Brain Donors

Here I am!

Who's this?

Look at that.

Watch that ladder.

What happened?

Let me try something here. What is it?

What's gone wrong here, then?

Won't work, huh? Here we go.

What are you guys looking at?

Get me out of here!

Here! It's mine!

Do you mind?

- Taxi! - Taxi! Taxi!

Come on.

Jacques! Jacques, you're late!

I'm late. I have to mow Mrs. Oglethorpe's lawn.

Stop that!

Stop that! Stop that!

You moron. There will be changes around here after today,

and I will personally see that you will be the first one to go.

- Allow me. - Wipe off those filthy hands!

- Take this. - Oh, for me?

Carry it to the house, you idiot!

Here you are, my dear. Do come in, Edmund.

My dear Lillian.

I'm so sorry I'm late, but there's so much to do

in handling the Oglethorpe enterprises now that dear Oscar has passed on.

You are a good friend, Edmund.

And such a comfort in my time of need.

I hope more than a friend, Lillian.

As the lawyer for the Oglethorpe family,

I have been entrusted with the last will and testament

of Oscar Winterhaven Oglethorpe.

- Edmund, I beg your pardon. - Yes, dear lady?

I must apologize, but we really must wait

for my personal solicitor, Roland T. Flakfizer.

- Jacques. - Lillian,

I've been employed by your late husband for over 1 3 years.

- Are you dismissing me? - Good heavens, no, Edmund.

I was involved in a minor accident with the Bentley last year.

Miraculously, he was by my side to assist me.

Oh, Jacques, I want you to go to this address

and summon this gentleman at once.

I've been calling all morning and leaving messages.

- I can't seem to reach him. - Yes, Mrs. O...

Lillian, how long must we wait?

I can assure you, once Mr. Flakfizer receives my message,

he will race to be by my side.

Anyone hurt?

Roland T. Flakfizer, attorney at law. Don't try to get up.

- I specialize in accident cases. - We're both fine.

I know what I'm doing, I know what I'm doing.

You wouldn't happen to have any french fries on you, would you?

All right, all right. Step back, step back.

I've got injured clients here.

Sir, you have caused grievous harm to my clients and their vehicle.

And through your negligence, this child has suffered severe neck injuries.

- Leave me alone. - Stick with me, kid,

and you can afford enough Nintendo software to sink a battleship.

- I can sue my parents? - I sued mine.

- My neck! - Corruptible youth. God bless them.

My Lord, madam. You shouldn't be walking in your condition.

This woman is with child.

If any harm came to this infant,

by God, sir, you will feel my wrath in court.

- What are you talking about? - Don't try to weasel out of this.

Dozens of witnesses saw your reckless driving.

How many of you saw this man carelessly,

and without regard for life and property,

careen into my clients at almost 85 miles per hour?

And who of you will tell their story to my young, 24-year-old,

Miss lnternational Wet T-shirt champion,

nymphomaniac secretary?

Yo! Right here! Right here! Hey, hey!

Flakfizer's at it again, I see.

- Check for outstanding... - Roland T. Flakfizer? That's him.

Thank you very much. You agree with me, I agree with you.

Hold that thought. I swear, I never touched your daughter.

Taxi!

Here we go.

Get in. Get in.

- Where to? - Any place with no extradition laws.

- And step on it. - Right.

- Mr. Roland T. Flakfizer? - That depends.

- Do I owe you money? - No.

In a drunken stupor, did I promise to marry you?

- No. - Then I'm your man.

- Lillian Oglethorpe wants to see you. - The Lillian Oglethorpe?

In her mid-50s, with possible gusts up to 60, 65?

- Yes. Can you come right away? - Is she still rich?

By all means. The Oglethorpe place.

Big bucks. Yeah, you settle back, I'll get you there safe and sound.

One-way street.

Don't worry, this happens a lot.

You enjoy driving a cab?

No. As soon as I get me driver's license, I'm quitting.

A guy's really gotta haul rump to make ends meet these days.

I mean, apart from the cab, I'm a pool man, I perform liposuction,

I got me own toupee business. My motto:

"Something that size should have hair on it."

Aren't those numbers clicking by awfully fast?

- You're probably a speed-reader. - Well, you got me there.

Another two miles and we own this cab.

