Seinfeld

Does it seem to you that the ventriloquist dummy...

...has a very active sexual, social life?

He's always talking about dates and women that he knows...

...and bringing them back to the suitcase at night.

There's always a sawdust joke in there somewhere, you know.

He says kinky things, because he's made out of wood...

...and he can spin his head around.

We're somehow expected to believe...

...because the face is so animated...

...they think we're not noticing the feet are just swinging there.

Dummy feet never look really right, do they?

They're just kind of dangling there. Always kind of askew, you know.

You always see a little ankle.

Those little thin, fabric ankles that they have, you know.

You think, "I don't think this thing is real."

Are you kidding me?

Let me speak with the head librarian. It's absurd.

An overdue book from 1971?

This is a joke, right? What are you, from a radio station?

Okay, you got me. I fell for it.

All right. Okay.

I can be down there in, like, a half-hour.

Bye.

- What's the problem? - This, you're not gonna believe.

The New York Public Library...

...says that I took out Tropic of Cancer in 1971...

...and never returned it.

Do you know how much that comes to?

That's a nickel a day for 20 years.

- It's gonna be $50,000. - It doesn't work like that.

If it's a dime a day, it could be 100,000.

It's not gonna be anything.

I returned the book. I remember it very vividly...

...because I was with Sherry Becker.

She wore this orange dress. It's the first time I saw her in a dress like that.

I'd known her since ninth grade. She was developing this body in secret...

...under these loose clothes for, like, two years.

And then one day...

...this orange dress.

- It's burned in my memory. - Oh, memory burn, huh?

- I wonder whatever happened to her. - How did they find you?

Oh, computers. They're cracking down now on overdue books.

The whole thing's completely ridiculous.

It's George. Wait till he finds out we're going to the library. He'll be thrilled.

- You know, I never got a library card. - I'm coming down.

It's all a bunch of cheapskates in there anyway.

People sitting around reading the newspaper...

...attached to those huge wooden sticks...

...trying to save a quarter.

Look, I gotta go to the library. You wanna go?

Yeah, yeah. Let's go.

The Dewey Decimal System. What a scam that was.

Boy, this Dewey guy really cleaned up on that deal.

Where's George?

Look. Trying to save a quarter.

I kind of like those sticks. I'd like to get them in my house.

This woman's completely ignoring me.

Look at her.

This is a lonely woman looking for companionship.

A spinster.

Maybe a virgin.

Maybe she got hurt a long time ago. She's a schoolgirl...

...there was a boy. It didn't work out.

So now she needs a little tenderness. She needs a little understanding.

Needs a little Kramer, huh?

Then she'll need a little shot of penicillin.

- Yes? - Yeah, I called before.

I got this notice in the mail.

Tropic of Cancer. Henry Miller.

This case has been turned over to our investigations officer, Mr. Bookman.

Bookman?

The library investigator's name is actually Bookman?

- Come on. - It's true.

That's amazing.

That's like an ice-cream man named Cone.

Well, Lieutenant Bookman's been working here 25 years...

...so he's heard all the jokes.

- Can I speak with this Bookman? - Just a second.

Jerry.

What?

I think I saw him.

- I think it's him. - Who?

Did you see the homeless guy on the library steps...

...screaming obscenities and doing callisthenics?

- Yeah. - I think that's Mr. Heyman.

The gym teacher from our high school.

- Heyman? Are you sure? - He's older...

...completely covered in filth, no whistle. But I think it's him.

George got him fired. He squealed on him.

- Oh, tattletale. - I didn't tattle.

Well, what did this guy do? What happened?

There was an incident. I'd rather not discuss it.

- Oh, come on. You can tell me. - Some other time.

What, tonight?

- I never figured you for a squealer. - He sang like a canary.

- Mr. Bookman's not here. - Not here?

- Why was I told to come down here? - He'll be out all afternoon on a case.

He's out on a case? He actually goes out on cases?

