Not Going Out

If we're really desperate, I could

always ask my flatmate, Lee.

He's not ideal but I suppose all he has to do is look smart,

be amusing and be able to use a knife and fork. How hard can that be?

I'll ask him and call you back.

What's going on? There was an ad in the newsagent's window.

"Earn money without leaving the house."

I'm making Christmas crackers. Wow! Live the dream. You said do something with my life.

I didn't mean something that makes

you look like an extra from

One Flew Over The Cuckoo's Nest.

What about those adult education leaflets I got you?

There's nothing there for me. They're aimed at kids.

Look at this one. It says, "Are you looking for a job, innit?"

"Are you looking for a job, innit?" We're not all home boys looking for nuff respec'.

"Are you looking for a job, innit?" It's pathetic.

No, it doesn't. It says "are you looking for a job in IT?"

They're not jobs. Just patronising training courses.

There's one about learning to be a clown.

"You'd be surprised at how clowning

can help you develop workplace

skills." Why don't you go on that?

That might be fun. Think of the new friends you'll make.

Oh, me? Sorry. I thought a small child had walked in.

So what were you going to ask me? It doesn't matter. Go on.

We're publishing this book for an author called Lucy Moss

and she's in town for a couple of days and doesn't know anybody,

so my boss has asked me to arrange a dinner date for her.

Forget it. I'm not going out with some woman I've never met. I've got my dignity.

My company's picking up the tab.

I'll get my suit.

Hang on. I'm not sure you cut the mustard.

Why? Well, she's kinda intense and

I don't mean to be rude but we may

need someone who's a little more...

you know... No, I don't know. Well... mature.

And serious. And a good listener.

Hey, I'm a good listener. And I'm...

what were the other two?

Mature and serious. I can be serious when I want to be.

No, you can't. I can. Maybe

you need to lighten up. Sorry, did

you say lighten up?

Yes. Oh. Lighten up. OK, how about a little joke then? Knock, knock!

Who's there? It's Miss Serious USA,

who's so sick of being

told to "lighten up"

especially by her ex-boyfriend Tim, who said it on the day he left her

for a woman half his age and apparently more "fun".

It's Miss Serious USA, who's so sick of being told to "lighten up"

especially by her ex-boyfriend Tim who said it on the day he left her

for a woman half her age and apparently more "fun" who?

Is this what you want? Should we have a food fight?

Oh, can we, that'd be great. No!

I'll lick it off afterwards.

Tea? Yeah, thanks.

Maybe I should go on this course. You? A clown?

You'd be perfect.

Right, I will. Go for it, Mr Bubbles.

Yeah, I hope you like that. It's molasses and wheatgerm.

I made it myself.

So how've you been? Yeah, I went before I came out.

No, HOW've you been.

Fine.

What about Kate? How's she been? She's been going quite regularly...

Can we please have a normal conversation?

She's fine. Happy as Larry.

There used to be a bloke in my

office called Larry. Shot himself.

Does she talk about me much?

I'd rather not say.

What does she say? She says, "Have you seen Tim?" What do you say?

I say "yes". And then what? "What did he say?"

And I say, "I'd rather not say." And she says, "What did he say?"

And I say, "He says have you seen Kate? What did she say?" And then I say...

All right, I get the idea.

Do you know what struck me the other day?

I've never actually apologised to Kate.

I'm going to go round and see her this week, I'm going to look her straight in the eye,

I'm going to explain why I did what I did and I'm going to say sorry.

Why did you do what you did?

Well, if that doesn't win her over, nothing will.

We were sort of at this crossroads

in our relationship and

there were only two choices...

Three choices. At a crossroads you can go left, right or straight on.

The point is, we were at a crossroads. T-junction. All right, T-junction.

The thing is... Check your mirror. Shut up.

The thing is I was probably just confused

and the last thing I should have done is gone off and had a fling

with a girl I didn't care about.

I'm going out with a bird on Saturday. You've been a big help, Doctor. How much do I owe you?

One of Kate's authors.

You can't go out with an author.

Why not? She's probably got letters

after her name. So have I. No,

you've got letters IN your name. Oh.

- Won't she be a bit serious for you? - That's what Kate said.

I thought she was just reluctant

about the date. You don't let each

other to go on dates now?

You need someone in your life. You know what they say, no man is an island. What about the Isle of Man?

