He's Just Not That Into You

A girl will never forget the first boy she likes.

Even if things don't quite work out.

Why did you do that?

Because you smell like dog poo.

You're so stupid, just like dog poo.

You're made out of poo!

But usually someone is there to offer words of wisdom.

Made...

...of...

...dog...

...poo.

Honey...

...do you know why that little boy did those things and said those things?

It's because he likes you.

And there it is.

That's the beginning of our problem.

That little boy is doing those terrible things because he's got a crush on you.

Do you know what this means?

We're all encouraged...

...no, programmed...

...to believe that if a guy acts like a total jerk...

...that means he likes you.

Here's the problem: He likes you too much.

You're too pretty and too awesome.

- Yes. - He can't handle it.

That Phi Delt so obviously liked you.

I'm sure he just lost your number.

He's not asking you out because he's intimidated by your professional success.

Trust me. It's because he's just getting out of a serious relationship.

Trust me. It's because he's never had a serious relationship.

Why do we say this stuff to each other?

Is it possible that it's because we're too scared...

...and it's too hard to say the one obvious truth...

...that's staring everyone in the face?

So Janine says you're a real-estate agent.

Yeah, but I'm not one of those cheesy ones...

...that puts my headshots on bus benches and grocery carts.

So just, like, Frisbees and notepads?

Basically.

- It's much classier. - My thoughts exactly.

Wonder why Janine never thought to introduce us before.

I don't know. I don't know.

- Hey, guys. Want another round? - You want one more?

Only if you do. I mean, if you need to get going, I totally...

Uh...

Okay, well...

Sure. One more. Ketel and soda?

And a beer, please.

Be right back.

Well, Conor, I had a really nice time. - It was really nice meeting you.

- Bye. - See you.

Hey, it's me.

He's cute, and I think it went well.

And I think he might be leaving me a message at home as we speak.

Hey, it's me. Just wanted to let you know I was thinking about you.

Oh, that's very sweet of you, Conor. Thanks.

Listen, I was wondering if you wanted to grab a late bite.

Tonight? I...

No, I was supposed to meet friends but I'm burnt out. Don't be mad at me.

No, of course, I'm not mad. Well, I'll be up for a while.

- Do you wanna go ahead of me? - I'll be up.

- Oh, can you hold on? - Okay.

No, that's fine. You just have one thing, so...

No, technically I have six...

...and I'm mulling over a gum purchase, so I think you should go.

Okay.

Let me call you right back.

All right. Okay.

- Hi. - Hey.

Just that and that, please.

Thank you.

Oh, my word.

Seriously? That's not possible.

I just deposited cash three days ago, so it's just not possible.

Oh, it's not that. Let me check something.

Congratulations, you won.

What?

Our Funky Fall promotion. You're our 1000th customer this month.

What?

Are you kidding me?

I don't do kidding.

Oh, my God. I can't believe this, it's so exciting.

Oh, my God. I never won anything before.

This is the most exciting thing that ever happened to me. Is that sad?

Yea... No. I don't think so.

- Really? - Yes.

Thank you! Come here.

Wow.

As the Terps move to mid-ice, trying to...

- Hey. - Hey.

- How was the date? - It was fine. Whatever.

- Why are you here? - My cable's out.

Come on, Spiewak, it's not the Ice Capades.

You didn't hear the phone ring by any chance, did you?

- No, I didn't. - Shit.

Anna gave me the old, "I'll call you right back."

Oh, shit, yeah? Well, how long ago?

That was 22 minutes ago.

Do I call back?

Should you call back? No, absolutely not.

I'm gonna call back and say I'm going to bed.

What? No. It's 9:30. You're gonna...?

No, it's a great idea.

I'll call and say, "In case you were gonna call me back, don't...

...because I'll be sleeping." A genius idea.

Okay, no, that's brilliant.

When you wake up you can say, "I'm awake now, I'm available to take your call."

Oh, gosh. A second.

- Sorry about that. - It's all right.

I was...

Wait, what was I saying again?

You don't wanna be like your mother, wake up one morning...

...and realize you never pursued your dreams.

Is that what I was saying?

- You want some gum? - No, thank you.

God, that's kind of heavy for a grocery chat.

- No, that's okay. - Isn't it?

- Sorry. - I actually might be able to help.

Yeah, I know a guy at my office who deals exclusively with music clients.

- Are you kidding? - Uh-uh.

Oh, my God.

- Are you my savior or something? - No.

- Can you hold this for a second? - Yeah.

Oh, this is so unexpected.

Okay...

I don't...

I'm married.

I don't do this.

You don't do what? You don't help struggling singers?

Not hot yoga-instructing singers...

...who are incredibly charming.

Hm.

Well, you could... You could give me your card.

That's legit, right? Is that allowed?

I could do that.

- Yeah. - That'd be okay, right?

Yeah.

Great, thank you so much.

Course. Do you need help to your car?

- Where'd you park? - No, I'm fine. It's okay.

- It was very nice to meet you. - Yeah.

Okay.

Who was that?

- Oh, that was a prospective client. - Oh.

Okay.

I can talk to a woman. It doesn't have to be like that.

No. Absolutely not.

- Just drive. - Relax.

- Hi. - Hi.

- How you doing? - Good.

- Yeah? - Yeah. I just got off the phone.

- Yeah? - Yeah, with my little sister.

- How's she doing? - She's getting married.

Really?

Yeah.

Great.

You really think that's great?

Yeah.

Devon seems like...

...a great guy.

Well, so you think it's great that they're getting married...

...but you don't ever feel like we're going against nature, or something...

...by not getting married?

No.

Going against nature is like the cat who suckled that monkey.

You and I are just two people who happen not to be married.

Let me tell you something. People who get married are not to be trusted.

You are so weird.

They're not. You know why?

Because if you are so legitimately happy, honestly...

...you wouldn't feel the need to make a big show out of it.

You wouldn't have to broadcast it.

They do it because they're insecure...

...and they think getting married's what they're supposed to be doing.

So they're lying to themselves and to other people.

Seriously.

Think about you and your friends. Okay?

These women you have great relationships with...

...you're close to them, some of them you've known for years.

But you don't feel the need...

...to write a $45 check to the state of Maryland for a friendship certificate.

- Yeah. No, I get that. - Right?

Why should it be any different, you know, with me and you?

We're very happy, I love you, I'm committed to you...

...we have a great life, you know?

Yes, you're right.

Why can't we just be happy?

You're right.

- I'm gonna get you some more tea. - Okay.

Please enter your pass...

You have no messages.

Main menu. To send a message...

Okay, so clearly he hasn't called.

Maybe he's away on business.

He sells real estate. In Baltimore.

- Staying in town is his business. - Right.

Well, look, let me tell you.

After I went out with Ben for the first time, he didn't call me for 11 days.

Eleven days. And now he's the world's best husband.

That happens all the time.