Billy Madison

Suntan lotion is good for me

You protect me Tee-hee-hee

Oh, the sun tries to burn me, but you won't let it.

Will ya?

Ultraviolet rays, bad!

Lotion, good.

Smiley.

There's something important I was supposed to do today.

Have five daiquiris?

Nah, nah. You remembered to do that.

Man, why did I have so many drinks? I can't remember.

What's today?

October?

It's nudie magazine day!

Yeah!

Watch out! Watch out!

Ooh, you're a quick one.

Nudie magazine day! Nudie magazine day!

Nudie magazine day! Nudie magazine day!

Nudie...

Holy geez!

Lookie what we got here.

That silly penguin is back again.

No, Mr. Madison. There're no penguin.

You got too much sun today. There're no penguin!

It's too damn hot for a penguin to be just walking around here.

I've gotta send him back to the South Pole.

No! No!

Penguin!

Don't you dare run away!

Hey, come here, Mr. Penguin!

I'm one of the good guys.

Don't run. Oh.

Don't...run.

Don't run from me!

Penguin!

You're a fast penguin.

Whee-hee!

Call the zoo!

All the people at the zoo are very nice, penguin.

They'll treat you real respectable-like.

There's nothing to worry about, big fella.

Here I come!

Right this way, gentlemen. Mr. Madison is expecting you.

Shall we?

Leg.

Billy! You know you shouldn't be pulling that crap

in front of your father's business associates.

You get yourself upstairs and get ready!

Dinner's in 15 minutes!

Yeah, yeah.

Don't "yeah, yeah" me, boy. This is a very important dinner.

You best be there.

I will.

Thank you, Juanita.

You gotta dress up and look nice, too.

Oh, that boy's a fine piece of work, all right!

He's a fine piece of ass, though, too.

Where the hell is he? I'm starvin'!

I ate some Triscuit crackers in the car.

You should've had some.

Well, maybe if you'd told me

there were delicious Triscuit crackers, I could have enjoyed them with you.

I'm sorry.

Well, sorry doesn't put the Triscuit crackers in my stomach.

Does it, Carl?

Gentlemen.

I'm sorry to have kept you waiting.

Have you all met?

Eric Gordon, my executive vice president.

And our operations manager, Carl Alphonse.

Sit down, gentlemen. Sit down.

Beautiful table.

Good seeing you, sir.

Where's Billy?

Juanita said he'd be down in a few minutes.

I'm sure you'll all be very impressed.

Shampoo is better!

I go on first and clean the hair.

Conditioner is better.

I leave the hair silky and smooth.

Oh, really, fool? Really!

Stop looking at me, swan!

Carl, what's up?

Nothing much, Billy.

I see you got a little sun today.

You think so? I fell asleep by the pool for a few hours.

Did you fall asleep, or did you pass out?

Shut up!

That's enough, Billy.

Because you took your own sweet-ass time coming down here tonight,

these gentlemen are going to miss their last flights home.

This guy can stay in my room, I'll tell you that much.

Billy, eat your soup.

It's good soup.

Well, gentlemen,

I can't thank you enough for coming out here this evening.

Please, Billy. No gibberish tonight. Please, I beg you.

Sorry, Daddy.

This is a big night for me tonight.

I have an important announcement to make.

That's it, Billy. Get the hell out of here!

Nice talking to you, Billy.

All right. One, two, three!

Hey, Billy, how come you ain't pounding any tonight?

I don't know. My dad was yelling at me.

I'm just not in the mood.

Hey, Billy, who would you rather bone,

Meg Ryan or Jack Nicholson?

Jack Nicholson now or 1974?

'74.

Meg Ryan.

Go! Go! Go, go, go!

Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go!

Oh, my God! I am the winner.

Billy is not an idiot.

I'm not saying he's an idiot. I just think he might not be

mature enough to run a Fortune 500 company.

My late wife, Emily, and l started this company

with a 15-unit motel in Patchogue, Long lsland.

We built it into 650 hotels.

Our dream was to one day turn it over to our only son, Billy.

Carl, how many people work for Madison?

61 ,000 and change.

How long are those people gonna have jobs once Billy

has the hotel operators speaking gibberish?

Oh, Billy, Billy boy!

When are you gonna find whatever it is you're looking for?

Here's a nice piece of shit.

Gaw! Eew!

Oh.

My, oh, my! Wait till old man Clemens realizes it's a bag of shit!

He gonna shit when he realizes it's shit!

Who got the lighter?

Light it!

Come on, Billy.

Oh, my God! Old man Clemens hates shit!

Here he comes!

Who the hell is it? What do you want?

Judas Priest! It's one of those flaming bags again!

Don't put it out with your boots, Ted!

Don't tell me my business, devil woman!

Call the fire department! This one's out of control.

Yuck! Poop again!

He called the shit "poop!"

This is the best night of my life.

I'll get you damn kids for this. You're all gonna die!

Billy, could you step in here for a moment?

I have big news.

Eric is pregnant! Congratulations!

Feel those kicks. He's gonna be a soccer player.

He is. He is.

All right, what's up?

I've had to face some hard truths tonight, Billy.

Dad? Do we have to do this with Captain Dipshit here?

You were brought up with every advantage.

I bought you everything,

toys, cars, vacations, clothes.

Actually, I stole this shirt from Frank.

Yeah, well, whatever. It's all my fault.

I made a mistake. See...

Are you some damned moron? Can't you just stop for two seconds?

I'm trying to tell you that I'm retiring,

and Eric, not you, is going to take over Madison Hotels.

Eric?

You're gonna give the company to Eric? He is a bad, bad man.

What do you care, Billy? What do you care who I appoint to run the company, huh?

I mean, I'm doing you a favor.

You don't ever have to look for a job.

Yeah. Now you can sit around here all day goofing off,

sipping drinks, chasing invisible penguins.

Is that it, Dad? Did the penguin tell you to do this?

Penguin?

What an idiot!

You know, I could help Billy until he gets the hang of it.

I think Crazy Carl is right.

I mean, I can do this if I set my mind to it!

High school was a pain in the ass, but I graduated.

You graduated because I paid your teachers to give you decent grades.

I've regretted it every day since. I thought at the time

that if you could get good grades, you might get into a good college

and straighten yourself out.

I don't believe that.

What do you believe?

That you were an honor student?

How could l hand over my company

to someone who couldn't even get through school on his own?

I don't know.

Don't think about it. Just hand it over.

Forget it!

Well, listen. Don't you think you better go up to bed, hmm?

Big day tomorrow. A day filled with

daiquiris, Nintendos and jack-off magazines.

Dad!

Yeah, what?

Give me one more chance. I'll prove I can take over.

I'll do anything it takes. I'll go back to high school and take the exams again.

And I'll get my diploma all by myself.

Billy, it wasn't just high school!

Remember that spelling bee you won in the first grade?