Big Boys

My dad wanted a fun-for-all, not a funeral.

He didn't want to be remembered as some bloke with cancer,

but as someone who wore criminal amounts of double denim.

Shannon helped plan the funeral, because she adored Dad,

and because she was doing a BTEC in Event Management at Watford College,

so she made Dad's funeral her final practical assessment.

An invigilator actually came to the service.

Christ, Shan, what ARE you wearing?

I took inspiration from Britney at the BMAs.

She's made you look like a dickhead. Don't be mean about Britney, Nan.

She's had a rough ride too. Shannon's going to put Dad's weed grinders in his coffin.

So he'll always be high up in the sky.

Do you remember when you was 12, and we went to Camden Market,

and that lad tried to sell you some?

Yes, I remember. Jack came running over to me and Laurie going,

"See that bloke over there in the green leaf Bob Marley t-shirt,

he's just tried to sell me an ounce of spunk."

I meant skunk. I'd take spunk or skunk right now.

OK, guys, right, now...

Are you all right? Yeah.

Are you all right?

Yeah. Yeah.

Are you all right?

Nan?

Yeah.

Are you all right?

Yeah.

# The day after I

# Had counted down all of your friends... #

Why does it say "ankle"?

He was my ankle. Ankle Laurie.

It's uncle.

U-N-C-L-E.

Silly cow.

Shit, shit!

Mum, where do you think he is?

He's sat right in front of me.

He's in your curly hair,

and your pointy ears, and he's in your little smile too!

You just need to make sure you become like him in there as well.

OK?

Can you move your hand now? I've got sweet chilli sauce in my eyes.

GROANING

Are you going to come down the local tomorrow?

Of course I am. I live for the pub, I dream of the pub.

I am the pub.

What's the Welsh word for pub? Pub. Oh, fuck!

Alison Hammond is dead!

Oh, God, sorry, Leisa.

She's not dead. She were just on This Morning flirting with Ryan Gosling.

My pet fish Alison. She... She jumped out of the bowl.

Oh, mate, I'm sorry, but do you want to...

Sorry.

Sort of killed it?

No.

The second funeral I'd ever been to was a Viking burial for Alison.

Jules had to be there to give clearance

on anything involving a naked flame.

It's a lot, isn't it, just seeing a dead body?

It's not a dead body, Jules, it's a fish.

Sorry I walked in on you yesterday. Don't worry.

So are you now on meds which mean you can...?

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, it's all good, yeah.

Well, we're gathered here today

to say ta-ra

to the one and only Alison Hammond.

And even though I didn't meet her personally,

from what I gather, she was very dear to very many people.

Much like her namesake!

Fuck! Fuck's sake.

Right, it's now time for our song of remembrance.

No, no, no, no. That's enough, that's quite enough. Come on.

Can we please go and get our grades, Jules, and remember

we're here in the hope of pursuing fulfilling careers, and not burying Alison!

One, two, three, four...

# In a perfect world... Oh, my God...

# In a perfect world

Is this not the Gogglebox theme tune?

# In a perfect, a perfect world

# Oh, no, no, no, in a perfect world #

# In a perfect world... # Oh, my God, no, no, no, no, no!

A 79. He gave me a 79. That's a first. It's a top grade.

A 79 is the equivalent of when a pop star dies and their album goes to number 1.

It doesn't really count if you haven't earned it. Fuck's sake!

Oh, God, Corinne, you can't always get the highest grade, all right?

You just need to chill out. I am chilled, Danny.

You are never chilled. You could lighten up.

Oh...

What have you got, Jackie?

Oh, fuck! What? I got a 2.2.

A Desmond. Nice one. Tim keeps giving me the harshest marks.

Look, this is my solution, all right?

I haven't handed any work in to Tim so he can't give me harsh marks.

Um... What a fabulous solution to not getting bollocked.

Well, if you don't like it, man up and say something.

I don't proscribe to the term "man up".

OK, I'm sorry. Stop being such an over-sensitive damp cloth, then.

I'm not a damp cloth. You are a bit wimpy. You are quite sensitive.

No-one would have called my dad a wimp,

so I plucked up the courage to confront

quite possibly the fittest man I'd ever known by name.

H...

GIVES SMALL LAUGH

How can I help you, Jack? Hi.

Well, it's just...

my mark, I...

I fear my writing style has perhaps been a bit...

undervalued.

Oh. Well, your piece was quite shite.

Right. It was wanky almost.

It needed pragmatism, OK?

Because this is a news story, all right, not a spoken word ad for a bank. Yeah?

He's so fit when he's being a prick.

So this week, for the court report assignment, try to keep the emotion out of it, OK?

Just report the facts. Can you do that?

Yeah, will do. And I'd like you to take a long hard look at my briefs.

What? I need you to take my briefs much more seriously.

Ideally you'd know them inside and out, OK?

Read them, study them... Sniff them.

Remember them. Briefs...

Is that OK?

Yeah. And can you tell Danny to actually hand some fucking work in, please?

Hi, guys. Hi, Ash. It's the soggy bottoms!

Danny, were you buying drugs? No!

Leave it out, will you? I am, actually.

I'm an ethical dealer, guys. I donate 20 per cent of my profits to Frank.

Exactly. It's herbal. It's basically good for you.

I'm going to bake us some edibles, and we'll all go down the pub.

What's the special occasion?

Well, I just want to get a bit high.

Yeah. Not for me. I actually wanted to get a solid start on my judiciary knowledge before we go to court.

Look, what am I always telling you about loosening up?!

I've got us a foolproof plan which means I am never going

to have to set foot inside a courtroom again.

My dad used to hotbox the back of his cab with his mates.

Legend! You need to be more like him.

Anyway, Ash, these aren't that strong, are they?

OK, fine. An edible. Yes!

I've set a timer, so... On your marks... Get set...

Go!

# ..get high like planes

# If you catch me at the border I got visas in my name

# If you come around here I make them all day

# I get one done in a second if you want

# All I want to do is...

BANGING

# And take your money, all I want to do is...

BANGING

# And a... and take your money

# All I want to do is...

Bon appetit.

# ...all I want to do... #

BANGING

MUSIC SLOWS AND DISTORTS

Do you understand? This is not theatre.

You always invented an easier way of doing uni work which was somehow genius.

Do you think Tim's going to know we've just written up

a Judge Rinder case rather than going to court?

Nah.

You haven't actually written any case notes down.

Who? You.

LAUGHS

Fuck. What? A picture tells a thousand words.

Well, Tim has a strict 500-word limit,

so you'd better get tearing that in half.

Since when have you cared about Tim's briefs, Jack?

I can't stop, Corinne. Cannot stop.

Anyone for another? Oh, yes, please.

Yes!

We are all far too...

Fucked days spent in the pub when we should have been studying

were something you were always very good at facilitating.

OK, where the fuck was my invite?

Oh, mate, I'm so sorry, but I know I was supposed to text you,

but then we all got a bit spaced out.

Fuck's sake, I said ring me, yeah? Down in one.

Bye.

Hello, babe. Mwah.

I lied to you. The Welsh word for pub isn't pub.