Crazy Ex-Girlfriend

Previously on Crazy Ex-Girlfriend

The wedding is in two weeks!

I want to become...

A priest?!

Josh is leaving me

to become

a priest?

I'm gonna mail him my poop.

But tell him it's cupcakes.

We are all here to help you take down Josh,

but we are not gonna help you

take down yourself at the same time.

- What are you doing here? - Oh, I was just, uh,

I was just running by, and, um...

You are understandably obsessed with me.

No.

Sue him. Suing Josh,

that's actually a really interesting idea.

There is tons of case law that justifies suing him

on behalf of Rebecca.

It's perfect!

This révenge will actually make you feel better.

I know it.

_

What?

Oh, I am so excited!

Suing Josh Chan is the best thing we have ever done.

Ah, doesn't it feel great to do something

rational and effective?

I mean, can you believe your first revenge idea

was to mail Josh poop in plastic containers?

- Yeah. - Yeah, wow.

That was a silly thing that I definitely did not do.

Josh is about to get what's coming to him.

- Not poop. - Not poop!

Anything but poop.

Definitely not poop. Anything but poop.

- Yeah, yeah, yeah. - Oh, he's such a loser, anyway.

I mean, what a fool.

I would've loved to have been

a cross on the wall at that seminary when he showed up there, right?

- Err! - Eh!

Where's Jesus? Duh!

Can I still have sex and be a priest?

- No. - No, you can't.

That's what being a priest is.

_

Dope church.

Make yourself at home.

Father Rodrigo will be right with you.

Oh, I thought you were Father Rodrigo.

Oh, no, no, no, I'm just the door priest.

Huh. Well, I can't wait to start over, Door Father.

Let's just say there were a few things going on in my life

that I feel a little guilty about.

Like a wedding I was supposed to go to and didn't.

But I don't have to feel that way anymore, because...

I'm going to be a priest and priests have no guilt, right?

Door Father?

Hmm.

Anything you want to confess, my son?

Not anymore, priest me.

Pew!

Did someone say "Holy Ghost"?

Whoa, that's what you look like?

This is what you think I look like.

Now let's dance.

Yeah!

Off to lunch with Casper.

My son?

How can I help you?

Oh, Father Rodrigo.

I am so honored to meet you.

Father, I have come here to this holy place

to join my brethren and walk the halls of divinity

as God shines his light on me.

- Oh, boy, we got a Maria here. - What?

Son, have you been considering the priesthood for a long time?

Oh, yeah. The whole drive up here from Malibu today.

And there was a Sig Alert.

Well... I hope you understand, it's a big commitment.

A typical priest's training

takes four to six years and involves

getting a master's degree in divinity.

And you'll have to take a pre-theology class.

Oh, yeah, I knew that.

"Erry-one" knows that.

It's in the damn Bible.

Oh, sorry.

Look, if you haven't really thought this through,

or you're just trying to avoid responsibility

for something you've done,

you can go home.

What?

I-I'm not trying to avoid responsibility for anything.

I'm just here to go to priest school.

Preschool?

Priest school.

Ah, oh, yes, yeah.

Yeah, we don't use that term for that exact reason.

Oh, I wish I could see

the look on his face in 12 to 15 months

when a judge hits him with a $600-to-$800 fine.

Wait, $600-to-$800?

That's like a pair of shoes.

Maybe for you, bitch.

- Paula? - Yes?

Can we take a quick time-out for some nonjudgmental truth time?

- Always. - I just don't know about this, okay?

You're working so hard,

and the case is super, super clever,

but... I'm just not satisfied.

I-I want to do something big

and now. And-and, like, suing Josh just...

It feels...

Okay. You know when you eat a whole bag of iced ginger snaps,

but then you're like, "What? There's still a hole inside me,"

so then you move on to shoplifting,

and the next thing you know, you're in your dorm,

surrounded by unitards and fuzzy pillows from Urban Outfitters

and the hole's still there?

It feels like that.

That's why you have so many unitards?

I was more of a lipstick and Sambuca shoplifter myself

back in the day.

- Interesting. - Yeah.

Okay, so, Paula,

instead of this, can we do something, like, savage

and brutal and primal? Right? Please?

No.

- What? - No way.

Rebecca, we have found the perfect

legal, ethical and public way to get back at Josh.

I mean, we actually have the high ground.

We never have the high ground.

No, it's true.

And you know I am down for a nefarious plan

as much as the next gal,

but this plan is legit,

and you won't get in trouble.

So this case is the way to go.

I promise you. This is a good thing.

But I want a bad thing.

This is bad. This is really bad.

What the hell is wrong with me?

I can't believe I showed up to Rebecca's house

with a stupid excuse, visibly aroused in my running shorts.

She got to me.

Rebecca Bunch got to me.

With her, "Blah, blah, I'm sad and vulnerable."

And then her now, "Blah, blah, blah,

now I'm all hot and tough with budding triceps."

What, is she doing dips all of a sudden?

I fall for every stupid thing that she does.

Honestly, I can't believe I'm letting you down,

the person that matters most to me.

But don't worry, Captain,

I'm shaking it off.

Old Nathaniel's coming back.

Ice-cold, in control.

A real man.

Guys! My avocado tree has gone certifiably insane.

Help yourselves.

Guac o'clock, people.

Hey, Maya, catching up on all the best ways

to get a peach-shaped booty?

No, because I love myself, and I don't purchase any periodicals

which engage in body-shaming.

By the way, young adult women's periodicals

are doing some of the most relevant and honest reporting

out there right now.

- Oh, yeah, I'm sure. - It's true.

Look at this study about the orgasm gap.