was.

You paged me?

This man claims he had a seizure.

We just need your expert opinion.

My pleasure.

So, when the episode happened,

were you shaking all over?