Santa Clarita Diet

That's it. If homicide detectives start looking into our missing people,

we're done.

Maybe we'll be okay. The storage units are under fake names

and we've started to kill outside of our friend circle.

You're defrosting an elbow in our microwave.

We are terrible murderers!

Well, maybe they'll be terrible detectives.

We wouldn't survive a terrible cleaning woman.

So, what are you saying?

We should think about leaving before it's too late.

- Leaving? Where would we go? - I don't know.

We'd just keep going until we found someplace safe.

What about Abby?

She's still in school. She can't live like a fugitive.

We could stop in Phoenix and drop her at your sister's.

Oh, my God. You've really thought about this.

Since the day you killed Gary.

If we get caught, we'll never see each other again.

And if Abby's with us, she could end up in prison, too.

We don't have a lot of good choices.

No, but we do have Gary.

Right. I guess we'd take him with us.

He's small and he knows a lot of jokes.

No, I'm saying that Anne's theory is that the same person killed Dan and Gary.

But if we can prove that Dan and Gary are alive,

it destroys her case.

So what are you suggesting? We walk into a sheriff's office,

hold up Gary's head and say "Look, we're innocent.

We killed this guy, but he won't stay dead."

Of course not.

But sort of.

I want your opinion on my plan to blow up the trailer on the fracking site.

Really? You said you didn't want my input 'cause I'm not doing it with you.

What was that animal you compared me to?

Was it a brave creature? Oh, no, that's right, a mouse.

- But we made up. - I'm not sure you specifically apolog...

- We made up. - Thank you, I accept.

Also my pride has been replaced by how much I like my hands

and how hard it would be to drive home if my arms ended at my wrists.

This is the explosive device I'm thinking of using.

Uh-huh. Uh-huh.

Ooh!

Um...

Oh, okay. Yeah, I mean, this'll probably work.

I'm thinking, with explosives,

"this will probably work" isn't where I wanna be.

I mean, there are a couple of issues, but nothing you can't fix.

- When do you need it? - Tonight.

Oh, my God, you're gonna die.

They're having a press rollout tomorrow

talking about how great it is to fuck the Earth with their toxic semen,

so their trailer needs to be a smoking hole in the ground by morning.

Wow, you will never work in corporate PR.

Okay. Instead of transporting and assembling these volatile materials,

it'd be safer to use what's already there. The trailer has propane tanks.

Why not create a simple device to explode those?

Genius.

Is there anyone in this room who could build such a device?

There is one person.

Have I told that person how much I love him?

- No. - As a friend?

Constantly.

Seriously, Eric, my hands thank you.

Ha! Your hands. That's cute.

You would've been blown so high into the stratosphere,

you'd come down as rain in Europe.

So, using this burner phone, you'll record a message to Dan.

- Which is left on this burner phone. - Neither of which are traceable.

And we'll plant that phone somewhere Anne will find it.

"What's this? Why, it's a phone that must've belonged to Dan."

Curious, she'll listen to the voicemail.

"I'm a cop. I wanna know everything. It's so annoying."

- She'll hear your message to Dan. - "Oh, my, Gary and Dan are still alive."

I should learn to leave well enough alone."

And her whole theory will implode. Ba-boom!

Or since it's imploding, boom-ba!

So, what do you think?

- How's everyone's morning? - What?

Just making conversation. Excuse me for wanting human contact.

I was here yesterday.

I scratched your ears and we listened to Quadrophenia.

- For 15 minutes. - I had to visit a clam farm

so the world wouldn't end, and then get a rocket fired at me.

I didn't say you're not important, Mr. Big Shot.

Okay, my morning was great, Gary.

I went to the new Save 'n Save, bought two burner phones, these bracelets,

and a pair of barbecue tongs, all for only $38.

I love that you're a smart shopper, and we did need new tongs.

But since our lives depend on it, I might not have bought

- the cheapest phones on Earth. - They're fine.

You're just upset 'cause you can't play Flappy Dunk on them.

So, we're thinking something like,

"Hey, Dan, it's Gary. I'm on my way to Mexico to find you."

"I have your laundered drug money.

And please don't send another Serbian goon to cut off a finger like you did before."

The Serbian thing connects another missing person we killed.

- But only if you can work it in. - Try to work it in.

I'm just saying, if you load it up with too much exposition...