- I hope you brought money. - Oh, sure.

I have a wallet just like that. Hey, that is my wallet.

When I get some money, this could come in handy.

Such behavior. Stealing another man's wallet.

- You should be ashamed of yourself. - I don't believe it. You!

- What are you doing? - Do you know who I am?

A psychotic cab driver?

I'm Rocco Melonchek.

I hope you know you're blowing any possible tip.

You were my attorney in my divorce case...

...until you started dating my wife during the trial.

And you got the court to double the alimony request she originally made.

You didn't want her to keep seeing me in cheap motels, did you?

For God's sake, man, she was your wife!

- Help me. - Get off.

All right, all right, all right.

Five-minute break.

All right, break's over.

Wait a minute, wait. You're a businessman.

- Let's talk business. - Fine, and then I'll kill you.

I thought I recognized you.

I've been looking for you for the past three years.

- You're lying. - Of course I am, but hear me out.

Clients are impressed by a law firm with a big staff.

The more employees, the bigger the fees.

So I could use a man like you in my organization.

Travel, excitement and a chance for advancement.

Of course, you'll start out on the bottom rung.

But work hard and in no time you'll move up to next-to-the-bottom rung.

- You got a dental plan? - Lose a tooth, you get two free.

- What's my job? - You can be my chauffeur.

- How much? - Two hundred bucks a week.

- 600. - 300.

- 400. - 800.

- 900. - Wait a minute, wait a minute.

Shouldn't I be in this negotiation somewhere?

- 350 and not a penny more. - I'll take it.

- What happened to 1000? - I allowed for taxes.

- I want four weeks in advance. - Five weeks.

Hold it. I'm giving you one minute to stop this.

- Two minutes. - Five minutes.

- Seven minutes. - Nine minutes.

I've stepped into my own private hell.

We'd better get going.

The faster we get to Lillian, the quicker I can afford your salaries.

For 350 bucks a week, you drive.

Lillian, we really can't wait any longer.

I suppose you're right, Edmund.

I can't imagine what is keeping Roland.

- You guys wait here. - Hey, you're the boss.

The reading of the last will and testament...

...of Oscar Winterhaven Oglethorpe.

- Roland! - Please,

call me what everyone else calls me: "Your Royal Sex Machine."

I wouldn't come without bringing you a terribly expensive gift.

I hope you like it. It reminds me of you.

Roland, how thoughtful of you. But I believe I have one just like it.

Oh, no problem. I'll take it back and get the money.

Mrs. Oglethorpe, you look wonderful.

I could make love to you right here and now.

Roland, please. Let's keep this on a professional level.

Very well, then. I'll charge you 50 bucks a pop.

Mr. Oglethorpe! How well I remember him.

Gone now, but not forgotten. I was never crazy about his taste in clothes.

I hope this speech doesn't seem like a rambling affair,

which is something I'm sure we'll be involved in.

Oh, Lillian, you make me feel just like a natural woman.

I've heard enough.

- Sir, I am appalled. - Lillian, who is this man?

Roland, this is Mr. Edmund Lazlo.

A likely story. Just look at him.

He's obviously after your money and social standing,

but I was here first.

Hey, how is everyone?

- Have you got any mustard in here? - Hey, I'm the boss, remember?

- I told you to wait outside. - Today's my day off.

Excuse me. And just who are you?

He's a member of my staff. Lillian Oglethorpe, Rocco Melonchek.

Rocco Melonchek, Lillian Oglethorpe.

In order to tell you two apart,

one of you will have to wear a mustache.

Nice to meet someone else who buys their clothes at big-and-tall-man shops.

- I beg your pardon? - Why? You can't help it.

Refreshments. Good idea, Jacques.

He was so devoted to my husband.

Darling Oscar is dead now, you know.

Well, I hope so. I understand they buried him.

- Just make yourself feel at home. - Lillian,

I really do believe we should begin.

Oh, yes, yes, certainly.

Will you all please find yourselves a seat?

Oh, I beg your...

The last will and testament

of Oscar Winterhaven Oglethorpe.

- Do you have a bathroom? - I protest! This is most irregular!

- Lillian... - Edmund! Please be careful.

This man is in obviously no condition to carry on. Rocco, will you continue?