Seinfeld

There's no easy way to break up.

When you start dating, they should give you...

..."Get out of Relationship Free" cards.

You know? So you could just go up to the person...

...and go, "Here you go. I'm sorry.

I'll grab the tennis racket. Don't even bother to get up.

Have a good one. Sorry."

Which is fine, unless the person you're in the relationship with...

...has a "Eight More Months of Guilt, Torture and Pain"card.

"Hold it. I got a little something for you."

- We're dead. - We're not dead.

- We are dead. - Come on.

We got all day tomorrow to think of a story.

All day tomorrow? We had a month to come up with something.

We didn't do anything.

So we'll do it tomorrow.

Let me ask you: when's the last time you went skiing?

- About six years ago. - I think you can take the lift ticket...

...off your jacket now.

Women like skiers.

So what? You can't meet anybody. You're with Susan.

Yeah. Right.

See those two women over there?

I almost dated the one on the right. She's in the closet business.

Closet business?

- What's the closet business? - What is it your business?

- I'm interested. - She reorganizes your closet...

...and shows you how to maximize your closet space.

She looked into my closet.

You thought she was good-looking. This was a way to meet her.

- Yeah. - Yeah. So, what happened?

She mentioned she had a boyfriend. Then it hit me:

What do I need more closet space for?

- Hi, Marla. - Jerry.

- George, Marla. - Marla.

George. Jerry, Stacy.

- Stacy. George, Stacy. - Jerry.

- Stacy. - George.

George.

Jerry, Marla. Stacy.

- So how was your trip to Berlin? - Trip to Berlin?

Remember, that's why you put off the closets.

- You said you were going to Berlin. - Oh, right, right.

The Wall had just come down. You told me you wanted to be...

...part of the celebration.

Yes, yes, I did, but you know, I was watching it on CNN...

...and they covered it so well, I thought, why knock my brains out?

You know, my boyfriend went.

- Really? - Yes, I told him all about you going...

...and he got all excited and decided to go.

- Oh, did he like it? - I don't know. He never came back.

Anyway, we met with NBC about a month ago, and they...

...gave us the green light to go ahead and write a pilot.

We got a big meeting with them tomorrow.

They gotta approve the story before we can write it.

Wow. What a great job. A writer.

Not a bad way to earn a buck.

Sounds great.

Well, I'll tell you, Stacy...

...it's a lot of hard work.

But it comes fairly easy to me.

Some people write symphonies. This is my gift.

- So you gonna go out with her? - I might.

- What about Susan? - What? I'm not married.

I'm not allowed to go out with somebody else?

- Depends. - Depends on what?

- On many factors. - Like what?

Well, how long you've been seeing her.

What's your phone-call frequency? Are you on a daily?

No. Semi-daily. Four, five times a week.

Saturday nights, do you ask her out, or is the date implied?

- Implied. - She got anything...

...in your medicine cabinet?

Might be some moisturizer.

Let me ask you this:

Is there any Tampax in your house?

Yeah.

- I'll tell you what you got here. - Yeah?

You got a girlfriend.

Oh, no, no. What-? Are you sure, a girlfriend?

I'm looking at a guy in a semi-daily, with Tampax in his house...

...and an implied date on Saturday night.

- I would like to help you out, but- - Do you believe my luck?

The first time I have a good answer to...

..."What do you do?" and I have a girlfriend.

You don't need a girlfriend when you can answer that.

That's what you say in order to get girlfriends.

Once you can get girlfriends, you just want more girlfriends.

You're gonna make a very good father someday.

Well, it's not fair, Jerry. It's just not fair.

That's it. I'm getting out of this thing.

Break up with her. But you know what this means.

- No, what? - The script, the pilot, TV show.

- That's all over. - What do you mean?

Figure it out. She's one of the executives...

...that makes the decision whether to pick up the show.

She's one of our biggest fans.

You drop her, you think they're gonna pick us up?