- It'll be better. - Or it might not be believable.

- Try to work it in. - Or don't. Shall we?

Hey, Dan. It's Gary. I'm on my way to Mexico to meet with you.

But since I'm only a head, it may take me a few years to roll there.

Delete.

Sorry, I'm just... rarely the center of attention anymore.

Fine. Let's do this.

Hey, Dan. It's Gary. How's the weather in Mexico?

And by "Mexico," I mean the inside Sheila's stomach.

- That's two. - Delete.

Hey, Dan. It's Gary.

I've laundered your money. I'll meet you in Guadalajara on Thursday.

I'll be wearing a Padres cap and nothing else.

I heard Joel killed you with a shovel and then Sheila ate you.

With her teeth, dear.

So, I will see you in Guadalajara with the money next week.

We did it, buddy. We're rich.

- Perfect. Thank you. - You're welcome.

Now, I want you guys to do something for me.

- Why do your ears get so itchy? - No, it's not that.

I want you to kill me.

- What? - My niece and Hailey are safe.

I don't have a purpose anymore.

I don't wanna sit in a vase forever, guys. That's no life.

But we just started rewatching The Wire.

Joel...

I'm ready to die.

I know you've gotten to be friends with him, honey,

but if Gary wants to die, or be deader, I think we need to help him.

I know, but I just started to like having him around.

It's like taking in a stray dog.

Housebreaking him, letting him sleep on your bed...

Then one day you're playing fetch

and he comes back with a gun and asks you to shoot him.

Abby's on her way.

Listen, if this phone thing doesn't work

and we get caught, I think I should take the fall.

- Joel. - We'll say I'm a serial killer

who's cannibal-curious, and you had no idea.

People are surprised by their spouses all the time.

Judy Plumpton just found out

that Bob doesn't like any form of chickpeas,

and they've been married 20 years. How crazy is that?

- Honey... - That way, you can stay with Abby.

And I'd be fine in prison.

I make friends super easy and I love bunk beds.

You're also a picky eater

and you don't like people touching your stuff.

Plus, there's no guarantee you'll get the top bunk.

Hey, guys, what's up?

We know you've been working really hard on a school project,

so we decided to make you some lunch.

Lunch. Oh, boy!

Sensing an agenda, but whatever.

Alphabet soup? Oh, boy! And I mean it.

I haven't even done anything and it already says "fart."

Like it knows who's eating it.

So, are you guys coming to my mom's baptism later?

Prepare yourselves. Anne invited a ton of her friends,

so it's gonna be wall-to-wall cops.

- They forgot. - We didn't forget.

But I am wondering, how important is it that we go?

Not at all? I agree.

I think it's gonna be suspicious if we don't go.

Besides, Anne may be the instrument of our doom,

but she's still my friend and this baptism is important to her.

The gal does love her some God.

Yeah, she sees His work in everything we do.

I know that because she crocheted me a pillow that says,

"I see His work in everything we do."

It must be nice to have the comfort and clarity of religion.

The only things I believe in enough to put on a pillow are

"I'm winging it" and "All races taste the same."

Oh, Anne also invited the head of the homicide unit, Bill Ramirez.

I met him once. Super intimidating.

I confessed to stealing Milk Duds when I was seven, which I didn't even do.

So, there's that, too.

Bill Ramirez, honey. There's that, too.

I know, sweetheart, but we still have to go.

Fine. Then we're gonna need your help with something.

- So this lunch was a bribe? - No.

We just feel guilty because we're gonna ask you

to do something that's potentially dangerous.

And we wanted to give you a treat to incentivize you to go...

Oh, it is a bribe.

Wow, I can't believe your family's survival comes down to us.

My parents can't sneak around your house trying to hide a phone.

What if they got caught?

Which you know they would because they're not good at anything.

Apart from being realtors. And they don't even pronounce that right.

It's just when it comes to being clandestine,

spelling dirty words in alphabet soup is kind of the edge of my comfort zone.

- Are my mom and Anne still in the yard? - Yeah, still putting out chairs.

Okay.

All right, I got one of Dan's flak jackets.

I'm placing the phone in the pocket,

but not so deep that Anne won't hear it when we call and...

Huh.

What?

This is C4.

That's a military-grade explosive. Why would Dan have this?

Because he was reckless and stupid.