Sweetheart

Ooh! Cows.

April! April!

- What? - We just passed the cows.

Great.

Day-Day, take a picture of the cows.

Aw, they're everywhere!

You do realise that the breeding of cows

is, like, the number-one cause of deforestation?

- What? - Methane.

Methane?

Methane gas is 84 times more dangerous than CO2 is.

Oh, April.

You don't have to analyse everything.

You can just appreciate a cow for being a cow.

I'm not the one that would eat that cow.

What? You're mumbling. See, this is your problem.

You don't speak clearly.

No one can understand a word you're saying.

Little sparrows! Look.

You could just act a little more grateful

to be going on holiday.

It's not a holiday.

Right. So, why do they call it a holiday park, then?

- A baby one. - Yay!

Normally I'm in the back seat behind Dad

but he wasn't invited, which means the whole thing's

taken two hours longer than normal

cos Mum won't admit when she's lost.

She says it's the scenic route.

She put the sat-nav on in the end.

Aw!

That's Lucy, the pregnant princess of Dunstable.

- Classic! - Classic Mum!

Hiya!

And her boyfriend Steve. He's a fireman.

They met when Lucy left her hair straighteners on

and nearly burned down the house.

Mum went mental.

April, get out the car.

She thinks it's romantic now.

Yeah, no, it's good. The traffic was bad.

- All right? - Yeah, it was all right.

Not bad.

That's it. She's been taking pictures with her new camera.

Come and say hello, Day-Day.

You gonna capture the memories?

- Day-Day! - Hi.

Look at her. These plaits. I did them.

- Did you do them? - Here she is.

AJ. Look at the hat, that's cool!

Oh, decided to make an appearance, then? Wow!

You really hedge-trimmed the crap out of that, didn't you?

Did you bring your scissors?

- Yeah, it's fine. I can fix it. - I don't know about that.

Steve, I need my cushion. Come on.

Right, I'm gonna go and check us in. Are you coming?

April, get the bags out the car, love.

Right, come on, Day-Day.

You're gonna have to carry this as well, Steve. It's too heavy.

All right. I don't know why this is too heavy. It's full of air.

AI was perfectly fine at home.

But Mum insisted.

I think we stayed in that one last time.

Oh, yeah.

She says there's no way I'm staying in the house on my own.

Keep up, April!

Mum, we gonna go to the spa?

Yeah.

She acts like I could become a heroin addict...

...in a week.

Fuck's sake.

Home sweet holiday home.

Oh, it's perfect!

Whoo! There you go.

This is fun.

Do you think we'll see any more rabbits?

I think this place will be full of rabbits this week.

- What's the Wi-Fi code? - Eh?

- The Wi-Fi code. - There isn't any Wi-Fi.

You said there was Wi-Fi.

Well, there is but it's in the bar.

What?

Well, I thought you could switch off for a few days.

You're always on that phone, you're obsessed.

You need to get a bit of sunshine.

- You're so bloody pale. - I like being pale.

Nobody likes being pale, April. So, why don't you get outside,

get a bit of fresh air in your lungs and...

go and meet some new friends, like you used to?

I've never been good at making friends.

I swear sometimes, she just makes stuff up.

She knows I've always preferred my own company.

Gives me time to think.

Mostly about the world and how it's falling apart.

And what the hell I'm supposed to do about it.

- You coming in, AJ? - No.

Go on. You used to love the pool.

Mm. Reading.

- Luce? - No. Get out of the sun.

Oh, you big bore!

Mum says I was supposed to be born a boy, called Aaron.

I think about him sometimes

and how much easier his life would have been.

- I need to go toilet. - Ask Mum.

We both know she's gonna get you to take me.

Come on, then.

Swim faster.

This place smells like feet.

I wonder what she smells like.

People stare at me a lot.

They always have.

When I was nine, Jennifer Murphy told me

I couldn't use the girls' toilets cos I wasn't a girl.

Like I was a freak of nature or something.

Everyone laughed.

So, I poured glue in her hair.

Take your glasses off, April.

You don't wear your sunglasses inside.

I prefer them on.

Ape, just take them off. You're not blind.

- AJ. - What?

I told you, everyone calls me AJ now.

- What? No, they don't. - Steve does.

I like it. I think it suits you.

What?

Well, I'm not calling you AJ.

- Why not? - Because it's ridiculous

and no one's going to employ someone called AJ.

April's a lovely name. At least that'll get you an interview.

That's so stupid.

No, it's not. Your name's the first thing you're judged on.

Yeah, that and a picture.

Sally turns girls away all the time

cos she doesn't like their picture.

She says you can tell a lot about a person by their face.

Are we allowed dessert?

Ooh. Let's see, shall we?

You've already had ice cream this week.

I keep meaning to say,

my cousin Stephanie's joining your school this year.

Oh, that's great.

Be able to swap numbers and maybe go to the cinema.

- Yeah. - There's no point.

Don't be rude, April.

You could do with some female friends.

Yeah, there's no point cos I'm not going back to school, so...

- What? - What you talking about?

I've just been considering other options.

- What other options? - I just don't see the point

in going to school anymore.

Well, the point is, if you don't finish school,

then you won't be able to get a good job.

Statistically speaking,

40 percent of jobs are gonna be replaced by computers

in the next 15 years anyway, so...

That's ridiculous.

It's not ridiculous. It's a fact.

Well, computers can't cut hair, so...

What's the plan then? What are you thinking of doing?

Indonesia.

- What? - Indonesia?

There's a charity out there.

You can volunteer. You knit jumpers for elephants.

You're not going to live in India, April.

- Indonesia. - Whatever.

So, what, then? We just let the elephants die,

- is that what you're saying? - You know you're lucky

they're even having you back at school at all.

Why can't I just do what I wanna do?

Because it changes every five minutes, April. That's why.

I wonder if anyone's ever killed themselves with a fork.

It's her.

In real life.

Girls like her are exactly what's wrong with the world.

I feel weird.

Like I could stab her in the throat and...

stem the bleeding all at the same time.

Ooh! I've ordered you another breast pump.

I think you're gonna need more than one.

Oh, thanks, Mum. Sally said that I should order

some of that cream for cracked nipples, as well.

I think I'm gonna have the gammon.

This is bullshit.

What is this? What is this?

That is disgusting. This is... Oh, my...

Tina.

Tina.

Er, Mum to you!

Where's my Dead Jesus jumper?

You don't want a jumper on, it's 25 degrees out there.

Why ask me to pack a bag if you're gonna pack it yourself?

April, you can't wear a top that says Dead Jesus on it.

- It's offensive. - Oh, so music is offensive?

Well, why don't you just try on that nice top that I got you?

Why don't you stop buying me clothes I'm never gonna wear?

Well, we're on holiday.

I thought you might want to make a bit of an effort.

Day-Day, come and get some brekkie.

I'm sorry, I didn't realise

that caravan parks came with a dress code.