What am I supposed to do now?

I'll have Mr. Bookman get in touch with you.

All right. Thanks.

- Come on, let's go. - Let's go see if it's Heyman.

- It's not him. - Hey, I'll see you boys later, huh?

So, what's a guy gotta do around here to get a library card?

- Where's Karen? - She went to pick up lunch.

Well...

...she didn't ask me what I wanted.

She must've forgot.

How could she forget? I've been ordering lunch...

...every day for three and a half years.

Is there something you're not telling me...

...because I'm getting, like, a really weird vibe.

Is Lippman getting rid of me? You can tell me.

- I won't say anything. - I don't know anything.

You don't know. You see, "I don't know anything"...

...means there's something to know. If you really didn't, you'd say:

"You're crazy."

- Oh, hi, Mr. Lippman. - Elaine.

I was wondering if you got a chance...

...to look at that biography of Columbus I gave you.

Yes, I did.

Yes, I did.

- Marie, this water is still too cold. - Oh, yeah. It's freezing.

Hurts your teeth.

I'm telling you, something is going on.

He never likes anything I recommend, and then that lunch thing.

So they forgot to get your lunch. Big deal.

What do you know? You've never worked in an office.

See, you've worked in an office, George. You understand.

Jerry thinks I'm overreacting, but you understand lunch.

I don't understand lunch. I don't know anything about it.

Just because I got the guy fired doesn't mean I turned him into a bum, does it?

- What did he do? - He purposely...

...mispronounced my name.

Instead of saying Costanza...

...he'd say, "Can't stand you. Can't stand you."

Remember, he made me smell my own gym socks once?

I remember he made you wear a jock on your head for a whole class.

- And the straps were hanging down... - Okay, okay.

You never even had him for gym.

I had him for hygiene. Remember his teeth?

It was like from an exhumed corpse.

Little baked beans.

Come on, tell me what happened.

Well, okay.

As I said, the guy had it in for me.

He actually failed me in gym. Me.

And those spastic Schnitzer twins.

- Can't stand you! - Yes, Mr. Heyman?

Your underwear was sticking out of your shorts during gym class.

Well, that's because I wear boxer shorts.

Boxer shorts, huh?

- What brand? - I'm not really sure. I-

Yeah, well, let's take a look!

He gave me a wedgie.

And he got fired the next day.

Why do they call it a "wedgie"?

Because the underwear is pulled up from the back until it...

...wedges in.

They also have an atomic wedgie.

Now, the goal there is to actually get the waistband...

...on top of the head.

It's very rare.

- Boys are sick. - Well, what do girls do?

We just tease someone till they develop an eating disorder.

I gotta go back to the library and talk to him.

I gotta find out if I'm the guy that ruined his life.

Hey, babaloo, you better get home.

This guy Bookman from the library, he's waiting for you.

What's amazing about the library...

...is here's a place where you can go in...

...take out any book you want. They just give it to you...

...and say, "Bring it back when you're done."

Reminds you of that pathetic friend everybody had as a kid...

...that would let you borrow any of his stuff if you would just be his friend.

That's what the library is. It's a government-funded pathetic friend.

That's why everybody bullies the library.

"I'll bring it back on time, I'll bring it back late.

What are you gonna do, charge me a nickel?"

I'm glad you're here so we can straighten this out.

- Cup of tea? - Got any coffee?

- Coffee? - Yeah, coffee.

- No, I don't drink coffee. - You don't?

- How about instant coffee? - No, I don't-

- No instant coffee? - Well, I don't-

- Who doesn't have instant coffee? - I don't.

Buy a jar of Folgers crystals, put it in the cupboard, you forget about it.

When you need it, it's there. It lasts forever.

It's freeze-dried. Freeze-dried crystals.

Really? I'll have to remember that.

- You took this book out in 1971. - Yes, and I returned it in 1971.

Yeah, '71, that was my first year on the job.