Oh, right. Oh, no! Man.

You know, it's a very interesting situation.

Here you have a job that could help you get girls.

But you also have a relationship.

But if you get rid of the relationship so you can get girls...

...you lose the job.

- You see the irony? - Yeah, yeah. I see the...

All right, what about this?

What if I could find a way to break up with her...

...so she'll still like me, and it doesn't affect the deal?

- Yeah. - Wait, wait. Hear me out.

Hear me out. Don't dismiss this. You're quick to dismiss.

Don't dismiss.

She's got a big crush on David Letterman. A big crush.

She talks about him all the time.

Suppose I go up to David Letterman.

He works at NBC. I work at NBC.

I explain my situation.

He agrees to meet her. They go out. They fall madly in love...

...and she dumps me for David Letterman.

- This is your plan? - No, no, I'm just thinking.

I don't think you are.

Well, let me tell you what I see.

Please. And be brutal. I have no closet sensitivity.

- Are you very fussy about your pants? - I don't think I am.

Because I have a very radical idea.

- Can you handle it? - Try me.

Here's what I'm proposing. We'll eliminate all this.

The hangers, the bar, the shelves, and in its place, install a series of hooks.

We'll put everything on hooks.

- Everything? - Everything.

The shirts, pants, sports jackets, pyjamas.

We can get 80 hooks on here.

You're quite mad, you know.

Oh, I don't believe this.

Hey. Well, what are you doing?

I'm watching The Bold and the Beautiful.

- No. - Wait, wait.

- This is not a good time. - Five minutes.

What did you give your TV to George for?

Because I've been watching too much. It was an addiction. I couldn't stop.

It was destroying my brain cells.

Yeah, but now you're in here all the time.

- Well- Whoa. - Marla, Kramer.

Hello.

- Go out. It's nice out. - There's nothing out there for me.

- There's weather. - I don't need weather.

Weather doesn't do it for me.

I'm telling George to give you your TV back.

No, no. I don't want it back.

Are you gonna watch the Knick game tonight?

- I don't know. - Will you tape it?

- Kramer. - Oh, yeah.

So your boyfriend never came back from Berlin.

- Never came back. - Oh, you must have been devastated...

...being left for a wall.

Well, it was about to end anyway.

There was this problem.

Excuse me one second.

- Yeah. - It's me.

Come on up.

That's Elaine. She's just a friend of mine.

I don't know what she's doing here now.

I'm sorry.

- What? - I didn't get it.

So you were saying there was this problem.

Well, he wanted me to move in with him.

- Snapple? - No, thanks.

- Go on. - Well, I wouldn't move in, because-

- Yes? - Well, because-

- Yeah? - Well, because I'm a...

...virgin.

Hello.

Hi. Marla, Elaine.

Sorry, I didn't know you had company.

- I wanted to return your tape. - Oh, thanks a lot. Two weeks late.

Now it cost me $35 to see Havana.

I'm sorry. I really am. I just kept forgetting.

- I should be going. - No, no, no. I'm leaving.

I like that thing in your hair.

Yeah? This woman was selling them...

...at this crazy party I was at last night.

You'll appreciate this. Snapple?

No, thanks.

I was talking to this guy, and I just happened to throw...

...my purse on the sofa. And my diaphragm goes flying out.

So I just froze, you know:

Staring at my diaphragm, you know? It's just lying there.

So this woman who sold me this hair thing...

...she grabbed it before the guy noticed, so I mean...

...big deal, right?

So I carry around my diaphragm. Who doesn't?

I mean, like, it's a big, big secret...

...that women carry around their diaphragms.

You never know when you're gonna need it.

I should be going.

- So we'll talk about the hooks then. - Yes.

- What, was it something I said? - She's a virgin. She just told me.

- Well, I didn't know. - Well, it's not like spotting a toupee.

Well, you think I should say something?

Should I say something, apologize?

- Was I being anti-virgin? - No, no.