I'm not joking. You should go. All right, I will. Good.

So how've you been? Yeah, I went before I came out.

I feel such an idiot.

There's no need to be embarrassed, it's an easy mistake to make.

I didn't expect it to be like this.

Well, don't worry. At least you'll know for next time.

Are they...

you know? What?

Special.

They're workshopping. Do you know what that is?

Is that when you're shopping when you should be at work? Cos that's what I was doing today.

It's a way of finding out who our inner clown really is.

Look, Andy's trying to find out how his inner clown walks.

Like a Frenchman being chased by a snail by the look of it.

And Mark's trying to discover how his clown can find true love.

Sorry, Zeppo, I'm already married.

Sorry, Zeppo. I...

don't find you attractive.

I'm sorry, I don't think this sort of thing is for me.

Don't give up already, Kate.

We all have an inner clown, it's just a question of finding her and letting her out.

Maybe my inner clown could work in the box office... do a little admin.

APPLAUSE

Of course, I'm a bit of an author myself.

Are you? Yes, in fact I've just written a novel about chickens.

Was it successful? Indeed it was.

In fact, it was nominated for a "Book... Book... Booker" Prize.

- You're very funny. Will you marry me? - I don't think so.

You might want to get some Clearasil on that.

My teacher says it will help to find my inner clown if I wear my nose and make-up when I'm at home. Don't.

I'm taking this seriously. That's where you're going wrong.

She also says it would help if you call me by my clown name when I'm wearing this. Which is what?

Are you going to laugh? No. Foo-Foo.

You're laughing.

I'm not. I'm picking my teeth.

Do you know where my keys are... Foo-Foo? Beep! Beep!

You can't take anything seriously, can you?

I can. I've just signed up for Taking Things Seriously Club. You're such a dork, Lee.

Can you not call me Lee?

Can you call me by my serious name,

which is Serious Magerious.

This is why I'm nervous about you meeting Lucy.

I have been out with bright girls, you know. What, like Mandy?

She wasn't thick. She had concussion.

For two years?

Thanks for doing this. I know she's not your type.

Oh, you know my rules, if she's under 50 and not a blood relation.

Second one's new. You're getting fussy.

Can't stand here chatting.

I've got a successful author to meet.

She's not that successful.

Well, she's written a book.

I bet you wouldn't like it. Why not?

It hasn't got any pictures or fuzzy material to feel.

- What's it called? - Happy Days. Is it about..? The Fonz?

No. It's an autobiography. About who? Who are they usually about?

Alan Hansen.

Well, the ones I've read are.

Well, it's about how she overcame a series of difficult and traumatic encounters.

You want to try sitting next to Mark Lawrenson for seven years.

Sorry I was late. Public transport.

That's OK. You look just like the back of the bus... Book.

- Well, I hope you enjoyed reading it. - Loved it.

It's written with fundamental truth that's honestly brutal but never alienates the reader.

That's funny. That's exactly what The Sunday Times said.

It's posh in here. Last time I was here I was with my mate, College.

College? Yeah, it's what we nicknamed him cos he left our town to go to college.

He was the only one of your friends to go to college?

Yeah, but we weren't thick. We stayed cos we had decent careers.

We're all still good mates. Me, ASDA, Fruitpick, Doley Pete.

Did you have a nickname? Merchant Banker.

What about you? Mozzy the Prozzie.

Why?

What, you mean why was I a teenage prostitute?

Yes.

It's hard to summarise the first three chapters of a book,

but I was just preconditioned into thinking that I deserved a lifetime of abuse.

I was carrying around a lot of baggage about my mother's abuse towards me,

and I was trying to punish myself because of the guilt I felt

after my father was jailed for abusing me too.

Are you having a starter?

Not for me, thanks.

Are you not having a proper drink?

Chapter six? Oh, yeah. You stopped, didn't you?

Started. Started. But then you stopped, didn't you? Cos you were...

Pregnant. Yeah.

How is he?

She? I had an abortion. I haven't read it. I know.

KNOCK AT DOOR

Oh...

Hello. Kate.

Well remembered.

Well, at least half of you is excited to see me.

Yeah, well it's not the bottom half.

What's with the make-up? I've been to a fancy-dress party as a clown who's had a stroke.

If you've come to see Lee, he's out.

With the author? I don't know. I'm not his mum.

Shame - I would have liked to tell him I used to sleep with his mum.